'I often see kids struggling with negative self-talk. This one word changes everything.'

Children can spot bullies in the playground. But what if your child is bullying themselves? How would we know? 

Signs your child may have an issue with negative self-talk is if they say things like, "I will never be able to do that", "Everyone is better than me", or "I wish I didn't look like this".

Working in a school setting, I often see children struggling with negative self-talk. Online media exposure also means some children frequently compare themselves unfavourably to others. 

A recent survey of over 20,000 school-aged Australian children, found one in five feel poorly about their self-esteem by the time they start high school, and for each year children are at school their self-esteem declines. The findings in this research are extremely worrying and a call for action to help our children feel better about themselves is greatly needed.

Watch: The viral Dove Self-Esteem clip with Mary Esposito. Post continues below. 

Our internal thoughts and dialogue (self-talk) is actually where we spend most of our time, as we have over 10,000 thoughts a day. Our self-talk is really powerful and impacts our self-esteem. Constant negative chatter and insults can create a toxic environment to be in and have us believe we will never be good enough. We take care and pay attention to our words when we are speaking to others but we can get caught in a bad habit of not giving ourselves the same compassion in our own self-talk.

I experienced many wasted years of self-loathing and constant negative dialogue, but when I learned that the most important company you keep is your own, and the relationship we have with ourselves is the longest relationship we will ever have and the most valuable, it changed my life.

Now as a parent and community member, I want children to be happy and confidently pursuing their goals. 

Kids might ask us for the latest Barbie, or trendy sports shoe, and they think that might make them happy. But the greatest gift we can give our children is real happiness, and that comes from within them.

How to help your kids manage their negative self-talk.

If you notice your child or someone you care about talking negatively about themselves, you could help them notice this too and then take these steps to help them manage it.

1. Do a brain dump and teach mindful moments.

Start by doing a 'brain dump' with them so they can write down all their thoughts, then you can help the child to counter each negative thought with a positive one.

If your child notices the negative thoughts are really loud, guiding your child to connect with their breath by taking some slow, deep belly breaths, may help to calm their mind. Taking these calming mindful moments throughout our day can help us feel better and reset with a positive frame of mind.

2. Use the 'mind garden' strategy.

One of my favourite quotes about our inner dialogue is by the late English poet William Wordsworth: “Your mind is the garden, your thoughts are the seeds. The harvest can either be flowers or weeds." 

Tending to our thoughts as we would care for a garden is such a beautiful image of what we can choose to create with the power of our thoughts. This quote has stayed in my thoughts for many years and also with many of the children I have shared it with. 

Children I have worked with enjoyed visualising digging out weeds in their minds - the repetitive, negative, unhelpful self-talk and choosing instead to plant beautiful flowers - positive, kind and uplifting self-talk, which they water daily by saying positive affirmations about themselves. Watching the children's confidence, happiness and resilience grow from this process is truly heartwarming to see. 

3. Try positive affirmations.

Writing a list of positive affirmations to say each day helps shift the self-talk and can help children believe in themselves and their abilities. Many children say, “I can’t do this, it’s too hard” or "I’m never going to be good at Maths etc." You can help them by re-scripting these statements to something that is helpful for them, such as “I can take small steps each day to reach my maths goals”.

Lauren Thompson's book cover. Image: Supplied.

4. Start with just one simple word.

If a positive affirmation feels too much of a stretch at first they can start with the word 'YET'. 

Changing "I can’t do this" to "I can’t do this YET" adds power to the statement and helps them believe actually one day with persistence and effort, they will achieve their goal.

My six-year-old daughter reminded her gymnastics instructor of this recently when they were placed into two groups - the children who can do the splits and the children who can’t. 

My daughter's group could not perform the splits and were looking sad, deflated and feeling not good enough. My daughter yelled out "YET", and told her instructor they should say children who can’t do the splits "YET", as she is planning on mastering it one day! 

I saw the change in the girls' faces as the word YET washed over them. I could see it sparked hope and confidence that they will get there with practice. I watched as their postures grew taller and determination sprinkled over their little faces.

Listen to Mamamia's podcast for all things parenting, This Glorious Mess. Post continues below. 

Teaching children about the importance of positive self-talk gives them essential life skills. 

Positive self-talk will help them feel good about who they are and the unique qualities that make them special and valuable. When children feel good about themselves, they can also celebrate others and their achievements without feeling deflated. 

Having children that are kind, positive and supportive of themselves, will enable them to believe in themselves and stretch for those big dreams, that they can't reach just YET!

Lauren Thompson is the author of a new picture book for children to help them develop positive self-talk. There’s a Bully in My Brain is published by Little Steps Publishing (RRP $16.95) and is available to purchase online here and in all good bookstores. 

Feature Image: Supplied.