'Nobody else in the world is exactly like you.' Kerri Sackville on being unique and feeling alone.

The following is an excerpt from The Secret Life of You by Keri Sackville, published by Pantera Press and available now. 

Even when in a relationship or surrounded by other people, you are still essentially alone. Despite being taught to seek deep and profound connections with other people, there are limits to how close we can get to any other human being. Even if you grow up with another person, even if you marry them, even if you sleep beside them every night, even if they walk beside you through life, you can never truly know them in their entirety, and they can never truly know you. This is because nobody else in the world is exactly like you; the best you can hope for is to find someone compatible.

Watch: The benefits of spending time alone. Post continues after video.

Even identical twins – even conjoined twins – have different thoughts and minds. Abby and Brittany Hensel are dicephalic parapagus twins from the USA who share one body from below the neck. Between them they have two heads, two spines that merge into one, two hearts, two pairs of lungs, two arms, two legs and one reproductive system. The subjects of several documentaries and reality TV shows, their similarities are obvious: their faces are identical, they share a body and they are so in tune with each other that they often speak in sync. But they are also unique individuals with separate personalities and interests, and with different opinions and desires. Both twins are friendly and engaging, but Abby is gregarious and talkative, whereas Brittany is quieter and more laid-back. Abby has a particular interest in maths; Brittany is more interested in English. The twins have different attitudes to money, different tastes in clothes and food, and different strengths. Their friends report that they occasionally hear them bickering, just like any other pair of siblings.

Conjoined twins are fascinating because they show us how unique we all really are. Even people who share a body and an entire life can have different characters and desires. So how can those of us who live in our own bodies and have our own experiences possibly expect to find our twin souls?

Here’s a little thought experiment for you. Imagine a mad scientist took your thoughts out of your brain and then offered you several different thought clouds from which to identify your own. You’d be able to pick yours, right? You’d recognise your own thoughts immediately, and your thoughts would look very different from my thoughts, or your friend Alan’s thoughts, or your cat’s.

But would you recognise the thought clouds of other people in your life? Your partner’s? Your mother’s? Your child’s? You might recognise some of the more fleeting thoughts: ‘Where is the peanut butter?’ ‘Is Mum coming to pick me up?’ ‘Ugh, I hate that TV show.’ Still, much if not most of other people’s thoughts will be foreign to you. You can’t possibly know what your partner thinks about all day long in the darkest recesses of their brain.

You can’t know what ideas roam around in your daughter’s head, or what your best friend wonders in the dead of night. Every person you know has an endless stream of private thoughts. No matter how well you know them, no matter how much time you spend together, you will never have access to the secret world of their minds. You can only know other people through their actions and words.

Similarly, no-one will ever fully know you and your inner world. How could they? Indeed, if you offered another person a running commentary of your most private thoughts, they would probably run away in alarm. It is appropriate to maintain some boundaries. It is appropriate to know where you stop and other people begin. It is appropriate to keep some small parts of yourself secret.

Listen to Fill My Cup Allira is joined by Author and Clinical Psychologist Dr Rebecca Ray to shed light on how to set better boundaries and reminds us why we need to look out for our own needs. Post continues below.

Corporate coach and motivational speaker Craig Harper describes human beings as having several selves: the public you, the personal you, the private you, and the secret you. The public you is the self that you show to the incidental people in your life. The personal you is the self you share with friends and family and loved ones. The private you is the self that you reveal only to your partner or most intimate of confidants. But inside is the secret you that will always be inaccessible to other people. It is the you that is genuine and unfiltered and authentic. It is the you that is expressed when alone with your thoughts. It is the you that only you will ever know.

‘I believe the secret self is part of all of us,’ Harper tells me. ‘Humans are multidimensional and complex. I don’t think anyone is truly an open book, and I don’t think of that as dark or sinister. I see it as normal and healthy.’ 

Feeling alone, and being existentially alone, is part of being human. You can be close to other people, you can love them, you can support them, you can empathise with them and you can strive to understand them, but you will never be able to fully get into their heads. Likewise, you can be loved and supported, but you will never be completely understood. And the more complex and nuanced a person you are, the harder it will be to find someone who understands you. If you are lucky, you will be able to express yourself freely and feel seen and accepted for who you are. But you will never find a person whose tastes, beliefs, ideas and desires precisely match your own.

You are a unique human being. You are one of a kind.

Your uniqueness means that you will inevitably have periods when you don’t feel particularly connected to other people. You can’t always be on the same page as your loved ones, and you won’t always feel understood. There will be times when your partner or friends will need space, or they won’t have the emotional energy to give you the level of care you need. And if you don’t have the capacity for solitude, those times without connection will be intensely difficult. If you cannot support and nurture yourself, you will feel quite frantically lonely on your own. But learning to be comfortable in your own company means becoming less scared of those periods of disconnection. You can ride out the ebbs and flows of your relationships and develop resilience against loneliness. You can manage periods where you don’t feel connected to others because you always feel connected to yourself.

Kerri Sackville's 'The Secret Life of You' is published by Pantera Press and available now. 

Kerri Sackville is a columnist and commentator. Her book 'The Secret Life of You' is published by Pantera Press and available now. 

Feature Image: Pantera Press.

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