'I'm a diehard Jurassic Park fan, but I can't stand the new movie.'

Everyone who has ever met me knows how excited I was to go see Jurassic World: Rebirth this week.

Jurassic Park is one of my favourite films of all time.

I watched the trilogy on repeat throughout my childhood, developing an obsession with Laura Dern that remains to this day. When I moved into my new apartment recently, I had no internet for one month — but I did have a Jurassic Park and Jurassic World box-set and I watched the DVDs on a loop without ever once getting bored. I even found things to love about Jurassic World: Dominion, a movie that was 50% about bugs. They were like 'here, please watch this film about locusts' and I said 'sure, I would love to'.

I could not have been more excited walking into the movie theatre to see Jurassic World: Rebirth. I could not have been angrier walking out.

I was so perplexed and flabbergasted leaving the cinema that I left my Bunnings umbrella behind. So that's two things this movie has stolen from me: my time and a dry place to hide from the storm that was ravaging the city streets. 

As I made my rain-soaked way home, I struggled to comprehend what I'd just seen and why I had such a visceral reaction to the film. Some of the Mamamia team loved the movie — I hope lots of our readers do, too! I wish I had.

Upon hours of reflection (and even a cameo on The Spill podcast) I have come to several conclusions. There are only so many gripes a person could have with a movie — and I had all of them.

But I'm a lifelong fan, so I'll do my best to keep things civil as we dive into this review with the same ferocity as a Velociraptor. Of which there were none in Jurassic World: Rebirth. That's my first gripe, in case you were wondering.

Who or what is this? Image: Universal Pictures.

Set five years after the events of the last film, Jurassic World: Rebirth picks up in the aftermath of the closure of both the Jurassic World theme park and the Biosyn preserve.

Dinosaurs are still roaming the earth freely — though they've largely moved towards the centre of the planet where the temperature, wildlife, and landscape are better suited to their prehistoric needs. They are slowly, but surely, going extinct once again.

But before they can die in peace, a classic Rich Man Company™ would like to do something really stupid.

They want to send people armed with mediocre weapons and zero real-world dinosaur expertise to collect blood samples from three of the species living on Ile Saint-Hubert — an island in the Pacific Ocean, where a secret InGen laboratory was used to create freaky hybrid dinosaurs for the Jurassic World theme park.

What could go wrong?

Zora Bennett (Scarlett Johansson) is an ex-military covert operative; Dr. Henry Loomis (Jonathan Bailey) is a nerdy palaeontologist with a heart of gold; Duncan Kincaid (Mahershala Ali) is an experienced mission team leader. They've all been recruited by the suitably evil-looking Martin Krebs (Rupert Friend), who works for a pharmaceutical company called ParkerGenix.

They made Jonathan Bailey use an American accent for some reason — and I'm not kidding when I say this is one of my biggest critiques of the film. They could have let the man be British and maybe his charisma would've saved it all.

But I digress.

According to our businessman friend, Krebs, the mission to retrieve biomaterial samples will be key to developing a new drug that helps fight human diseases.

ScarJo and Jonathan Bailey on-set of Jurassic World: Rebirth. Image: Universal Pictures.

On their journey to the island, they pick up a family — yes, a family! — whose boat capsized when they were attacked by a mysterious oceanic force. Because what would a Jurassic movie be without the added stress of some innocent children getting in the way of the dino-dramas?

This plot follows a basic and lovable formula; one that's seen this franchise flourish time and time again. A rag-tag group of ill-advised professionals head to an island where they quickly realise they are out of their depths and must fight to stay alive. Random children are there for fun. Maybe there's some sexual tension between two characters, but it's never really delved into?

It might be repetitive, but it works. Usually.

When the opening scene of Jurassic World: Rebirth played out in classic style — showcasing a violent yet mysterious containment disaster at the InGen laboratory — I was positively glowing. And at that moment, I thought I was going to leave the cinema bravely defying the major critics, who had already panned the film.

But it was all downhill from there.

The origin of the film's failure, for me, begins with the tone. They couldn't decide if they wanted to lean into horror or create a family-friendly adventure, meeting somewhere in the middle that neither delivered on substantial scares nor wholesome fun.

For one thing, it sorely lacked any real sense of fear.

You knew who was going to die, how they were going to die, and when they were going to die. You knew who was going to live, and they didn't even attempt to make their survival realistic (yes, the dinosaur jumped onto a boat to eat someone, but it won't eat the teenage girl who falls directly into the water because it knows she is not an adult).

A dinosaur movie isn't all about death or violence, but it is about the suspense and fear that permeate the adventure. The ripples of water that match the dull thudding as a T-Rex approaches. The flick of a Velociraptor's tail in tall grass. The never-ending thread of anxiety that undercuts each scene — knowing that, at any moment, a dinosaur could appear without warning.

There were glimmers of tension throughout, usually when the 'real' dinosaurs were on-screen.

Now, I know I said there were no Velociraptors in this movie — and I stand by it, because I don't think this counts — but one scene flirted with danger by showing a glimpse of some raptors in the background for about three seconds. They were pretty much thrown in as a 'here, damn' to appease fans, without any real suspense or thrill. To quote Adele, we could have had it all. But we did not.

One particular standout was a water-based scene involving a T-Rex, which momentarily had me sitting wide-eyed and excited — mostly before the dinosaur had even reared its head. But even then, the outcome was so expected, so predictable.

And if the film's aesthetic and special effects had been different, perhaps that wouldn't have mattered. But unfortunately, the CGI monstrosities taking up the screen did little to deliver on wow-factor.

It all looked so… fake.

Famously, dinosaurs are extinct and all portrayals of them are indeed fake. I know this to be true! But Steven Spielberg blended state-of-the-art animatronics and CGI, with his mix of practical and special effects leaving audiences stunned when the first film debuted in 1993. And in my opinion, the first Jurassic World film did a stellar job of creating their own VFX dinosaurs that felt very, very real.

Jurassic World: Rebirth did not.

Jurassic World: Rebirth (2025) and Jurassic Park (1993). Image: Universal Pictures.

The experimental hybrid dinosaurs were supposed to be terrifying, somewhat disfigured monsters — scarier still than any 'real' dinosaur. But they looked more like poorly executed Stranger Things monsters strung together by thoughts, prayers, and ChatGPT.

Looks aside, their presence was also pretty bland. Unlike the Indominus Rex from the first Jurassic World film, there was no slow, terrifying build to unveil these new monsters. They were just there… and despite the efforts to make them seem terrifying, the suspense and fear-factor were sorely lacking.

Dinosaurs aside, the entire film had a glossy CGI sheen that tore away from what should have been a visually stunning adventure.

They actually filmed on location in Thailand for much of this movie, with scenes set in lush natural landscapes — but not a single shot had me believing we were anywhere other than a Hollywood studio. The on-set photos look fantastic; the final product looks like a montage of green screen moments. I'm not sure if it was the overall impact of the special effects or the colour grading, but I know I wasn't the only person in the Mamamia team who felt that way. Even the people who enjoyed the film agreed: it looked manufactured and fake.

And then there were the personal storylines.

Jamming eight central characters into the plot — along with a new location, new tech company, and new dinosaurs — meant there was little time for backstory. But oh, boy, did they try.

Stilted dialogue and jarring scenes were spliced together to try and get the audience up to speed on the personal lives of these eight randoms all at once. They inserted blatant conversations early-on in the piece, to make their later motivations seem meaningful. And I don't like watching any film that assumes the audience is too stupid to use context clues to understand a basic storyline.

There were too many plot points, dinosaurs, people, and special effects to make this two-hour film feel satisfying (or even entertaining).

To quote Jeff Goldblum's Dr Ian Malcolm, it was like they were so preoccupied with whether or not they could make another Jurassic World movie, they didn't stop to think if they should. And then someone handed them $180 million, and they threw together 15 different vibes and ran with it.

What a waste of Academy Award winner Mahershala Ali's time. What a waste of my time?

I know a lot of hard work and effort went into making this film; I'm aware that I'm being brutal. I love Hollywood and rarely rant this harshly against a project without anything good or positive to add. But I simply can not find 'the good' in this movie. Aside from the sweetness of the cast.

All in all, the problem with Jurassic World: Rebirth comes down to one thing: there was no wonder. There was no whimsy. Its sole purpose is to capitalise on the name of a famous franchise to bring in a few hundred million dollars without even trying.

The press tour has been filled with fun and silliness and excitement, none of which you'll find on screen.

And if you're going to take the name of a juggernaut like Jurassic Park — which famously delves into the imaginary, pushes technological boundaries, and seamlessly blends wonder with jaw-dropping thrills — then you need to deliver.

This same cast, these same special effects, could've been given to an entirely separate film, and it would have been just fine. But despite its best efforts to 'pay homage' to the original, this does not feel like an extension of the Jurassic cinematic universe, it's just some movie.

For many fans, this will be a fantastic cinematic event — and I'm happy for you! Some readers will likely go see this film and think 'what was that woman ranting about, it's fine!'

And that is just it: It's fine.

But it's not good enough, not with the weight of expectation that comes with the name. You can't just slap a theme song on a scene and expect the world to fawn over it, even if you put Jonathan Bailey in a cute pair of glasses.

Feature Image: Universal Pictures.