Dear struggling couples of the universe. Em Rusciano has a treat for you.

By EM RUSCIANO

Having relationship difficulties? Marriage not everything you thought it would be?

Have a seat my friend, the doctor is in. And by doctor I mean Joan Collins.

Yes, Joan has walked down the aisle a lazy five times but this only means that lady is well practised and therefore obviously qualified to give advice to others.

Joan Collins was recently interviewed by the London Times and she was dropping mad truth bombs on the institute of marriage. You’re welcome struggling married couples of the universe.

Since my husband and I are sleeping in separate beds, in separate rooms in separate houses – I felt compelled to read what insights Joan had on what made a successful and fulfilling marriage.

Joan recently celebrated 11 years with husband numero cinco, Percy Gibson. Percy is an impressive 33 years younger than Joan, he is 47 and as I am a human genius, I have deduced that makes J-Coll 80.

First up, one should never, ever, take a dump in front of their significant other.

According to Joan you shouldn’t even be in the bathroom at the same time.

If your marriage has any hope of surviving, an extra bathroom must be added. Your husband should think you are a perfect princess with bowel movements that smell of roses and lavender. Basically you need to be an animated version of Sandy in the opening credits of Grease. If you don’t get that reference then I’m terribly sorry, we can’t be friends.

What else does Joan the marriage oracle Collins have to say? I am so glad you asked!

Joan says to never interfere with each others’ social calendars aka spend as little time together as possible. You betcha JC, the quickest way to dislike someone is to really get to know them. What is more romantic that not being with someone?

This totally makes all the sense to me. I am so over being in a relationship and having to actually BE with that person. “Whah whah, love me, listen to me, tend to my emotional and physical needs.” What a dickhead. If a successful marriage is what you want, make like Joan Collins and be alone. Wait. What?

MOVING ON!

Joan Collins also says she doesn’t delve into her husband’s “financial work”. Percy is a producer of live shows so I am not entirely sure what she means by this one, perhaps if Percy rocked up with a, oh I don’t know…

Just off the top of my head…

A brand new bike you couldn’t afford due to the impending arrival of your second child Odette, Joan prolly didn’t scream: “We can’t afford that arsetard, how did you pay for it”? At the top of her lungs in my driveway for all of my street to hear. I mean “her driveway” and “her street”.

I suspect she means that again, she and Percy are separate in matters of money.

If Perce wants to splash out on a top of the line fancy theatre man hat, a velvet beret of some description  – Joan is none the wiser.

Similarly if Joan wants to pay $57,000 (RRP) for the placenta of a rare, albino baby panda to perform her vampire facials with; Percy will smile and wave because they stay out of each others financials.

I’m not sure what the play is if one of you a runs out of money though, actually admitting that may cause a cross word which Joan does not recommend. Don’t buy the hat Percy!!

The one I did love best was her theory that no one person should “wear the pants” in the relationship; that you should share them – one leg each.

So now I just have an image of her and Percy jumping around shoved into a pair of novelty sized beige front pleat slacks; potato sack race style. That won’t help your relationship, it is just a fucking hilarious visual.

So in summary.

No pooing, shedding of hair, skin or displays of bodily functions in general.

No actually being together, talk of money and above all: wear the same pants.

Got it?! Great.

Now, has anyone asked Lindsay Lohan if she has any safe driving tips?

 What do you think about Joan Collins’ marriage advice? Anything to add?