The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 32: The problem with Jess and Dan's secret pact.

March 20, 2019

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It’s the morning after the GEWLZ night and the women are very busy telling their husbands precisely what happened.

At first, the husbands don’t care.

But as is the case with all men and gossip, the minute it pertains to them directly, they care immensely.

"APPARENTLY MARK SAID TO MICK 'WE'RE GOING TO GO OUT AND F*CK BITCHES'," Martha tells Michael and holy shit this story would be a lot easier to follow if all your names weren't a derivative of Michael.

Clare and Jessie Stephens

March 20, 2019

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The Spill

In Jess' apartment, she's telling the camera how her and Mick are "civil", and there's precisely nothing civil about the fact you a) cheat on him and b) won't let him leave.

Oh.

It's Mike. And his eyes are broken.

Heidi tried to put eyeliner on him (?) but it irritated his eyes and now he's rubbed it into the iris and it's stinging.

mike-mafs — "My eyes are expressing disapproval you just can't see that right now."

Mike can no longer see but that doesn't stop him from needing the gossip from gewlz night.

He's very defensive of Mark but we find it hard to take him seriously given he's unable to open his eyes and appears to be in significant pain.

At the centre of it all is Mark, who ahead of the dinner party is eating a single piece of cake at approximately 5 o'clock in the afternoon, and Mark pls you'll spoil your dinner.

Ning confronts him about the whole wanting to have sex with other women thing and, look, it's a rude topic to bring up in front of his afternoon snack.

Mark puts down his fork, slowly, and says the rumours are "bullshit" and he is "absolutely gropable" because now his "cake is spoiled".

SHHHH IT'S TIME FOR THE DINNER PARTY AND THERE'S GONNA BE A FIGHT.

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As the couples arrive John Aiken comments, "THERE SEEMS TO BE A REAL FROSTINESS IN THE ROOM" and mate we're so glad we have your Psychology degree to tell us that. Ffs.

Pause.

Why have none of the experts been watching?

It makes it hard for us when you're out of the loop, do you understand?

Continue.

"Nah seriously is someone recording MKR."

The contestants remark, "it's a bit blowy out there", and yes, well, that would be the ghost of Cyclone Cyrell and she's here to see the gossip.

HUSH IT'S JESS SHE'S ARRIVED.

Martha comments, "You need to wear a plum eye all the time," referring to Jess' eye shadow and look, we feel like that's the least pressing issue right now but okay.

Jess has been seated for approximately 13 seconds when Mike, possessed by the ghost of Cyclone Cyrell, decides to confront Jess.

Mike asks what she said last night, and Jess starts yelling about she owes everything "NOTHINK" because it's got "NOTHINK TO DO WITH YOU".

"It was a private moment on national television."

Jess. None of this has anything to do with you either but alas here we are.

"Stick to your knitting," Mike adds.

Oh. We think there's been a misunderstanding. Jess doesn't... knit. Jess ruins marriages. Mostly.

The experts think that Mike has 'gone low' which feels impossible when we're already squatting in the gutter.

"It's not about Instagram and selfies and trout pout," he tells Jess, and sir, that's exactly what this is about.

Ning interrupts because the conversation has severely deviated from the point, and says, "I just want to know if there's any truth to it".

The answer to that question is, 'yeah, a 'lil bit, but he was a different man four weeks ago,' and she seems... fine.

But Mike is not fine.

He has more insults, more wisdom, more advice to give that no one wants.

Heidi gently suggests that maybe he shut the f*ck up, because no one cares what he has to say.

"SO YOU'RE SAYING I NEVER GIVE AN OBSERVATION," he yells, and um, yes we'd all like that very much.

"You're assuming what you say is gospel," Heidi explains, but Mike is very confused.

What he says is gospel.

He is Mike-esus, son of God, and he only speaks about the most sacred of topics, such as how Jessika is fake and only here to create drama.

Meanwhile, Tamara can't believe how cruelly the group is treating Jess.

"She is so 'compoised'," she says to Martha, and ma'am pls she is hooking up with your husband. Like currently. Downstairs.

Jess and Dan sneak down to their cheatin' corner, and Jess reflects that she feels "so yuck" about this whole situation, of which she is orchestrating.

Dan suggests that they probably need to say something soon, given that they're being filmed, everyone knows they're cheating, Mick's holding up emergency services trying to be rescued from this hostage situation, etc.

"We should write leave against our partners and then ask the experts if we can stay," he suggests and this is the worst plan we've ever heard and we love it.

They decide this is the best option, given that it manages to hurt the most people in the shortest amount of time in the most humiliating way.

With that sorted, they return to the dinner party, and why does no one ever notice that they're gone for extensive periods of time and a full camera crew always follows them.

Well.

Ning noticed.

She thinks it's slightly suspicious that both Dan and Jess disappeared, and tells the camera, "I don't think Cyrell would just make up rumours".

NO.

CYRELL WOULD NEVER DO THAT.

Ning asks Jess whether she's been spending time with Dan, and they both straight up lie, again, before Jess lectures the nation on how much she values "honesty and respect".

Do you tho?

We're just about ready to swear off this season, when we see the promo for next week and oh.

Our plans are cancelled. See you on Sunday.

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Catch up on all our recaps, right here:

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 30: You don't break Cam and get away with it.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 29: We've never been so frustrated by a TV show.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 28: The confrontation we've all been waiting for.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 27: A grown man just snapped on national television.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 26: One woman's family throws out a groom.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 25: Jessika. You need to go home.