To catch up on all the Married at First Sight 2019 recaps and gossip, check out the Twins recaps and visit our MAFS hub page.
Oh.
Jess has decided it’s time she ‘tried’ at Mick’s home visits and now she’s holding a sheep in a way we deem to be highly inappropriate.
Suddenly, we think we might be watching a special Four Corners investigation on the mistreatment of sheep and dear God please someone make a change.org petition.
Meanwhile, Tamara is visiting Dan's family in Queensland and they're hardly inside the door when his mum yells: "DO YOU FIND HIM SEXUALLY ATTRACTIVE OR NO."
Dan's family asks how their two week long marriage is going and Dan tries to explain, "We're doing alright, but I'm a lil' distracted by this other nice lady who started getting naked at the dinner party and offered to blow cool air up my butt hole. You wouldn't understand..."
Tamara tells his family that she needs a man who is "all about MEH" and Dan's mum doesn't... like it.
"We're a really tight family and we won't let anyone else in if we're not happy with them," his mum says, and wtf that's not how families work.
The whole point of family is forcing people together against their will have you ever been to a family Christmas? Everyone gets let in that's precisely the problem.
Dan's mum decides that, yes, she hates Tamara, mostly because she wasn't humping her son at the table while they were all having lunch.
EXCUSE US FOR A MOMENT IT'S A DOGGO AND HE'S HIDING UNDER THE BED.
We think his name is... Bodey.... and Cyrell has decided he needs a 'shower'.
Obviously Bodey is hiding from her because he's not an idiot but eventually Nic and Cyrell corner him for a bath.
For some reason, Cyrell is obsessed with cleaning Bodey's butt hole so keeps squirting water up there but sweetie that's not how it's... done.
"HE LIKES IT" Cyrell yells and Bodey feels both shame and regret.
As a side note, Bodey has made us like Nic infinitely more which we didn't think was possible.
Suddenly we're in Byron Bay and we're reminded of the time two grown adults fought about surfing timelines and artificial sweetener to the point of tears.
It was embarrassing for all of us.
Susie is hurt because she feels like she challenged Billy on being a fckn liar and then "got attacked" and is that what you really think happened? Because if so that's a problem.
She tells the camera that she doesn't like breaking people physically/emotionally/spiritually in their own home because it's awkward for her. Because then she needs to... stay the night. And ask if there's any... toilet paper.
Billy reflects that although he doesn't want to place the blame on Susie, he thinks it's 99 per cent her fault and yea we'll agree with that assessment.
But Billy decides to apologise to Susie because, "I like her," and WHAT DO YOU LIKE, BILLY? WHAT? THE ABUSE? OR THE CONTEMPT?
Over in Queensland, Jess has decided to confront Mick's parents about his farting issue.
"Does he have a medical condition I should know about?" she asks politely and they laugh. But it's not a joke because this man needs a bowel assessment.
Jess tells his family she wishes he spoke about his feelings more and Mick jokes that his farts are his feelings and NO his dad actually cannot stop laughing.
When the women go inside to chat, Mick and his dad are left alone outside to... converse.
Except, no. Their exchange is as follows.
Mick's dad: Howsitgoin.
Mick: Gots its ups n downs. See wut happens.
Mick's dad: Wellthatsright.
Mick: Mmm.
Mick's dad: Yee, hmm.
Mick: Humm.
No wonder these men can't stop farting they have nothing else to talk about.
KILL US NOW BECAUSE WE'VE ARRIVED IN SURFERS PARADISE WITH MIKE.
Pause.
Why does everything Mike say sound a little scripted?
Continue.
Heidi and Mike have decided they're going to have one child and we just know they're going to name it 'John', middle name 'Aiken'.
Somehow Mike manages to offend Heidi by saying he might love her one day but she's great and he's trying SO HARD not to be a dickhead but he just doesn't know how not to be.
They have a fight but we're too bored to care and pls take us back to Mick's farting.
Well, shit.
Mick stopped farting for five minutes to tell Jessika her dad is a 'drunk' and her brother is a 'beep'... head and her bridesmaids are 'beeps'. Both of them.
Is this another C-bomb situation because it's still prime time and we need to not.
Jess explains how disrespectful it is to speak about her family like that, but Mick just thought they were having a bit of banter and NO, MICK. THERE ARE RULES. You can only call someone's father a drunk when you've been married for upwards of 40 years and even then it's risky.
But Mick and Jess have decided to visit Mick's friend Broxy, otherwise known as the man who told a wildly inappropriate story about viagra at their wedding.
Listening in on their argument, Broxy is staying notably silent out of fear Jess will point and yell, "SPEAKING OF BAD BEHAVIOUR AT OUR WEDDING HOW DID THIS MAN NOT GET ARRESTED."
Jess, pls. Broxy just wants a relaxed bevvy with his mates.
But the fight between Mick and Jess becomes so bad they end up asking Broxy to leave his own table and preferably his own house so they can have a private conversation.
"I want nothing to do with him I hate him," Jess tells the camera and since WHEN is Jess in the right we did NOT see this coming.
She tells Mick that she was really "set" on him before he insulted her family, which is slightly suspicious given that she literally tried to cheat on him twice last week.
But ultimately, Mick cannot for the life of him understand what's wrong with calling a person's family members "f****n *** **** *****" and sir, this is why you've ended up in the precarious position of getting fake married on the television.
UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.
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Catch up on all our recaps, right here:
The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 22: Oh. We didn't know there was anyone cruler than Ines.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 21: The commitment ceremony breaks a man.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 20: Jessika. What the hell.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 19: The truth about Martha and Cyrell's fight.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 18: Can we be real about the intruders?
The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 16: Ines, you're about to get everything you deserve.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 14: An X-rated affair has everyone asking one question.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 13: The lie that's going to end in disaster.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 12: The sentence that broke Australia.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 11: The sex request that almost breaks Ex-Virgin Matt.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 10: This cheating scandal feels especially... mean.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 8: We finally know why Sam refused to contact his wife.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 6: We have a shameful theory about the runaway groom.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 5: One man has concerns about his wife's weight and... no.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 4: The man who'd rather his woman not speak.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 3: A bride sabotages her own wedding and GURL.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 2: We need to talk about Ivan.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight ep 1: A best man's speech just ruined an entire wedding.
And for more Married at First Sight 2019 recaps and gossip, visit our MAFS hub page. We've got you covered.
