ISABELLE SILBERY: 'The best thing we ever did to save our marriage.'

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There is one thing I am certain of, when it comes to intimate relationships

After experiencing one failed marriage, I believe that there are three paths you can take when it's not working. One is to quit, another is to continue being deeply unhappy and the other is to lean in and do the work.

Hard, deep, uncomfortable work. 

About a year ago, my husband and I found ourselves in a dark place.

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On the surface, this looked like a combination of things: nitpicking, built up resentment, defensiveness, yelling, deflection, lies, lack of control over emotions. All of which were being churned around in the whitewash of our daily lives.

Because most relationships have these types of ups and downs that aren't diabolical, we let it go on, believing that we are just two different people but because we loved each other, it would eventually all be okay.

Until, it really wasn't. 

After hitting rock bottom, we agreed to go to couples counselling.

I have never been with anyone before who was willing to do this with me. So, that in itself felt like foreign territory.

I was looking forward to this. A chance to voice all my grievances about my partner to someone who'd listen without interrupting. I assumed that during the ongoing weekly sessions, we would explain the background of our relationship and basically listen to each other bitch about the other, in the hope that the therapist would give us some positive strategies.  

But boy was I mistaken.

Isabelle with her husband, Alex. Image: Supplied.

I am no stranger to personal therapy, but what we were about to embark on would break the rules of traditional couples therapy and would transform my marriage forever.

From the first session, our therapist explained that she was 'not your average couples therapist'. That her approach was interactive, direct and challenging.

I felt myself tense up.

"I will not sit back and listen to you week after week," she continued.

"I will take sides, I will tell you hard truths, with compassion, always, but it will be up to you to do the work and do it in front of one another."

Wow. In front of each other!? OK, this is a lot.

She had a strong but nurturing manner and her opening pep talk felt like a gentle warning that this was not going to be easy.

So we agreed as a couple that we were on board. We both liked her energy, she was real, direct and relatable. The following sessions were… eye opening. 

The first phase was where we were 'woken up'. Woken up to how our negative behaviours, such as nitpicking, defensiveness, deflection, self-sabotage were harming our relationship. The therapist did not hold back. It was confronting, brutally honest — tough love. This bit didn't last for very long, thank god.

The pace swiftly moved into the second phase which I personally found the most challenging. Going there. 

Where, you're wondering? Fucking deep.

She basically takes a behaviour that your husband feels is negatively affecting your relationship and then tells him to stay quiet. She asks him to listen, to hold space and observe. She then takes the behaviour and asks me what I'm feeling in the moment when my behaviour is playing out and gets to the root. She takes me down that path by asking one simple question: 'When do you remember first feeling like that?' 

Suddenly, I found myself in a role-play dialogue between different parts of myself. My inner critic and inner child, exploring deep internal conflicts I didn't even know I had. At times, I would look up through my tears and see my husband crying too. Staying silent but visibly moved. 

There was no blaming or biting back. There was no surface level 'but you do this when…' This was the healing of complex trauma witnessed by my husband. Having the courage to speak my truth, to take self-responsibility and open my heart meant he could too.

After one of his sessions in the hot seat, where I watched him do the work, I hugged him for the longest time. It's so easy to just see the behaviours and not understand them, the conditioning, the trauma, it is all so layered. 

This form of therapy called Relational Life Therapy aims to bring couples into a more intimate, empathetic space of understanding and connection. Most people who do therapy, do the work one one-on-one and then may or may not relay their growth to their intimate partner. Which I've tried in the past. But doing it in the presence of your partner is truly transformative.

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After our sessions he'd say things to me like "I didn't know you went through that. I understand why you do that now." or "I felt really sorry for you when you were saying that."

We realised we are on the same team. A wake-up call we didn't know we needed.

Understanding our behaviours, how they impact others, where they come from and how to overcome them is an absolute game changer. 

I've now realised that being responsible for ourselves is the cornerstone of relationship work.  Only when we do this, can we show up as two whole, authentic people and be truly intimate with each other.

Don't get me wrong, we are far from perfect and individually, both a work in progress.

Which reminds me, I'd better make another appointment with our therapist.

Feature Image: Supplied/Instagram @isabellesilbery