Are you in an invisible divorce? Here’s how you can tell.

You don’t spend time together outside of meals. You rarely talk about anything other than the house, money and kids. You can’t even remember the last time you had sex. Lately, you’ve started to find yourself opening up to a colleague, sharing your feelings in a way you used to do with your partner.

This, according to social media, is what an ‘invisible divorce’ looks like, and it could be the start of you ditching your wedding rings. Essentially, an invisible divorce describes a couple who used to be close but are now living separate lives – and might be so caught up in the busyness of life that they don’t even realise it.

The physical closeness (hugs, kisses and, yes, sex) has gone, there are no shared activities and the couple is operating like a business rather than intimate partners.

Watch: The Mamamia team confess when they knew it was time for a divorce. Story continues after video.

If you’re now quietly freaking out that maybe your marriage fits into this category, first, take a breath – these signs don’t necessarily mean your relationship is in trouble. Relationship coach Megan Luscombe says some invisible-divorce symptoms are actually totally normal (in the short term, anyway).

“One of the signs of the invisible divorce is, physical intimacy is stopped. [But] that can happen for myriad reasons – if we’re nursing a partner through a health crisis, or one of us is stressed at work, we’ve got kids who are sick… But if there isn’t anything that’s taking our focus away, we’re not communicating, or, when we do talk we always fight and it’s going on for a long period of time, that’s when you might be looking at what they’re calling invisible divorce.”

The major cause of invisible divorce? Yep, you guessed it – lack of communication.

“It [happens] when we’re not talking about what’s going on, or we have talked about things and nothing’s changed,” Luscombe told Mamamia.

“So instead of maybe going and seeking help or taking the next step after a conversation, we get into this despondent state of mind – like, ‘Oh well, this is what I signed up for’. And people can really get into that mindset, especially if there are kids and joint finances involved.”

Sometimes couples in an invisible divorce might choose to just accept the situation rather than go through the expense and drama of an actual divorce.

Feeling increasingly estranged from someone you used to be so close to is a very lonely feeling, Luscombe said. The good news is there’s loads you can do to get your relationship back on track – and therapy is a good place to start. 

In one of the few good outcomes from the pandemic, she’s noticed that a lot of couples have become more proactive about addressing relationship concerns.

Listen to Mamamia's separation and divorce podcast below. Story continues after podcast.

So, how do you know it’s time for you and your husband or wife to reach out for couples' counselling?

“When there are things that you keep talking about ad nauseam,” said Luscombe. 

“If you find that you’re saying the same things, and maybe even they’re saying the same things to you, and you’re at a bit of an impasse, so nothing’s getting resolved. Generally, that’s when I’d say it’s time to see somebody, because a third party really has the ability to have a bird’s-eye view of what’s going on and can see where the miscommunication is happening.”

Relationships are not easy, but they’re easier to navigate if we have realistic perspectives about the peaks and troughs of long-term love, Luscombe added – rather than looking at smug Instagram snaps of Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman cosying up together and thinking there’s something wrong with our marriage if we’re not deliriously happy 24/7. 

“I feel for couples who get into this comparison state of mind because they start to think that a relationship exists in this euphoric state of bliss, and that’s just not long-term love, and it never has been,” said Luscombe. 

“I think when a lot of people read the term ‘invisible divorce’, they are going to go, ‘that’s my relationship’, without really being able to peel it back and identify that sometimes a relationship is going to take pauses in certain areas, and it’s not the end.”

If you need to talk to someone about your relationship, call the Family Relationship Advice Line on 1800 050 321. If you’re in a relationship where your safety is at risk, call 1800 RESPECT.

Featured Image: Getty Images.