'I tried to initiate sex with my husband every day for one week. Here's what happened.'

This relationship is fractured. Two people sharing a bed yet laying as far apart as the king-sized space allows.

Living side by side, constantly irritated by the smallest of things. The way he leaves his used floss on the counter grosses me every time I have to touch it — why can't he put it in the bin?

The unapologetically loud farts simply serve as a rude reminder that the excitement and thrill of falling in love is long gone.

I see it in him too. The way his eyes roll when I over cuddle the kids or the way he switches off when I give instructions or talk about plans.

We're no longer a team building a future of endless possibility, we're simply here to maintain the lifestyle our kids have come to expect.

School run. Clean the house. Weekend sports. Repeat!

I don't want this marriage to end, but there has to be more to life in our forties than this…

Where has all the fun gone? Where is the passion? Where's the joy?

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Now, my thirties were a different story. They were all about sex, adventure and passion, and it got me thinking; can I have these feelings again, but with the same person all the time in my forties?

The last time I was single I had a very healthy (at least that's how I remember it) sex drive. I knew what I wanted, and I knew how to get it.

I used to joke that I was too old to date someone bad in bed, because I didn't have time to wait for them to improve. I wanted instant pleasure, and I didn't care if it was only for one night.

After all, a big part of the thrill was the chase.

Feeling the pressure build as we flirted over drinks. Eagerly anticipating what would happen next. Did they want the same thing? Each gentle brush of the arm or accidental bump of the knee simply added to my excitement.

And then I met my now husband and the sex was nothing short of electrifying. So, what's changed?

Back then, I had a lot more time for myself. I had a job which felt like a lot at the time, but that was before kids. I look back now with envy at the amount of not just free time, but the mental space to simply just be.

When I walked out of that office, I was liberated. Free from others depending on me, free to get laid or not. Free to take care of myself. Legs shaved, bikini waxed and sexy underwear, it was always on my terms and it was great. And when I didn't feel like peopleing I simply didn't have to. Back to my cosy room, in my carefree shared house I'd retreat.

Fast-forward 10 years and here we are  — married, kids, mortgage, dog, routine. Long gone are the days of sex in the middle of the afternoon, tearing each other's clothes off and not caring what you should be doing.

Any kind of spontaneous sex has all but disappeared, lost under piles of washing and the heavy weight of responsibility. The once unstoppable urge has been pushed aside and ignored for too long.

Our magnificent sex life is all but gone. I know we both miss it, but the idea of igniting it seems like an impossible task and, to be frank, I can't really be bothered to start.

How can we save things?

I once read that in women, sex builds a sex drive. So in order to want sex again, I've got to have sex.

So here's the challenge: have sex every day for one week to reconnect. My 30-year-old self laughs in the background; sex every day was no challenge back then. If only she knew what her future holds!

I decided not to tell my husband about the challenge. Despite everything I've read about rekindling intimacy, it clearly points towards open communication. I feel the point here is about spontaneity and nothing kills the mood more than scheduled fun.

This is how it went:

Listen: Butter is a super-spicy audio erotica series that takes podcast form. Post continues after podcast.

Day 1: Too tired to start this tonight, my mind raced with all the reasons not to. But, as I gently stroked his body, I felt him come alive and remembered how great it feels to be connected to someone.

Note to self, I must go to bed earlier if I want to keep this up.

Day 2: Are you kidding me? A sickness bug rages through our home and there is nothing sexy about the next 24 hours.

So, I'm forced to start again.

Day 1: Let's try again. Why does it feel like so much effort? It's nice to see how much he cares about me having a good time. We're finally doing something together, rather than the divide and conquer of the everyday.

Day 2: Things still feel a little predictable. I have really got to remember a few of my old moves.

But tonight we fell asleep together in the middle of the bed, not miles apart like we normally do.

Day 3: He's so much more affectionate towards me today, even kinder. Suddenly, the hierarchy of kids and parents has shifted. It's me and him together again, as adults.

Day 4: I've been thinking about this all day, excitement is creeping back in. Is this the thrill of the chase I'm feeling again?

Day 5: There are kids everywhere! It's almost impossible to get alone time. But that makes it even more exciting.

Day 6: He fell asleep on the sofa. Surely I can have the night off? No, stick to the plan, sex on the sofa it is. Is spontaneity making a comeback?

Day 7: I think he's onto me. But I'm pretty sure he thinks it's awesome.

Conclusion:

Okay, so sex every day might not be realistic or even sustainable in a long-term relationship, but making time prioritise each other when life is messy and busy should be.

The way we pleasure and take pleasure in each other is one of the only things that differentiates us as a couple from being flat mates.

In the everyday humdrum of life it's seriously hard to feel the tingle of excitement for the man who just pooped with an open door, while you yelled at your kids to put their shoes and socks on.

But making time and space to get as close as possible to each other is now my new priority.

I'm pretty sure sex just saved my marriage.

Clarissa is a candid and relatable writer exploring the complexities of modern relationships, marriage, and motherhood with raw honesty. By sharing deeply personal experiences, Clarissa dissects intimacy, identity, and connection in our forties.

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