"I’m not attracted to my wife any more. And I’m ashamed of the reason."

July 13, 2015

Image via iStock.

I’m sitting here trying to work out the best way to put this – because there is no right way. There’s certainly no good way. It’s not something I want to say, but if I’m honest with myself I’ll say it.

I’m not attracted to my wife.

It’s not the sort of thing you can share with people generally, is it? I know I can’t, because I’d feel disloyal. I’d feel like I’m belittling my wife and that’s the last thing I want to do. And it’s not what she deserves. She’s a good woman. A wonderful woman. A much better person than me.

But I’m not attracted to her. I love her smile, her nature, her personality, her warmth and wisdom. But I’m starting to think I love her like a sibling – and that’s a horrible place to be. Yes, you’re right – especially for her. (Post continues after gallery.)

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Maybe if we’d been married for 20 years or so it would feel more understandable and acceptable, but we only got married five years ago and we’re both in our late 30s/early 40s.

I know the reason why I’m not attracted to my wife and there’s no good way of saying this either.

My wife got fat.

I look at my wife and I can’t see past the double chin. I want to see past the double chin – Lord knows I have tried to see past the double chin, but it’s like a mark on a clean shirt; once you see it, you can’t ignore it. It’s there.

In the past three years my wife has gone from a size 10/12 to a size 18, and there is no U-turn in sight. Yes, there are reasons for it. No one chooses to get fat. But by now the original reasons seem to have dissipated.

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It’s now a chicken-and-egg situation – my wife got fat because she started to drink. And she started to drink because she was unhappy. And now she’s unhappy because she’s fat.

“In the past three years my wife has gone from a size 10/12 to a size 18.”

I’m not blameless in all of this. I’m sure I’ve contributed to her unhappiness, but most of her unhappiness has been related to external forces. Work, family, friends – it hasn’t been easy.

But at what point do you look at yourself and say ‘I’m fat and I’m going to change it’? Actually, not say you’re going to change it, actually change it. Start to change it and stick with the program.

There have been gym memberships and diet programs and exercise plans and any number of other strategies but my wife hasn’t stuck with any of them for more than a fortnight. It’s all too hard, she says, and I’m sure it is – but there’s no other way.

Is beauty truly skin deep? Am I shallow beyond all redemption? Or am I just human? I’ve been jumping from one to the other for what seems like forever. Isn’t there an unwritten rule in relationships that you both do your level best to stay not just attracted to one another but attractive to one another?

Have you listened to the Debrief Daily team on why more couples are having a second wedding? (Post continues after podcast.)

I’m not attracted to my wife and our marriage is suffering as a consequence because there’s no flame; there’s barely a flint. My wife knows how I feel. I’ve never told her, of course. I mean, how on earth do those words ever come out of your mouth? But she can sense it.

She can see it in the way I don’t look at her. She can hear it in the words I don’t say. She can feel it in our empty embraces. She can read it from the pages of our diminished, one-dimensional, very occasional, sex life. It’s not a sex life. It’s a near sexless existence. And we’re both too young for that. (Post continues after gallery.)

We love these celeb quotes on body image

Rebel WilsonThe actress said on Twitter; "I'm not trying to be hot. I'm just trying to be a good actress and entertain people."

Image via @rebelwilson

Adele"The first thing to do is be happy with yourself and appreciate your body - only then should you try to change things about yourself."

Image via Getty

Lady GagaAfter the media focused on her alleged weight gain in September 2012, Gaga hit back at critics by baring her body in photographs, sharing her struggles with an eating disorder, and inviting her fans to join her in a "body revolution"/ Image via @ladygaga

Ashley JuddAfter the March 2012 frenzy around Judd's "puffy face" the actress fought back in 'The Daily Beast', calling the media out for making women's bodies "a source of speculation, ridicule, and invalidation, as if they belong to others". Image via @ashley_judd

Christina Aguilera"I am always in support of someone who is willing and comfortable in their own skin enough to embrace it," the singer said in a recent interview. Image via @xtina

Lena DunhamAt the 2012 New Yorker Festival, the magazine's TV critic, Emily Nussbaum, asked Lena Dunham, producer, creator and star of the hit HBO show 'Girls' why Dunham is naked in so many scenes.

Dunham responded; "I realised that what was missing in movies for me was the presence of bodies I understood." She said she plans to live until she is 105 and show her thighs every day. Image via @lenadunham

Alexa ChungChung responded to critics who suggested that her slight frame made her a bad role model for young women, saying:

"Just because I exist in this shape doesn't mean that I'm, like, advocating it." Image via Twitter @alexa_chung

Stella BoonshoftThe NYU student started the amazing Body Love Blog, where she posted this picture of herself and wrote an open letter to those who feel entitled to shame others for the size or look of their bodies. Image via http://thebodyloveblog.tumblr.com"> Body Love Blog

Beth DittoThis five-foot-tall, 200-pound singer spoke openly about her weight to 'The Advocate' saying, "I feel sorry ... for people who've had skinny privilege and then have it taken away from them. I have had a lifetime to adjust to seeing how people treat women who aren't their idea of beautiful and therefore aren't their idea of useful, and I had to find ways to become useful to myself." Image via @marybethditto

I want my wife to lose some weight. You can’t help how you’re hardwired. I want my wife to be healthy, feel good about herself and take pride in her appearance. I don’t care if that sounds shallow but, then, I do. I hate myself for feeling like this.

I hate myself for not being bigger than this. I hate myself for letting it get to this. My wife deserves better. Better than me. I wish I could be the man she thought she married. But I’m not. I’m me.

And I’m not attracted to my wife.

This article was originally published on Debrief Daily. Read the original article here.

Have your feelings about your partner changed?