A blow-up throne? The luxury items chosen for I'm a Celebrity... are weird.

Pity the poor creatures who reside in the jungle of Kruger National Park in South Africa.

Since Sunday, they’ve been tormented by the piteous moaning of “celebrities” stranded in the wild with just a hammock and some basic necessities. There are none of the luxuries to which they have become accustomed, such as smartphones for sexy jungle selfies; personal assistants to throw their smartphones at; or kale smoothies.

They’re not completely without creature comforts though. Each contestant on I’m a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here! is allowed to bring one “luxury” item along.

“Some have been haggling for some odd things. One suggested mascara was a medical exemption — the condition is being on television, I suppose. We won’t be allowing that without a doctor’s certificate,” Ten’s head of entertainment Stephen Tate told news.com.au.

Hmmmm I wonder whose request that was?

As far as I can tell, though, Laurina Fleure the only person in the jungle who understands what a luxury item is. That’s why she chose a blow-up throne to perch upon in her self-designated role of Queen of the Jungle. Unfortunately, she wasn’t able to bring the pump, so she’s going to be blowing it up for hours.

Akmal Saleh’s first choice was an air-conditioned cabin, but he went way too luxurious with that one. He then went all the way in the opposite direction and chose a beige baseball cap.

Anthony Callea chose a small pair of scissors. This seems neither luxurious nor necessary. Perhaps he’s seeking to defend himself from wild animals or rabidly hungry celebrities?

Bonnie Lythgoe has a much better idea — a pillow, covered with a silk pillowcase. That’s actually going to bring her great comfort. Kudos to you, Bonnie.

Brendan Fevola, that old softie, chose a picture of his three children but was too overcome with emotion to actually look at it.

Courtney Hancock brought a pink yoga matt, which is so, so boring I can’t even stand it.

Dean Guyer, the “Hollywood heartthrob” (really?) brought a picture of his girlfriend, which actually looks just like a picture of an underwear model he’s ripped out of a magazine.

DJ Havana Brown brought a gold chain she was given by her parents on her first communion. Also useless.

Jo Beth Taylor has killed two birds with one stone: she’s also chosen a pillow, but the pillow case has pictures of her favourite people all over it: her son, partner, parents, and dog (dogs are the best people).

Paul Harragon chose a footy, which I suppose will keep him and Brendan occupied for several weeks.

Val Lehman brought a deck of cards, and she’s probably going to teach everyone rummy or euchre or something. It’s a good choice. Jacks are trumps! Hours of fun.

These celebs can leave any time — they just have to shout “I’m a celebrity, get me out of here!” to return to lives that don’t involve eating monkey’s butts or swimming through effluent or whatever the hell they make them do.

Ball’s in your court, celebrities.