Today's the day to ask a new mum you know, "Are you okay?"

Because sometimes other people can see what you can’t.

The second a new baby arrives in the world, a new life has begun. Not just for the child, but for the mother too.

A life that she never knew before, where everything is turned upside down. One day, you're free to come and go as you please, and the next you're a human milk-bar existing on zero sleep, stressed out of your mind and feeling lost in an alternate world.

It can be scary and draining. The movies would have you think that motherhood comes naturally to every single one of us, and that you should be over the moon at this life transformation. The reality is that it doesn't always work that way.

It didn't for me.

The birth of my first child didn't go to plan. I ended up with an emergency c-section and already, I felt like I had failed before I had even left the hospital.

He didn't feed right, and every two hours both him and I would sit in tears trying to work each other out. There I was with a crying baby, sore boobs and the phone in my hand as I sobbed down the line desperately trying to seek help.

I saw every lactation consultant in Sydney, I read endless online forums. My self confidence plummeted every time I tried unsuccessfully to feed my own child, him screaming because he was hungry, and me wondering what the hell I'd got myself into. 

He also didn't sleep. Looking back, I believe he had colic but for a first-time mum, I just thought this is what babies did. Everyone said it was hard. Maybe I just wasn't equipped for this.

My husband and I would take it in turns to pace up and down the hallway with him, trying desperately to keep him quiet just long enough for the other one to inhale some food.

I was exhausted. Not the kind of exhausted I had ever felt before. A new kind of exhausted where the world carried on without me.

By the time he was about two weeks old my confidence as a mother was zero. I felt like I was failing on every front. I loved my son but I had trouble bonding with him because I felt he deserved so much more than what I  was giving him.

One day, in desperation, I called a lactation consultant recommended by some online forum mothers. She was from the other side of Sydney. When I say one day, I mean 11pm one night.

This lady stayed on the phone with me, having never met me in her life, and spoke to me in a way that calmed my fears. She broke down my issues one by one and made an appointment with me the very next morning.

I actually felt I could get through the night. I felt embarrassed that I'd asked so much of this stranger, and yet I needed her.

She arrived at my house as she said,  and sat with me while I fed my son. She pinpointed exactly what was going wrong with his feedings and it was like a light bulb had gone off. It was something so simple but because I was so deeply critical of myself and so overwhelmed I just couldn't see the answer myself.

More than anything though, she asked me if I was okay.

Not the way that people ask without actually wanting an answer. She asked me if I was ok, and then waited patiently while I answered her honestly. She took the time to go through the Edinburgh Postnatal Depression Scale and talked to me about how I was genuinely feeling about being a new mother.

And from there I started to feel better.

Now, I was never diagnosed with post natal depression. But from my experience of a very isolating, lonely experience that I wouldn't wish on anyone, I can begin to glimpse the edge of that. And I can see so clearly how easily you can assume that everything you feel might be normal and that its just you who's not coping.

And that's when you need to seek help. Go to your GP and talk about your feelings. There is no stigma. No embarrassment. No shame. That baby needs you to be the best version of you and in order to do that, you need to look after yourself.

Being a mother is hard, being a new mother is really hard.

Today is national "Are you Ok?" Day, perhaps its a really good chance to reach out to any new mothers you might know. Even those that you don't. If you see someone struggling at the shops with a crying newborn and a trolley full of shopping, just take the time to ask them. You never know that you're small gesture may mean more than you can imagine.

Did someone reaching out to you make all the difference in your world?

If this post brings up issues for you, you can also visit Beyondblue: the national depression initiative  online, or call them on 

1300 22 4636. You should also talk to your local GP or maternal health professional.

The R U OK? website offers advice on how to have a conversation that could change a life.

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