"I had no respect for you." An open letter to the wife of the man I was sleeping with.

I met your husband nine years ago.

I was freshly graduated from university and looking for a job in my field of study. I remember it was my very first day in the office when I saw him. He was tall, blonde, had a great smile, kind eyes, and was looking gorgeous in a suit.

I remember seeing the wedding ring and being disappointed but I didn’t really think much beyond that. We worked very closely together during my first few months, but nothing ever really moved beyond surface level conversation between two work colleagues. Why would it?

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It was a warm night in summer and we all walked down to the local pub one night after work for drinks.

Your husband and I found our way into a conversation with another and by this stage, we were VERY drunk. He whispered in my ear how attractive he found me and that he wanted to take me home.

I almost fell off my stool in shock, but I was also young, naive, insecure, and drunk… and this attention gave me some kind of validation I was craving at the time.

We snuck off and thus begun the start of our three-month affair. I took him home that night and he could not stop telling me how beautiful I was. Every word that came out of his mouth was like a drug to me. I couldn’t get enough.

We had to sneak around at work. Everyone knew about your marriage – of course they did. Deep down I knew he would never leave you for me and I was fine with that. I had no respect for you, and I evidently had no respect for myself either.

But that didn’t stop how thrilling and forbidden it felt. We had quickies in the office, we would meet after his shift by the river in my car, we snuck away from multiple office gatherings to get our fix.

A quick hit. And when I say quick, I mean quick – unless he was drunk, then it would take forever.

You were pregnant at the time you discovered our affair. He left his phone at home and I was stupid enough to message. When my phone rang and his name popped up, the guilt that flooded through my body when you said, “How long have you been sleeping with my husband?” still gives me anxious flashbacks .

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Even when you messaged me saying you weren’t mad at me and just wanted to know the truth, I couldn’t give you that. I told you I texted the wrong number and that you should talk to your husband.

You made him accept a job in the country and I scoffed at that. I thought it was silly. But you were just doing what you needed for your family, to heal yourself when you were most vulnerable, carrying another life inside you.

In years to come, I would flippantly laugh as I told people this story like it was something to be proud of. The bravado then turned to shame as I got older and grew into a much better person and carried this guilt. While I know it took both him and I entering an unspoken agreement, and he knew exactly what he was doing, I should’ve said no.

Not a day goes by where I don’t think about you and your child (or maybe you have many children by now), and the pain this must have caused you. The pain you probably still carry around even though I’m sure your marriage is now in a great place. Sometimes I think about reaching out to you but I am sure that would unnecessarily open a world of hurt for you that you do not need – you have been hurt enough in all of this.

So to you, I am sorry. While I have never been pregnant, I have felt betrayal and know how debilitating the pain that follows is. You deserved better, from both of us.

I hope he learned from this and treats you like the queen you are. I know I sure did.

The author of this story is known to Mamamia but has chosen to remain anonymous for privacy reasons. The feature image used is a stock photo.

Feature image: Getty.