'I want a divorce, but my husband is the breadwinner and says he'll take everything.'

Welcome to Mamamia's column, Divorce Diaries, where Dr Gabrielle Morrissey answers questions around love, loss and relationship breakdowns. If you have an issue you'd like advice on, email us at submissions@mamamia.com.au — you can be anonymous of course.

Question:

I want to leave my husband but I'm worried that if I just leave, he will take everything financially. He's always been the main "breadwinner" and he's always told me that if we split up, he will have everything and I will get nothing. Is this true? He's always handled all our finances and I have very little input. Saying that now, I feel foolish and wish I'd been more interested and involved. What can I do now though, to protect my financial position before leaving? He can't keep the majority of our assets and money just because he says he should, surely?

Answer:

First thing first: let go of the idea of foolishness and regret about how you behaved financially in your marriage. When one spouse is controlling, or demonstrating economic abuse by holding the power, knowledge and decision-making around marital finances, you may have been put in a position where learning about or participating in the economic side of your relationship was actually never really an option anyway.

You may have wished to be more proactive, and I do recommend women are fully in the know about their marital or relationship finances, and participate equally in decisions around assets, investments, debts, purchases etc, but the brutal truth is that if a spouse is economically controlling, it is a form of abuse and frankly far more common than most people even realise. 

Second, no, your husband cannot keep finances simply because he declares it so. We have laws to protect against this. And he cannot unilaterally make financial decisions in divorce, even though he may have behaved this way in marriage. However, regaining your economic power means being smart and not just trusting a legal process that is fraught with pitfalls for women — particularly those leaving spouses who are used to having all the control and decisions. These are not partners that tend to think in an egalitarian way during a split or when their control is challenged. 

So it's crucial to take proactive, smart steps to safeguard your financial future. Here are some key strategies to help protect yourself financially during a divorce, before you leave or split:

1. Gather financial documents.

It is amazing how many don't do this and assume papers can be easily obtained, or that their spouse will willingly share them during a breakup. Think again! So start by collecting all relevant financial records, including bank statements, tax returns, investment accounts, retirement accounts, mortgage documents, credit card statements, and lists of assets and debts.

Having a clear picture of your financial situation is essential for fair negotiations. If you can't find all the papers, at least write down everything you know and recall discussing in terms of debts, assets, accounts and investments.

The more information you have, the better for you in negotiations.

Not to be too negative, but it can be astounding to learn how many men who had been previously open about assets become shut down and tight-lipped, providing little to no information without an expensive legal fight. Be informed and be prepared.

2. Open individual accounts.

If you don't already have them, open your own checking, savings, and credit card accounts in your name only. This establishes financial independence and prevents your spouse from potentially restricting your access to funds. Put money in it and make sure this bank is a different bank from any joint accounts or any other accounts your spouse has. Keep things separate and in cases of abuse and control, a separate bank is safer.

3. Monitor joint accounts.

Keep a close eye on any joint accounts and credit cards. Be alert for unusual activity or large withdrawals. Consider freezing joint accounts or credit cards to prevent new charges, but only do this with legal advice as there are times when it is warranted and times when it might have a detrimental effect on any final negotiations or court orders.

4. Establish your own credit.

If you don't have credit in your own name, open that bank account in your own name and consider applying for a credit card just in your name to start building your credit and repayment history. A solid credit score will be important for your financial future and independence.

5. Secure copies of important documents.

Make copies of crucial documents like birth certificates, passports, your marriage license and anything critical that isn't necessarily a financial document, but will be helpful to establish new housing, school enrolments, new employment etc. Store them in a safe place outside the marital home. Some excellent encrypted apps will store copies of these documents safely digitally, without anyone's ability to access them (not even your spouse).

6. Consult a financial advisor.

An experienced financial advisor can help you understand your current financial position and plan for your post-divorce/split future. They can assist with budgeting, investments, and long-term financial planning. Go earlier rather than later because they will tell you what you are missing and need to find, and also advise you on smart steps to take and protect before declaring your split if necessary. Women often respond to this advice negatively, but reflect perhaps on why. Men are far more likely to adopt this advice in the very early stages of considering a split.

7. Hire a skilled lawyer to match your situation.

A knowledgeable divorce lawyer will advocate for your rights and help ensure a fair division of assets, as well as parenting plan if you share children. Don't wait to get advice. Many women, more so than men, hesitate to get legal advice, thinking it signals the absolute end of the marriage when they aren't yet 100% sure. But if you're thinking about it, and don't feel you have a good grasp of your finances or what to expect in divorce, it's always better to have expert advice guiding your thinking and decision-making. Don't operate from assumptions (positive or negative!).

8. Be cautious about leaving the marital home.

Moving out can sometimes impact your claim to the property, or make life and property negotiations more burdensome or difficult. Consult your lawyer before making any decisions about living arrangements. Typically women in any kind of abuse or unhappiness will elect to leave, or expect they should leave. However most states now have a legal option for women to stay and exclude the partner, especially in cases where he is being unsafe, abusive or coercively controlling. Don't assume that because you may be the one instigating the split that you should necessarily be the one to move out. Always try to get advice before making this decision alone. This does not apply to dangerous or unsafe situations. The safety of you and or your children is paramount.

9. Document valuable assets.

Create an inventory of valuable household items, artwork, jewellery, and other assets. Take photos or videos as documentation. Sound a little overboard? Better to be safe, and trying to recall things when you are stressed, and out of the house, just adds strain and isn't reliable.

10. Understand things that might be in your spouse's name, but shared in relationship.

Be aware of any pensions, stock options, super, employment benefits, travel or hotel points etc that your spouse may have. These can be significant assets in a divorce settlement. Your lawyer should ask you for a full inventory of all these things, so be prepared for a full unearthing of everything you shared during your partnership/marriage.

11. Protect your business.

If you own a business, take steps to protect it. Have it professionally valued and consider options like a buy-sell agreement.

12. Be realistic about the marital home.

While emotionally significant, keeping the marital home isn't always financially wise. Consider whether you can afford mortgage payments, taxes, and maintenance on your own. Discuss options with your lawyer, banker and financial advisor. Open your mind and listen to advice without your emotional brain dominating.

13. Plan for the long-term.

Think beyond the immediate divorce settlement. Consider your long-term financial needs, including retirement planning. Negotiate this with lawyers, or legal and financial advice — there is often large gender inequity across the lifespan of a marriage or partnership that should be taken into consideration.

14. Update your estate plan.

Revise your will, trusts, and beneficiary designations on retirement accounts, life insurance policies and any employment documents.

15. Consider mediation — genuinely.

Mediation can be less costly and contentious than litigation. Especially family court legislation that can go on and on and many describe as a special level of hell (sadly). Mediation may be a required step but don't make it a box-ticking exercise — it may help you reach a fair settlement more efficiently, so really try it sincerely.

16. Don't hide assets and don't assume your previously loving and loyal partner wouldn't hide their assets.

Be transparent about your finances. Hiding assets can severely damage your credibility and lead to penalties. Make sure everything they have listed as assets is in fact truthful and comprehensive, in totality.

17. Take care of yourself.

Prioritise self-care during this stressful time. Consider therapy or support groups to help you navigate the emotional aspects of divorce. Divorce is one of the most stressful life events a person can go through. Doing it feeling like you may be on the back foot financially is even more draining and worrying. Arm yourself with knowledge, preparation and advice, but also take care of yourself and your ability to cope and hang in there through the journey.

Every divorce is unique, and the best strategies will depend on your specific circumstances. By being proactive, informed, and working with skilled professionals, you can protect your financial interests and set yourself up for a stable future post-divorce.

Just because he controlled the money and decisions in marriage does not mean that is the way the divorce needs to go. To change the trajectory, bring in your experts and allies. You may have felt foolish about not being involved in the finances during your marriage, which you shouldn't, but certainly don't give any room to not be involved and proactive in the finances for the future.

Count on yourself this time.

Feature: Getty.