"I have some concerns about the Easter Bunny"

My six-year-old daughter lost a tooth last week. After five days of wiggling, gum manipulation and endless calls of “hey daddy look how loose it is now,” it eventually came out. She put it in a glass of water that night and miraculously the next morning, the tooth was gone and the Tooth Fairy had placed a shiny new $5 note under the glass. My daughter was over the moon, but the whole incident got me thinking about home security.

Now I don’t want to be a wet blanket, but shouldn’t we as parents be at least a little concerned about some complete stranger having access to our kid’s rooms at night? I know that we all picture the Tooth Fairy as a petite, pretty, little fairy, floating delicately on gossamer wings and sprinkling pixie dust as she flutters. However, as none of us have actually seen this Tooth Fairy, how do we know that’s how she looks at all? In fact how do we know the Tooth Fairy is indeed a “she”? What if “she”, rather than looking like Tinkerbell, is actually a “he” and a raging alcoholic, with bourbon-induced halitosis and looks like Boris Yeltsin?

I felt I should be raising a few questions about how this Tooth Fairy finances his clandestine transactions. Where does he get all the cash to buy those millions of teeth from kids all around the world? It’s quite the investment. What does he then do with them? Are we parents, by allowing our kids to put the tooth under the pillow or in the glass, somehow supporting some sort of black market ivory trade?? Are all the teeth being fashioned to produce ornate chess pieces or hair-clips for the European ultra-rich?

I have similar concerns with the Easter Bunny, as I watched my child madly rushing around collecting chocolate eggs from our yard. Every Easter he flounces around our place, distributing child-addictive fat and sugar loaded treats, for our kids to consume in vast quantities. We don’t really know anything about this giant rodent, where he sources his cocoa, the hygiene and quality control of his egg production and don’t even get me started on how he gets in to our backyards unsupervised, seemingly by magic.

Can you imagine if the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy had to sit down with us parents and sell us on their plans for our kids ahead of time?

Easter Bunny – “So guys, I realise you are parents and we have never met, however I’m hoping that once a year I be allowed to have unfettered access to your backyard. I plan to hop around and hide incredibly unhealthy stuff in the garden, which your little kids can then find… and eat.”

Tooth Fairy – “Nice one EB. Now parents, I know you don’t me either, but I don’t envisage you’ll have any problems with what I am planning. It simply involves me sneaking in to your kids bedrooms. Like EB, I can only possibly do this at night, but don’t worry, both you and the children will be sound asleep and I won’t turn the lights on. After I collect their unwanted teeth, all you will see of me will be the money I leave them. Is this cool?”

Don’t some questions need to be asked? This madness has been going on for long enough

Jase Gram is a father of two, husband of one, owner of two (dogs). You can follow him and his social observations at his blog.

At what age did you stop believing in the Tooth Fairy or the Easter Bunny? What would you or do you tell your own children? And how much chocolate did you consume this weekend?