ASK SEAN: "I love my boyfriend but I'd happily never have sex with him ever again."

When it comes to figuring out men, it sometimes pays to skip the girl talk and head straight to the source. This column is my advice on your most burning questions about guys. And since I’m gay, I’m kind of halfway inside your head already. Let’s dive in!

This week, you asked:

“I love my boyfriend but I would honestly be perfectly happy if we never had sex again. It has absolutely nothing to do with him – I love him and I love cuddling and kissing. But when it comes to sex, I’m just not bothered. How do I get him to understand that it’s not rejection and has nothing to do with him?”

Relationships aren’t all about sex.

But you knew that already, didn’t you?

Love, and trust, and emotional compatibility should be our top priorities when deciding who we spend the rest of our lives with. But “should” doesn’t keep relationships alive.

Kissing and cuddling are good. Actually, they’re bloody spectacular. But your boyfriend doesn’t have to remain in a relationship that doesn’t fulfil him sexually. And you shouldn’t want to remain in a relationship with someone who isn’t completely fulfilled.

So what do you do? You talk.

Samantha X shares her tips on how to have better sex. Post continues below.

Because you should never force yourself to have sex just to keep a relationship alive, communication is the only real option you have. You need to put your cards on the table and give your partner the opportunity to respond accordingly.

I have two pieces of advice. The first is to avoid attempting to “get him to understand”. Attempting to convince him that it’s “not rejection” won’t change the fact that you may have incompatible sexual needs.

That leads me to my second piece of advice: own your truth. There’s no need to be embarrassed or confused by the fact that you don’t want to have sex with your boyfriend. In fact, you shouldn’t be ashamed of not wanting to have sex at all.

We’re all made differently. We come to this planet with different desires and preferences. Believing that you are fine just the way you are – lack of sex drive and all – is the key to lifelong happiness, I reckon.

So go on and be honest. With your partner and yourself.

Maybe he’ll be totally fine with it and all of this stress would have been for nothing. Maybe the news will be a total relief, as he’s not digging sex either. Or maybe he’ll use the opportunity to end the relationship and move on. Either way, you will have spoken your truth. And there’s nothing more important than that.

Best of luck, my dear. I hope you (and your partner) find exactly what you’re both looking for.

Read more from Ask Sean: 

• ASK SEAN: “I’m scared to tell my new boyfriend how many guys I’ve slept with.”
• Ask Sean: “My boyfriend and I have regular sex, but frankly it’s… really boring.”
• Ask Sean: “My boyfriend won’t stop liking photos of random girls in bikinis.”
• Ask Sean: “My ex is getting married and I feel… weird about it.”
• Ask Sean: “I’ve been with my boyfriend for three years. Now he doesn’t want to have sex.”
• Ask Sean: “I’m fantasising about my boyfriend’s brother. Is this a bad sign?”
• Ask Sean: “My boyfriend poops in front of me all the time. Is he too comfortable around me?”

Sean Szeps is a freelancer, and Mamamia’s resident Agony Uncle. To ask him a question, you can email submissions@mamamia.com.au. You can also follow Sean on Instagram, or listen to him on Mamamia’s parenting podcast, The Baby Bubble. 

Please note: the image used in this post is stock.

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