"The reason I can't masturbate is starting to stress me out."

Image via iStock.

I’d consider my sex life still pretty exciting for someone who’s been with the same person for over 10 years. But there’s one thing I just can’t bring myself to do: pleasure myself.

Once a taboo subject, talk around masturbation – particularly for females – has exploded. Every magazine seems to be packed full of tips and tricks, it’s no longer as shocking to see a woman pleasuring herself in pop culture, and any sex toy you could possibly desire is just one click and a discrete delivery away.

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While I think it’s great that it’s in the open and I get that it’s meant to be liberating, it only serves to make me feel even more anxious that I can’t do it myself.

While it’s something I’ve never really done, recently I’ve found myself worrying about it more and more.

It’s not a religious thing. Growing up my family was always very open about sex and I’ve always felt like I can discuss about most things with my group of girlfriends. My husband, who I married when I was 23, and I are also open about telling each other what we like.

I know I shouldn’t feel this way, but it makes me think there’s something wrong with me.

A few months ago when my husband went away for a few weeks for business, we tried phone sex. It was going well – until he told me to touch myself.

I wanted to - and I tried, but less than a minute in, I couldn’t keep going. Something inside of me switched off, and any desire or enjoyment went completely out the window. I made up an excuse and he was understanding, but I felt disappointed in myself.

Not because the call hadn’t turned out how we’d both hoped, but because I felt like a failure. I couldn’t do something that was supposed to come naturally.

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I’ve tried a few times since then and the same thing happens. It’s not that I don’t enjoy it, I do - but something stops me before I can even get close to finishing. It’s almost like my mind won’t give my body permission to go the whole way.

I love having sex with my husband, like any woman I have days where I’m feeling so turned on I pretty much jump on my husband when he walks through the door. I usually have no problem orgasming. (Post continues after gallery).

But doing it solo? I can’t do it. And most of the time? I don’t know whether I actually want to or whether it’s just a feeling of pressure that I should be doing it.

And it’s got to the point where I don’t know what to do about it.

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I don’t want people to think I’m a prude. I want to be the Samantha and not the Charlotte, I want to be fun and carefree, unafraid to openly say that yes, I do it and yes, I enjoy it, but nothing works. And the anxiety is consuming me - I need a solution. Is a sexy toy the answer? Am I just too uptight? Or is it something that physical action can’t fix alone?

All I know is that whether I’m doing it or not doing it, it’s equally as stressful.