'Forget being nice. I'm learning how to be more confrontational.'

I am reading Gloria Steinem’s My Life on the Road. One passage (one of many moving, heartfelt, inspiring stories) stood out to me in particular. When Steinem’s decided to tell a taxi driver what she really thought about his bigoted, racist remarks, she was proud of the following:

“I said what I thought and I didn’t get upset.”

So simple, but so powerful.

Think about it, how often do you go to stand up to someone, who you might viscerally disagree with, but you find yourself hesitating? Or doubting your own opinion? Or thinking of all the reasons why you don’t really need to say anything, because the other person is ignorant and you saying something is not going to make a difference anyway? (Maybe that’s true, but does this ever stop a man?)

How often does someone offend or insult you and, before you know it, you are apologising or justifying or rectifying? Maybe you cry, maybe you shut down, maybe you yell?

Why can’t you say what you think, and leave it?

Because saying what you think and not getting upset is difficult. It’s difficult for women in particular, because we are taught from a young age that opinions, speaking up, and speaking out is not the role of women. We are taught socially, culturally, at every stage of life, that our vocal chords are not ‘made’ for assertiveness. That our phrases should be to pacify, not ignite. Comfort, not offend.

So when we do have something to say that might be offensive, confronting or (God-forbid) difficult for the other person to hear, our voices might quaver, we might yell, we might apologise, we might speak softly, we might start to cry. Why do we do this? Because we are frustrated. We are frustrated that all those pre-conceived ideas of femininity, and the ways we were brought up to be polite, and courteous and humble, are stopping us from saying the very thing that we believe.

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“For girls, acting out is not encouraged,” psychologist Sandra Thomas told News.com.au. “They tend to get the message that anger is unpleasant or unfeminine.”

“We second-guess, question and doubt ourselves regarding our grounds and motives for confrontation,” women’s career coach Kathy Caprino told Forbes. “We (again, particularly women) don’t want to be seen as ‘mean’ or challenging.”

It’s not just women who are like this. Men can be too. But it is less likely. Because when a man says something, people listen. When a woman says something, if they something at all (research has found women speak less than 75% of of the time men speak in a group environment), people question it. Or say she’s hysterical. Or take offence.

We need to get over this. We need to start standing up for ourselves. And, in doing this, standing up for each other. As American poet, memoirist, and civil rights activist Maya Angelou said “each time a woman stands up for herself… she stands up for all women”.

But how?

First off, our confidence needs work. Nothing says this better than this example from and American All-Star WNBA player Monique Currie.

“For guys,  they have maybe 13- or 15-player rosters, but all the way down to the last player on the bench, who doesn’t get to play a single minute, I feel like his confidence is just as big as the superstar of the team.” She told The Atlantic. “For women, it’s not like that.”

We underestimate our abilities. Doubt our self-worth. And have an awful tendency to reduce the importance of our place in any discussion. Research has shown women tend to downplay their certainty – even when they are certain – and men are more likely to minimise their doubts. Just think about it, how many times have you apologised before asking a question, or pointing out a discrepancy?

As Caprino says: “It’s important to understand that you are 50% of every interaction and every relationship – not more, not less — so be fully accountable for your part.”

That’s right we are entitled to 50% of the discussion. It’s time we started acting like it.

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When it comes to dealing with a disagreement in particular, Caprino says we need to get better at identifying the real issue and “teasing out all the tangential factors, emotions and issues that aren’t relevant or essential to the discussion”. This will make our point-making clearer, more specific and likely more effective.

“Carefully evaluate what you’re thinking and feeling, and identify the real issue that you need to address,” she said. “Remember, confrontation doesn’t have to mean a ‘fight’. When you do connect with and confront the other party, make your opening statement in a non-emotional, fact-based manner, then STOP talking.  Don’t waffle, don’t add qualifiers, and don’t go on and on.”

(Need inspiration, look to the man in the room).

Finally, we need to get better owning our feelings. There is no need for us to water them down with concern for others. We should break the habit of considering our feelings, ideas, thoughts, opinions less valuable or less worthy of discussion. Why should we be the only one in the conversation worrying about what other people think?

As Jennifer Lawrence put it, when talking about negotiating equal pay in Hollywood:

“I’m over trying to find the “adorable” way to state my opinion and still be likable! Fuck that. I don’t think I’ve ever worked for a man in charge who spent time contemplating what angle he should use to have his voice heard. It’s just heard.”

Giving up “adorable” – that is why we love her.

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