Your foolproof guide for what not to say in your wedding speech.

The wedding speech is one of those traditions that can really go either way.

They can leave you in tears, moved in ways you never thought possible. Or, they can backfire massively and leave you wondering, ‘What the actual hell did I just witness?’

It might be the nerves of the speaker, the emotions of the day or the champagne the bridal party has been guzzling since breakfast, or just a bad sense of humour. A lot of factors can lead wedding speeches down the latter path, but we’re here to steer you back onto course and help you avoid the usual traps many speakers fall into when toasting their loved ones.

The following list is a round-up of all the things you shouldn't say on somebody's big day.

1. "I'm so glad (person 1) turned up because if I had to memorise the name of one more date (person 2) brought home..."

2. "Well, we waited long enough!"

3. "It's so good to see two people go through so much and still..."

4. "Well! Who saw this coming?"

5. "Sometimes it's the people we last expect who are the best for us."

6. "Let's be honest, we never liked Jessica at the start but she grew on us."

7. "I forgot my palm cards so I'm going to have to wing it!"

8. "I couldn't come up with anything last night so I thought I'd just wing it...."

9. "Love. Well, I personally wouldn't know how it feels or what it looks like..."

There's something oddly comforting in the cheese that is a wedding film. Post continues.

10. "I have known (person 1) since they were a child. I saw her through the first marriage, I taught her to believe in herself, I told her to love again... I... I... I."

11. "I am pregnant/engaged/terminally ill."

The round-up of what you should say, however, is substantially shorter. Just follow the rule of the three Cs:  keep it clean, keep it classy and keep it focused on the couple.

A good and memorable wedding speech elicits warmth and maybe a gentle chuckle from the crowd. Try to recount some of the PG times you've had with the engaged couple and leave out the awkward, insulting or "risky" back stories.

Are you a hardcore fan of the 'big day' or a devout disbeliever? We discuss the death of "death do us part" on our Mamamia Out Loud podcast.