'The conversation every parent dreads’: An expert on how to tell kids you’re divorcing.

“What about the kids?” It’s the natural first question to ask when you’re considering a divorce or separation, and with 48 per cent of all divorces involving kids, it’s a question being played out in households across the country every week. 

It’s the conversation every parent dreads, but when you and your partner have decided to separate or divorce, your kids need to be told and included in the discussion. 

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While I’ve been married for 30 years, my career in family law has involved countless divorces and separations. From experience, I can tell you that it’s never an easy time, but there is a way to tell your kids about what’s happening in a supportive manner that reduces unnecessary upset or disruption. 

Here’s how. 

Work as a team.

It’s crucial to have a joint plan in place before either of you discuss the separation with your children. 

Collaborate with your ex-partner in agreeing on when and where you will have the conversation and what information or ‘shared story’ you will tell your children. The last thing you want is to contradict each other, or get upset in a ‘he said, she said’ argument when telling the kids about your separation. 

Choose the right time and place. 

Plan for both of you to be present for it if possible, and choose a known place, at a time without interruptions, time pressures or distractions. You want to create a safe environment where they can express themselves freely. 

Be honest, but age-appropriate. 

Use age-appropriate words rather than confusing adult terms, and share information they can understand without burdening them with adult conflict or problems. Encourage them to ask questions and answer them as honestly as you can. Emphasise that it’s not their fault.

Reassure them of your love and support. Tell them you will both continue to love and care for them, and you’ll work together to give them stability during this time of transition. 

Validate their emotions. 

Let your children know that it's okay to feel a range of emotions, such as sadness, anger, confusion, or fear. There is no right or wrong way for them to respond or act. 

Encourage them to express their feelings openly, whatever that looks like, and assure them you’re there to support and listen to them. You need to be a safe space for them right now, so try not to judge their reaction or bite back in the heat of the moment.  

Don’t play the blame game.

Even if your separation isn’t entirely amicable, it’s best to shield them from adult conflict as much as possible, rather than airing any dirty laundry in front of little ears. 

It’s hard if you’ve been hurt or feel betrayed, but remember the words you say have an impact and can be hard to unsay down the line. 

Avoid speaking negatively about the other parent in front of your kids and please don’t use them as messengers or intermediaries.

Keep things normal.

Try to maintain routines and household rules as much as possible – kids thrive in stable, predictable environments. 

It might be really tough, but do your best to establish and maintain consistency of routines across households, and collaborate on a parenting routine that provides a predictable arrangement for everyone involved. 

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Look after yourself.

Take care of your own wellbeing. It’s easier said than done, I know, but this is a hugely stressful time, so reach out to friends and family for support, and seek professional help if you’re feeling overwhelmed. 

By looking after yourself, you’ll be better able to look after your kids when they need you most. 

When to seek support.

If you anticipate the conversation with your kids is going to be challenging, or if you see that your kids are struggling to cope with the separation, consider seeking guidance from a family therapist or counsellor who specialises in working with kids in this situation. 

While every situation is different, thousands of families have been through it before, and there are people out there who can help you make it work. 

It’s okay to not be okay.

Try not to put too much pressure on yourself. 

This is one of the most stressful situations anyone can go through, but with the right support, you’ll get there.

Adam Levine is the founder of Australian Family Law Advisory Services (AFLAS), which provides free and low-cost resources and guidance on relationship and family situations. AFLAS connects people with the right professional support for every situation including family law, financial advice, accounting, valuation, mortgage broking and mental health covering all aspects of family relationship issues. 

Feature Image: Getty.