"Sex isn't a joke or some big shameful secret." How to have a conversation with your kids about sex.

New research reveals that 79 per cent of Australians feel the sex education they received at school did not equip them for real-life sexual relationships. 

According to Act for Kids CEO Dr Katrina Lines, parents need to step in and support their teens by getting comfortable talking about sex.

"We know that if parents aren't talking to kids and schools aren't providing quality evidence-based sex education, then kids are mostly finding out about sex online through porn," Dr Lines tells Mamamia.

Watch the trailer for season three of Netflix's Sex Education. Post continues below.

"As we know, sex in porn mostly features paid actors. But kids and particularly young boys are looking at it and thinking, 'Oh, that's what I have to do.' It's confusing because sometimes the sex isn't consensual and it doesn't represent real sex in a relationship."

Troubled by how much sex education is coming from porn, Dr Lines explains why Act for Kids is campaigning for parents to 'get comfy' having awkward conversations about sex.

"We worked with a focus group of kids aged between 10 and 18 years old in order to myth bust some awkward sex-ed questions," Dr Lines shares.

"But some things they asked were worrying: 'Is strangulation a normal part of sex?', 'Is anal sex the sex you have when you don't want to get pregnant?'. They also had a lot of questions about body image after seeing the bodies of people in porn and questioning if that was how they should look."

As Dr Lines says, the only way to help them navigate this tricky terrain is by being open and honest about sex at an age appropriate level.

"We asked people when they think you should start teaching children about their bodies, sex, and relationships and consent. Most people say high school and our opinion is that's way too late."

Not only is it often too late, but too basic. 

"The young people we spoke to said they learned about reproductive systems and about their genitals," Dr Lines says.

"They learned about sexually transmitted diseases, and they learned about sex from a heterosexual perspective. But there was nothing about relationships, and very little about enthusiastic consent or pleasure in a mutually enjoyable relationship."

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University student Tahlia Miller agrees. In spite of having open minded parents and a progressive education, her official sex education was rudimentary.

"I think in total we had about three classes that dealt with sex education at school and I mostly remember a lot of giggling," 20-year-old Miller tells Mamamia.

"A teacher delivered the talk which was always awkward for everyone and it was mostly focused on procreation. We learnt little about the female body and the over simplified messages were things like, 'Don't get pregnant', 'Wear condoms', and 'Never sext anyone'. There was too much shame and fear."

Miller recalls getting most of her 'real' sex education from social media, podcasts, and even Netflix.

 "There are some great sex positive social media accounts that use simple infographics to explain things clearly and factually. Podcasts hosted by sex-positive therapists are great because they normalise everything; sex isn't a joke or some shameful big secret. Teaching the audience about sex is their job, and they are passionate about it which gave me a much healthier perspective.

"The TV show Sex Education on Netflix was great as a starting point because it opened up conversations with my friends as we were all watching it."

Miller believes that schools and parents often underestimate kids and how much they already know. 

"While age-appropriate conversations are important, this needs to be reassessed regularly as the world is so different to how it was even 10 years ago. Sometimes adults might think that because there is all this information out there at our fingertips, kids know it all. 

"But unless you ask, you don't know, and kids still need guidance in the right direction to help them work out what is and isn't good sex education information."

Tahlia Miller. Image: Supplied.

Miller believes that in an ideal world, parents would be happy to chat about sex with their kids, but that schools also have a big role to play.

"I was lucky to have sex-positive parents who I felt safe talking to, but I know for some kids, their parents are not a reliable source of information which can be isolating. This is why schools need to do better and provide the back-up support system with quality sex education for all."

Dr Lines agrees that there is more work to be done with helping our kids have a healthy relationship with sex.

"There's a gap in the current sex education. In schools, we need to offer a more rounded evidenced-based sex education that focuses on healthy, safe, and mutually enjoyable relationships and sex. 

"At home, parents need to talk to kids from when they're really little and you're naming their body parts. We tell them what elbows and knees are, so why can't we use the correct anatomical names for penis and vulva? By using the right language, it gets rid of the shame and secrecy around sex and normalises it. This is a good place to start and build on."

With research showing that kids under 10 are watching porn, Dr Lines says that parents need to stop feeling embarrassed so that when kids have a question about sex, they feel safe to come and ask you.

"You can just say to them, 'What do you know? Do you have any questions?' You can explain the importance of consent and discuss things like online safety and some of the big topics that might not get covered at school.

"It's actually not a teacher's responsibility to talk about sexual pleasure. But kids have questions and if they feel safe to ask you about it, then you've got a responsibility to discuss it because it will impact their relationships potentially for the rest of their lives. 

"We need to set them up to have the knowledge and understanding right from when they start to ask the questions."

As adults, Dr Lines says we all understand that sex is not just anatomy and procreation and so we need to make sure our kids understand this nuance and the rules of sexual relationships.

"With relationships, sex, and consent, you can't just talk about reproduction. Because all of that happens in a social and relational context, and even if you are just having casual sex with somebody, there's still another person there. 

"Kids need to understand the rules as we all do and so that the whole concept of having a conversation with somebody about consent or about birth control before sex is normal. Otherwise we end up with young people who are emotionally distressed and don't understand what's happening, and it simply doesn't need to be this way."

To find out more about Act For Kids 'Get Comfy' campaign, visit their website.

Laura Jackel is Mamamia's Family Writer. For links to her articles and to see photos of her outfits and kids, follow her on Instagram and  TikTok.

Feature Image: Netflix.

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