'The one phrase that stopped me from being a people pleaser.'

There is a phrase I once used daily at work: 'Sorry to bother you'.

No matter the context — I could be asking a question, following up on a task, or literally just existing — I'd preface everything with a 'Sorry to bother you' before, inevitably, bothering my colleagues.  

I'd also like to give an honourable mention to the phrase 'No worries if not!!', which I added to every single email (with a minimum of two exclamation points). Even if it was, in fact, a worry if not. 

Of course, I know I'm not alone in this. Many others are victims of the 'Sorry to bother you' curse in the workplace. Unsurprisingly, most have been women.

Watch: Are you a people pleaser? Mamamia Out Loud. Post continues below.

It's no secret that women have more people-pleasing tendencies than men. For one, we are "taught to be more passive, less aggressive," as per Psychology Today.

"A people-pleasing woman will not likely be labelled high-maintenance or 'difficult'. She would rather bend over backward than appear fussy," the website states.

Additionally, according to Ararat Wellness, a counselling service, Australian workforce research reveals female employees spend approximately 37 per cent more time mediating interpersonal conflicts than men.

"The 'nice girl' socialisation paradigm equates femininity with selfless nurturing while punishing boundary-setting as socially deviant," they wrote.

"This explains why approximately 68 per cent of people seeking therapy for people-pleasing behaviours identify as female."

For a long time, I didn't really think there was anything wrong with people-pleasing, per se. Did it really matter if I was using low modality language in emails? I'm just not an assertive person, big whoop.

That was until I heard lawyer and communication expert Jefferson Fisher on Mamamia's BIZ podcast.

Fisher, who has amassed six million followers on Instagram, joined BIZ hosts Soph Hirst and Michelle Battersby to share his approach to workplace communication.

Spoiler alert! It doesn't involve people pleasing.

"I want you to flip this idea of what confidence is and what assertiveness is," Fisher said on the podcast.

"A lot of people find that they wish they had more confidence to say something, but confidence is not something you get before the conversation; confidence is what you get after you say the assertive thing."

Listen to the full episode of BIZ below. Post continues afterwards.

The communication coach added that we "have to get over the idea of disappointing people".

Guilty.

"We have this feeling of people pleasing and that's very common because you want to be liked. I'm not saying you can't be liked. There's absolutely a healthy balance."

Fisher called out "over apologies" as an example of people pleasing.

Again, guilty.

"People have a tendency to get into those a lot where you say 'I'm sorry' every other sentence. 'Hey, so sorry, I just missed this', 'So sorry, I'm two minutes late', 'So sorry, I'm just now getting back to you', when really you're just apologising for having priorities that are more important in that time than them."

And it's not just apology statements that Fisher warns against.

"Little things like 'I hate to bother you'," he said.

(I'm two for two).

"You know what they're thinking the whole time you're saying it? 'God, this bothers me'. Or you say, 'Now, I could be wrong about this', or 'This might be a dumb question', and all they're thinking is 'This is such a dumb question'."

These phrases, says Fisher, "undercut and undervalue" us and need to be transformed into something else entirely.

"Turn them into gratitude like 'Thank you for the time to think on this' or 'Thank you for your patience'," Fisher suggested.

"Whenever you say that to [your colleagues], you're giving them the quality of patience. You're giving them that gratitude. They're going to think, 'You know what, you are so welcome. I am so patient. You're so right. Yes I am.'"

He suggests replacing a 'people-pleasing' phrase with, what he calls, an 'assertiveness adds' phrase.

"For example, instead of 'Hey, I hate to bother you', add something to what you've said, 'I'm thinking of something and I think it's going to add a benefit to what we're talking about here'," he explained.

"Whenever you use words of addition, that says I'm interested in asserting forward progress. It's not taking away, it's adding onto. And then everybody goes, 'Yes, I'm listening now'. So you find ways to use your assertive voice, and once you say it, you're going to feel the confidence afterwards, and that, in turn, is going to give you more confidence to say more assertive things."

As a serial people pleaser for many years now, it hasn't been easy to unlearn my acquiescence.

But, slowly, 'assertiveness adds' phrases have worked their way into my corporate lexicon.

Now, instead of downplaying myself, I make a habit of backing what I'm saying (even if it's scary).

I have officially retired the phrase 'Sorry to bother you', and I no longer tack on a 'No worries if not', at the end of every request.

Though, I'll admit, I do remain partial to an exclamation point (or seven). 

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