There are six kinds of people betting on The Cup today.

None of them have any idea what they’re doing.

Apparently, today you have no choice – you are a gambler. From the office sweep, to the one-yearly trip to the bookie, peer pressure will collude to separate you from your cash today. But the question is, How do you choose?

Melbourne Cup reveals people’s true colours.

From extensive observation over years of stolen 10-minute Melbourne Cup office parties, we have noted six distinct personalities that usually come out when backing a horse for a win.

Importantly, the type of picker you are can usually dictate your success, so choose wisely.

1. The ‘Oh, it’s so pretty!’ person.

Their typical phrase: “Oh the jockey for that Snow Sky horse is wearing blue and pink and white and he looks so cute I love those colours!”

Why you love them: Their love of shiny things is often endearing.

Will they win?: Usually, yes. Despite knowing nothing about anything.

2. The ‘That name has a special significance to me that you wouldn’t understand’ person.

Their typical phrase: “I’m backing Bondi Beach because I went there once three years ago and saw a cloud that looked exactly like a horse drinking water and I really think that’s symbolic of something you know?”

Why you love them: Their imagination is entertaining. As is their self-absorption.

Will they win?: No. No, they will not.

3. The ‘Knows everything about every horse’ person.

Their typical phrase: “Red Cadeaux is definitely looking great but Ed Dunlop has given a lot to Trip To Paris so it really is a close call between them.”

Why you love them: This is the perfect person to hang around if you’re actually looking to win as they’ll impart all of their horse wisdom onto you.

Will they win?: They’ll place second or third to the ‘Oh, it’s so pretty!’ person.

4. The ‘I’m not superstitious, but…’ person.

Their typical phrase: “If you times my birth date by three then take away six then add half of it again it equals 19. The world is telling me to pick Prince of Penzance”

Why you love them: Their superstition is often infectious and you’ll find yourself joining in for a bit.

Will they win?: No, but they’ll be OK with it. Because if you work out where their horse placed then add their birth date back to it then divide by three you realise that it means their going to come into money in the next 6-12 months anyway.

5. The ‘I don’t even care choose for me’ person.

Their typical phrase: “Oh is it Cup Day?”

Why you love them: You wish you were so zen.

Will they win?: Probably. And then they’ll keep bringing it up for weeks.

6. The ‘Scientist’.

Their typical phrase: “Statistically speaking the horse that matches the profile of previous winners in terms of barrier, colour, sex, age, weight, odds, words in a name and initials is Preferment.”

Why you love them: They’ve done all the hard work for you.

Will they win?: Yes. It’s SCIENCE people.

Bonus: The ‘no really, I don’t care, just show me the dresses’ person.

We get it. Here are some of the best dressed women at Derby Day: