ASK HOLLY: 'My son has no plans for after school. How can I help him?'

Thanks to our brand partner, Bob Jane T-Marts

Dear Holly,

My son is heading into Year 12 next year. He's a good kid, hasn't been in trouble and is doing okay at school.

He's not going to be dux or anything and he's always struggled with confidence, but he's definitely smart enough to do alright in the HSC. The thing that worries me is that he has no plan at all about what he might like to do afterwards. Or any interest in making a plan. 

Some of his friends have very clear ideas about what they want to do after Year 12 — what uni they want to get into, what jobs they imagine they might want, whether they want to travel. Meanwhile, my son's just like, "Stop nagging me, Mum," any time I try to talk to him about it.

I'm a planner and it makes me stressed. I tell him you need to have a roadmap for where you want to go or you'll just drive around getting lost. Funnily enough, he doesn't seem to care.

What should I do? Do I back off and risk him just drifting or do I force him to make some kind of plan?

Suzie, Nagging Mama.

***

Ah, Suzie. "Drive around getting lost?" Sounds like you've been watching the videos I've been making this year with my kids for Bob Jane T-Marts, where I trap them in the car with me and impart life lessons. I assume you've tried that with your boy? Of course you have.

In all seriousness, I can sense the anxiety in your words and I understand. Our kids are growing up and for their entire lives, our job has been to keep them safe and teach them stuff — steer them in the right direction, if we're really leaning into the car puns.

The pressure on us and them to see exactly where and how all the work "pays off" can feel like it builds to a crescendo at the end of school, when one era ends and another begins. And what have all those years been for if our kids don't follow our guidance then, too?

The thing is, though, Suzie, I'd bet that your kid knows how much you worry about what path he's going to take, and I also bet he thinks about that plenty.

But our kids aren't us (I know, it's one of my most shocking and often-learned lessons), and they don't always react the way we want them to or imagine they will — or the way we would — when it comes to life's big moments.

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Perhaps your boy is thinking that next year is going to be big enough, with these supposedly life-determining exams hovering over him and all his peers confidently striking out in their different directions.

Maybe he's worried about telling you what he's hoping for or dreaming about because, once those words are out in the world, they become a benchmark he can be held to that he's not sure he's going to meet.

Maybe there's something calling to him that he doesn't think you'd approve of. Or maybe he's truly unsure of what he wants his next steps to be and he just needs time to understand what his choices are.

Anyway, all those "maybes" might be a bit airy-fairy for a planner like you, but there's a point, for all of us, where we have to trust, perhaps, that our parenting is paying off, even if we can't control the method or the outcome. That our babies are their own people, going at their own pace.

I'd suggest just two things, both of which I've tried to pass on to my kids during those car trips they love so much.

The first thing is to encourage your son to think about what he enjoys doing that makes him feel most like himself, and consider what kind of paid work or career might exist around that.

For me, being around and working with words has always felt like a natural place for me (not one my kids necessarily share, by the way) and my career has always been reading, writing, talking-adjacent.

The second thing is the importance of having a back-up plan. I know some think that a fall-back option from a big dream is a cop-out. That it gives you a safety net you might too easily fall back on when things get tricky chasing your "dream". But I don't think that's true.

We all need to make a living, and it's not always the right choice to put all your eggs — and a whole lot of pressure — on one outcome. Not only can that be a risky strategy, but it can kill the passion you have for the thing you love to do the most. Sometimes your "calling" isn't your job.

Anyway, Suzie, I know you'll have already thought of those things and probably sat in the driver's seat encouraging your son to pay attention to the sat nav directions while you've talked to him about it. And I'm sure he was listening, even if he isn't letting on that he was.

Be there for him, support him through this next year and trust that your boy is doing his own plotting and planning at his own pace.

That, or just shout "back-up plan" every time you pass his bedroom door. Kids love it when you're subtle like that. Good luck.

Bob Jane T-Marts, they'll look after you. Sign up for a free SMS reminder to check your tyre pressure and tread on the first Tuesday of every month, for Tyre Check Tuesday.

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