'I'm a couples therapist. This is exactly what long-term couples should be doing to have more sex.'

As a couples therapist, I know all too well that a couple's sex life is very telling. It doesn't just tell me about their physical connection — it offers deep insights into their emotional bond, communication patterns, and overall relationship health.

Yet sex remains a taboo topic for many couples, even within long-term relationships and marriage.

Partners often struggle to discuss their needs openly, leaving important conversations unspoken.

So let's get it out in the open: is there an ideal frequency of sex that couples should be having, and how does this connect to relationship satisfaction?

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Sexual frequency.

Australian sexual health research suggests the average frequency of sex in relationships is less than twice a week. This number varies and can even drop to once per month or less.

These figures should be interpreted with caution. It's important to challenge any shame-based narratives around sex, such as: if we're not having sex, there's something wrong with us; or that happy couples have deeply satisfying sex all the time. These narratives are simply untrue and a couple's sex life is more complex than that.

There are individual differences in sexual desire, and desire varies depending on many factors, including relationship satisfaction and life stress.

It's also true that most of us want to be having more sex but struggle to make this a reality. A lower than desired sexual frequency is linked to a range of factors: stress, conflict, libido.

And whilst a couple's sex life is only part of their connection, good sex has potential to deepen a couple's bond.

Sexual pleasure deepens the relationship.

Most individuals receive pleasure from sex. Research suggests that sexual pleasure positively impacts the couple's emotional connection. Sex has potential to be the most intimate and vulnerable act of our lives.

It is a place where we are free to be ourselves and to express our deepest desires, fantasies, and needs. It is deeply vulnerable to share our inner world with our mate. It is an act of trust to reveal hidden parts of ourselves.

Satisfying sex contributes to relationship happiness. It can reduce our stress, and positively impact our mental health and emotional wellbeing.

The wellbeing of the couple.

While I have shared a sexual frequency for couples, take this figure lightly. Your sexual frequency with your partner is impacted by a unique set of factors. Try not to compare to others. Instead, focus on you two.

What is the amount of sex that would feel satisfying to each of you? And more than the frequency of sex, what do you desire in sex?

How do you want to feel, and what do you want to experience with your partner? Be curious and open about sex, expanding your definition to beyond an end result (orgasm).

As a couple, you may be in a period where life is stressful, there are competing demands, and more sex isn't always possible. In saying that, if it matters to you both, do not leave this unaddressed.

The importance of sex can be easily minimised. Consider starting with more touch and affection, or prioritising quality time together.

Sex matters deeply to most. It can help us feel connected, emotionally seen, valued, prioritised, attractive, empowered, safe, and relaxed. Sex is how we bond and connect. Sex communicates our connection, our partnership, our marriage: Us above all else.

How to start having more sex.

If you're not having sex as much you'd like, start by acknowledging that and sharing it with your partner. Do this gently, kindly, and with accountability, expressing your part in your sexual disconnection. A couple's problem is solved by both.

Have you been stressed and avoided sex? Are you feeling hurt and have retreated? Have you stopped expressing your needs? How have you both contributed to dulling sexual desire in your relationship?

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Be sure to leave the rulebook (and shame) behind when it comes to sex. Know that your sexual satisfaction matters and is often a reflection of your emotional connection. (Physical health factors impact sex too, so be sure to rule these out).

Research by relationship expert John Gottman states that couples often wait six years too long to seek help, which is alarming.

Don't you owe it to yourselves to seek help sooner rather than later? Your sexual satisfaction matters.

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Phoebe Rogers, author of When Will It Happen For Me? A Shame-Free Guide to Finding Love On Your Own Timeline, is a highly sought-after Clinical Psychologist, couples therapist, course creator, and author who helps women overcome unhealthy relationship patterns to have a secure, loving relationship. For more information visit www.therelationshipspace.com.au