The real reason we're all stuck on our exes.

If you want to support independent women's media, become a Mamamia subscriber. Get an all-access pass to everything we make, including exclusive podcasts, articles, videos and our exercise app, MOVE.

Emma* wasn't planning on attending the house party. It had been a long week, and she knew she was due for a quiet night in. But when her socially anxious friend pleaded with her to join, Emma plopped herself in front of the mirror and started doing her makeup. 

When they arrived, Emma's friend stuck with her for a while before she began mingling, and was eventually lost in the throng. Knowing no one else, Emma was contemplating performing an Irish goodbye when an attractive man approached her.

"He smiled at me, and I literally remember blushing" Emma told Mamamia. "I hadn't blushed since high school, but he was just so hot."

The man introduced himself as Lucas* and asked who Emma knew at the party. When Emma said she only knew her friend, Lucas replied that he was also there with a friend who had been swept up by the crowd, and had resigned himself to being a wallflower for the rest of the night. That was until he saw "a pretty girl" across the room, and knew he had to talk to her.

If Emma's face could have turned any redder, she is sure it would have.

"He was very bold and confident, which I loved," Emma recalled. "At first I thought he was just being flirty with everyone, but we literally didn't stop chatting for the rest of the night, and it was so easy and fun."

When they said goodbye, Lucas had Emma's phone number in his notes app.

Watch: How to deal with trust issues. Post continues after video.

They spoke every day for weeks, their chemistry unrivalled. Eventually, they started dating. And Emma fell, hard. 

"I remember the way he'd look at me, and it made me feel like I was the only girl in the world," she told Mamamia. "I truly felt that no one understood me like he did, and I grew an intense love for him really quickly, which had never happened to me before."

But as Emma's intensity grew, she noticed a change in Lucas. While he would once respond to her messages with alacrity, he now took longer to text her back. And any time there was a hint of conflict, Lucas would shut down. 

"We handled things quite differently," said Emma. "He could be distant when I needed closeness, and I could be clingy when he needed space.

"He was inconsistent with his affection, which made me crave it more. But it just became so push and pull, which was so exhausting. I was always on edge and anxious, just waiting for him to pull away."

At every turn, Lucas countered Emma's anxious attachment with avoidance. And their issues snowballed. 

According to clinical psychologist Dr Clare Rosoman, our attachment style refers to "how we react to manage our emotions when those who are important to us are unavailable, frightening, confusing, or don't seem to be in reach or to care about us."

"When this happens, it sets off our attachment 'sirens and alarms'," said Rosomon, the Director of the Brisbane Centre for Attachment and Relationships. "And, as humans, we all basically do our version of one of two things; we either reflexively dive into battle to fight for our needs or we retreat and duck for cover, and sometimes we try them both.

"If you dive into battle, you will turn up the heat of your emotional signals to get your attachment figure's attention. We call this an anxious attachment style. If you tend to retreat or duck for cover, you might find yourself shutting down or avoiding contact, preferring to cope alone. We call this an avoidant attachment style."

In Emma's case, the more Lucas distanced himself, the more she tried desperately to cling on. This went on for a year until "the whole thing kind of collapsed under that weight."

"It was a heartbreak I'd never experienced, and don't think I ever will again," said Emma of their breakup. "I didn't even believe in soulmates, but I felt like I'd lost something that I just would never find again."

Once she felt less numb, Emma developed a habit of anxiously checking Lucas' social media, to see what he was posting, what he was liking, who he was following.

Listen: The very specific dating experience women keep having. Post continues below.

"It was like a compulsion," she said. "I never felt better after I did it, but I couldn't stop."

This experience isn't exclusive to Emma, according to Dr Rosoman.

"Part of letting go after a relationship loss is redefining the ex-partner in your mind as no longer the one you turn to for support, as no longer to one you take your joys, your losses, your worries to," she said.

"Being able to search for and see your ex-partner on social media can slow or restrict this process through easy access."

The psychologist added that this is "further complicated" by the curated profiles people can share online.

"If we can easily find our ex, and we see them having the time of their lives, this can make it hard to emotionally let go."

For Emma, she found herself looking for clues that Lucas was as heartbroken as she was, but she always came up short.

"People can become stuck in tracking their ex and wishing for reconnection or in feeling a sense of injustice that this person seems to have moved on totally unscathed by the seismic shift that often comes with the loss of a loving relationship," said Dr Rosoman. 

When she wasn't searching for his profile, Emma was ferociously consuming online content about breakups. Videos about anxious attachment styles, about limerence (an obsessive infatuation with another person), of Tarot readers assuring her that "he was coming back to her", of girls sharing how they got over their exes, of girls saying they never got over their exes.

And the more she engaged with the posts, the more the algorithm fed her breakup content. It was a beast she couldn't escape.

"I was just thinking about him all the time, about whether we would get back together, about whether he had already moved on, about how I could move on and get over my anxious attachment," Emma said.

This is the reason so many of us struggle to move on from our exes. They live in an algorithm that is impossible to escape. And, according to Dr Rosoman, those with anxious attachment styles are most "at risk of becoming stuck in the letting go process."

"After a break-up, people with anxious attachment strategies are more likely to become preoccupied with thoughts about their ex-partner, to feel intense waves of emotion about the loss, and to continue to seek out their ex for reassurance, for contact, or for understanding," she explained.

This, said the psychologist, can keep them "stuck" and unable to let go, "because they might hold unrealistic hope of reconnecting with their ex, or they might 'fester' on feelings of injustice or hurt, sacrificing precious emotional energy that could otherwise be put to use healing".

She added that when we're "overwhelmed by emotions and pain," we can find it "difficult to grieve adaptively."

Emma tried to work on herself and move on with life, but it wasn't easy.

"I did a lot of reflecting about the relationship because I just never wanted to experience that pain again," Emma said.

According to Dr Rosoman, "learning about attachment and bonding really helps our understanding of human relationships, but self-analysis can get in the way of human connection at times."

"Heartbreak can be a catalyst for a new path. It teaches us powerful lessons, but these come from reflecting on yourself, your role in the disconnection, what you want from your relationships, what you can bring to your relationships, what you needed and didn't receive, how you could be clearer about your needs and limits in future, how you can grow as a person," Dr Rosoman explained.

When Emma eventually tried dating again, it only made things worse.

"I would compare every date to Lucas, which meant I never really gave anyone a chance, and I do acknowledge that. He was just always in the back of my mind, and it felt pointless to even try to replicate what I had with him. It just felt so once-in-a-lifetime. And then I kept seeing posts online about people getting back with their exes and holding out hope it would happen for me," she said.

But, even with social media and self-analysis making it harder than ever to get over heartbreak, Dr Rosoman insists that moving on is possible.

"Adaptive grief is all about acknowledging the pain and the enormity of the loss in attachment terms, and working through the pain in such a way that you can learn and grow from it," said the psychologist.

"Firstly, acknowledge the loss by validating that it hurts because it matters – the pain honours the love you brought to this relationship. After all, if you didn't love deeply, you wouldn't feel pain at its loss. This is a valuable quality that will help you to love again."

She added that it's important to trust that the pain will recede with time, and that the experience will help you grow stronger.

"Secondly, it helps to understand yourself as an attachment being. We learn powerful lessons about love and connection and our self-worth in our closest attachment bonds, from infancy to adulthood," Dr Rosoman continued.

"Pay attention to the lessons you learned in your closest relationships and how these lessons might have shaped how you "show up" in your loving relationships now. This is the best way to be kind to yourself whilst also being able to honestly look at what you might have contributed to the relationship disconnection.

This, she added, can help "shape the security you want in your next relationship."

"Thirdly, healthy grief is a blanching act between feeling the pain and getting on with life without your partner. You need to feel your feelings enough to process, reflect and to learn the lessons you need to learn from this loss, as well as making the practical adjustments you need to make to live life without the other in it," she said.

With time and therapy, Emma's social media algorithm has finally loosened its reigns, and her desire to check her ex's social media has faded significantly. She still thinks about Lucas, and isn't sure if that will ever go away. But she is in a much better place.

"I know I have rose-coloured glasses about him. Or, at least, I hope I do, it makes it easier," Emma said.

"I'm more open to love now, but there was a time I really didn't think I'd get out of the hole. I'm glad I'm through the hardest part, and I hope that when I'm 70 and married that I'm not thinking about him, because I think that would just break my heart all over again."

*Names have been changed for privacy reasons.

Feature Image: Getty (Stock image for illustrative purposes only).