The 7 psychology-backed questions that expose a manipulator.

Manipulation is something I can guarantee every single one of us has fallen victim to in our lifetimes.

We've all experienced that unsettling feeling, where we've walked away from a conversation feeling discombobulated and disconcerted. Maybe you revealed a little too much, or, agreed to something you weren't comfortable with, or, were just left feeling inexplicably guilty for no good reason.

I myself have experienced all three more times than I care to count (a story for another day) and it's not a pretty feeling.

Manipulation can be hard to put a finger on, but it usually results in a nagging feeling that something wasn't quite right.

Listen: The seven signs you're living with a narcissist. Post continues below.

According to psychologist Kerstin Anderson-Ridge, this confusion is often the hallmark of manipulation.

"With manipulators, the way that they like to control, it doesn't appear to be controlling, but it is controlling" she told Mamamia.

"Manipulators really depend on you feeling guilty and rushing to repair what's theirs."

The good news?

There's an easy way to arm yourself against this behaviour.

A few weeks ago, I came across a fascinating Substack, which outlined some powerful questions designed to cut through manipulation. It's been living in my head rent-free since I read it, so I decided to do some digging to explore the merits and science behind it.

When combined with Anderson-Ridge's psychological insights, these questions become powerful tools.

It all starts with getting specific.

The power of specificity.

Question 1: "Can you give me a specific example?"

This is perhaps the most powerful question in your arsenal. Manipulators thrive on broad, sweeping statements like "you always do this" or "you never listen." But when forced to provide concrete examples, they often can't, because their accusations are based on emotion and control rather than fact.

"Manipulators will survive on vagueness, so when you ask or request one example, they lose that ability then to try to distort what you're saying," Anderson-Ridge explained.

"What happens with someone that's trying to manipulate is, they don't like it when they have to take accountability for anything.

"They are quite happy to keep it broad, and then when you ask for something specific, they can't answer, they react, they start to blame, they start to shame, they do all those things."

Watch: The origins of narcissistic behaviour. Post continues after video.

Question 2: "What do you want me to do differently?"

This question forces accountability and clarity.

"It's really difficult to criticise endlessly, but then not be able to name something specific," Anderson-Ridge explained.

If someone can complain but can't articulate what they actually want changed, it's a red flag that they're more interested in making you feel bad than solving any real problem.

Questioning responsibility and consequences.

Question 3: "Why is this my responsibility to fix?"

This cuts straight to the heart of manipulative tactics, because it shows you're impervious to guilt and won't rush to fix an issue.

"What they don't want to do, they don't want to take on responsibility," Anderson-Ridge explained.

Healthy relationships involve shared responsibility and mutual problem-solving. If someone consistently makes their problems your responsibility to fix, that's manipulation.

Question 4: "What happens if I say no?"

This question is particularly revealing, because it tests the water of you saying no; a word that strips manipulators of their power completely.

The response to this question tells you everything you need to know about someone's intentions.

Healthy people might be disappointed, but will respect your decision. Manipulators will often resort to guilt trips, threats, or emotional punishment.

Seeking clarity and intent.

Question 5: "Why are you telling me this?"

Sometimes, people share information or complaints without any clear purpose other than to make you feel uncomfortable or responsible. This question forces them to examine their motives and can reveal whether they're genuinely seeking connection or trying to control.

Question 6: "Can you explain what you mean by that?"

Questions six and seven work around the same principle, and they're powerful tools in disarming manipulation.

Question 7: "Would you mind repeating that?"

Questions six and seven are effective because "it stops people in their tracks," according to Anderson-Ridge.

"When they have to say it in front of other people, it kind of stops them," she explained.

"What they're looking for is that dopamine hit, so they will kind of go, 'Oh, they haven't reacted.' So that puts them on the back foot."

The psychology behind the questions.

What makes these questions so effective? They all demand something concrete and solid of the potential manipulator.

"What you're seeing is you're watching a battle between clarity and control," Anderson-Ridge explained. "Honest people use conversation to connect, and manipulators use it to contain. When we take away ambiguity, we're taking away their power."

It's important to note that not everyone who struggles with these questions is an inherently bad person.

"Most people use aspects of this in everyday conversation," Anderson-Ridge pointed out.

The difference lies in the pattern and intent. Occasional vagueness is human, but consistent manipulation is a problem.

"It really does come down to their attachment, or what has happened in their childhood, I guess. So, if someone is an active avoider, for example, then this is going to really trigger them. So they will use manoeuvres."

Putting it into practice.

Using these questions requires courage, especially in the moment when you're feeling confused or pressured. They're not about being confrontational, but instead, they should serve to establish healthy boundaries to protect your own wellbeing.

The first step when using these questions the first step should be to pause, Anderson-Ridge said.

"Stop and take a breath. Because pausing actually puts people on the back foot to start with," she said, explaining that this will force calm and control into your response.

"It's pausing, and it's staying with the boundary. It's feeling the fear and doing it anyway. It's about them wanting to put you on the back foot, so it's knowing that, staying calm and staying with it and saying, 'no, I can't do that. What exactly do you want me to do differently?'"

As touched on above, the word "no" is perhaps the most revealing test of someone's true intentions.

Anderson-Ridge said a person's reaction to the simple two-letter word tells you everything you need to know about the person you're dealing with.

"A safe person will respect your boundary, a manipulator will really sulk, they'll punish," Anderson-Ridge notes. "They're exposed."

In healthy relationships, people should be able to answer these questions easily.

If they can't, that tells you everything you need to know.

Feature image: Canva. (Stock image for illustrative purposes).