Been through a divorce? Here's how to energetically cut ties with your ex.

If there’s one thing that comes out of all the relationship research, it’s that if you are not over your ex, your chances of finding love again are halved. 

Energetically cutting ties so you are not too positive or too negative about your ex and your previous relationship is vital.

Watch: There are common mindsets women have towards dating when coming out of a toxic relationship or divorce. Story continues after video.

I can speak from personal experience too, where I was once on the date from hell. It was not long enough after a breakup. All was going well until my date asked about my previous relationship. I just started crying and couldn’t stop, and he spent the date consoling me. Needless to say, a second date was not on the cards.

So, from my experience as a relationship coach, here’s how to exorcise your ex.

1. Get physical.

After a relationship or breakup, it’s so important to have an outlet for your emotional stress. Exercise decreases stress hormones like cortisol and, at the same time, increases your body’s “feel good” endorphins, which will give your mood an instant boost. By hitting a punching bag at the gym or grunting through your last set of weights, you’ll also release pent-up anger that could otherwise impact your health.

2. Scream in a safe place.

Get inside your car where no one can hear or see you, and then yell at your ex at the top of your lungs until you’ve said absolutely everything you need to say and have gotten it all off your chest. After you’re through, you’ll feel renewed. 

3. Write a letter to your ex.

Try writing a really honest letter to your ex without holding back - let loose and really give your ex a piece of your mind or clear the air and confess the mistakes that you made in the relationship. When you are done, put the letter away. Don’t send it. This letter is for you. 

Write a letter like this once a week or once a month and keep it in a special place that only you know about. Putting your feelings on paper will help to defuse your emotions, and over time, reviewing your letters will allow you to see the change in yourself - and how you are putting the past behind you. 

4. Reassign blame.

It’s time to take the sting, emotion and blame out of why the relationship ended. Instead of blaming your partner for the split (which leads to anger and frustration) or blaming yourself (which leads to sadness, insecurity, and self-doubt), blame the relationship itself.

Use “we” statements to reassign the blame. Here are a few examples: “We were really young...” “We just didn’t work out...” “We were so different...” “We wanted different things...” “We did the best we could...” 

5. Discard haunted objects.

Clean out your house, car, and office of all mementos and objects you associate with your former partner. Those painful memories could be very useful to someone else.

6. Snap yourself out of it.

Wear a rubber band around your wrist and snap it every time you think about your ex and feel your emotions taking over. It’s a small reminder, but an effective one, that you are in control.

Listen: On this episode of The Split, Mandy Nolan shares her story and talks to women about how they started their new life post-divorce. Story continues below.

7. A vow-clearing ritual.

Release yourself from your marital vows. Your marriage started by proclaiming vows to each other; now you can release yourself from those vows. The vows you made, because they were made deep in your heart, can actually continue to play out unconsciously, impacting the way you approach dating after divorce or any future relationships. So, it can be powerful to go through a vow-clearing ritual.

As well as releasing and neutralising your emotions about your previous relationship and ex, the relationship research points to three other things that can really speed up your healing. 

8. Find a sense of community.

Take in roommates, join a club or gym. Seek the company of good friends and family. Renewing your ties to the community not only provides you with a source of emotional support - it’s a great way to meet new people. 

9. Volunteer.

By volunteering, you become less concerned with your own problems; your own personal issues may suddenly appear very small compared to the challenges of those you are helping. Put the focus on others and what you can do for them. You’ll feel good about helping others, you’ll keep your mind from dwelling on your emotions, and you’ll keep your perspective in check. 

10. Make just one change to your daily routine.

Research shows that if you do one thing very differently in your life, like go for coffee in a different coffee shop, work less, or start a new hobby, you are actually more than twice as likely to meet someone good again.

“The new thing leads your mind to new things; you meet new people. You move on much more quickly. What’s your change? Choose one today.”

Certified relationship coach and founder of an offline dating agency HeartMatch. Anna Swoboda has been on more than 1000 dates herself before she found her love. She now uses her experience and world’s leading relationships science to help others find their match.

Feature Image: Mamamia.