What do you do and how much do you own?

I learned an important life lesson at a wedding reception recently.  It started innocently enough, with dinner chat about why we all loved living in Sydney. Everyone had an answer: “….There’s so many thing to do”, and, “Totally awesome beaches”, and, ”You get to see Pauline Hanson in her undewear….”

Then Clare, who was sitting at my table asked: “Do you know what I DON’T like about Sydney? This time, I piped up, “The unaffordability? The choking smog? The way you slowly lose your mind, snailing your way to work on any given motorway and getting charged like a wounded bull for the privilege?” She shook her head and continued, “…I don’t like the way people instantly judge you on what you do for a living, how big your house is and what kind of car you have, instead of who you are as a person.” The table instantly fell silent but the conversation immediately halted as someone’s hair caught fire from a candle on the table and so the matter was forgotten.

For some reason, Clare’s statement resonated with me. Are we really conditioned to think that the job we have, the house, the stuff we own, defines WHO we truly are? And is that how we see and judge others and define who THEY are? And if so, WHY do we do that? Is this really a Sydney issue, or something that is pervasive in the modern age around the world?

I was once told that it was incredibly impolite to ask a stranger what they did for a living. Especially many decades ago, during the times of high unemployment and the social perception of a clearly formed class system. Yet, today, “so what do you do?” is one of the first questions people ask when they get to know someone. Is this one of the first markers on how we judge our fellow man, or is it simply a way to make polite conversation because we can’t think of anything else to break the ice?

My friend Jack, thought it was nonsense, he didn’t believe people judged or defined each other on what they did for a living, or the size of their house or possessions. He thought it was something that we feared might be true, but it wasn’t.

Another friend, Kelly, who was a journalist and now a TV producer told me that people had changed their minds about who she was, depending on what job she had. When she worked as a journalist for her local newspaper,  people would say, “all you bloody journos are the same, can’t trust any of you”. Then, when she changed jobs, and started employment at ABC TV, suddenly there were nodding approvals and general warmth and respect – for working on, “good quality shows”.

Is marketing, media, or even movies, responsible for trying to convince us if that if we have a certain job, own a particular car, or clothes, that will make us happier? That we will be better people?

A guy I worked with turned up one day in a very ripped pair of jeans. Literally shredded to the point where I am sure he only was wearing one/eighth of the original item. He explained the girls in his life convinced him to buy the jeans because they were “in”. He also told me – without me asking – that those disintegrated jeans cost him… 300 bucks….. 300 BUCKS??!!

Who are the people who set these trends anyway? If Kim Kardashian donned a pink tutu, with matching flippers and snorkel to a red carpet event, and sold it as the latest high end style, would it catch on? Yes, I know, I know, that’s crazy talk. Just as crazy as suggesting a guy who wears his jeans below his butt so he can show off some designer underwear would catch on.

I don’t think it was until I spoke to my friend Helen, that I really had a lightbulb moment. She told me about a couple of friends of hers who were very into material goods and how their life “looked” to others. One who had mortgaged his eyeballs to the hilt, so he could show off his McMansion. And another, who was totally obsessed with buying expensive labels to make a “good impression”. This girl would barely eat so she could save enough money for fashion statements like a pair of Dolce and Gabbana boots or a Louis Vuitton handbag.

I asked Helen why she thought it was important for her friends to possess things that were obviously beyond their means. She simply said, “that’s more of a spiritual question. Is it about something deeper and soulful that is missing in their lives and they feel the need to buy material things to fill the gap? Is buying expensive stuff about trying to impress others or trying to feel like they belong?”

There is one thing I know for sure. I know, that the people closest to us, our family and friends, love us for who we are as individuals, not what job we have, not how big our house is, or what brands we buy. They love us for our kindness to others, or our sense of humour, or our compassion, or simply the personality quirks that make us who we are. That’s what life is truly about. And when it’s time to leave this planet, these are the things we’ll be remembered for.

Besides, if everyone did judge each other on a material level, this is what I imagine, my eulogy would look like.

“…..Let’s now take a look back at Tara’s life and remember her…..Tara was quite prolific in her TV career, although… most of us don’t class that as REAL work. (knowing laughter from congregation) One of Tara’s best qualities was her lovely Federation house with some pleasant views (warm agreeable nods)…only marred by the fact that she drove a Prius. (wincing and shaking of heads) I’m sad to say, even though Tara lived to a ripe old age, she never really lived a full and meaningful life. We can only take pity, knowing she never once possessed a sports car with personalised number plates, (tuts) or a pair of Jimmy Choo shoes, (tut-tuts)…..or even, yes, it hurts me to say it….an IPhone. (disbelieving gasps and murmurs) So as we say goodbye, we can only hope, God will rest her unstylish soul – in a rockin’ designer dress and some uncomfortably high slingbacks. Amen.”

Tara Smithson started in television in 1989, and over the last 20 years, she has worked on over 30 daytime and prime time shows as a Producer, Series Producer and Executive Producer.  Shows have included Midday with Kerri-Anne, Animal Hospital, Fresh Cooking With the Australian Women’s Weekly, and Dancing With The Stars New Zealand to name a few.

Do you think it’s important to know what people do ? Where they live? What they own?