"The 6 things I asked my husband to do when we did IVF."

When my husband and I did IVF three years ago, it was all about me.     

But not in that fun, treat-yourself-pamper-day type of way.

Not quite.

All the information; all the well meaning advice and all the tips online were all about what I – the partner hoping to carry the child – should do. 

Or... not do (there are a LOT of those).

Zara. Image: Supplied.

My husband’s role seemed to begin with a consent form, and then end after some special time in a small room with a cup.

At the time, I accepted it.

But after a year of fertility treatments and successfully falling pregnant with our beautiful daughter on our first round of IVF, I have a different perspective.

My husband was amazing, and definitely did things that made the IVF experience easier. But, the beauty of hindsight has me wishing we did a few things a little sooner. 

So, in the spirit of helping future couples, here are 6 things I'd recommend asking of your partner during your IVF process. 

1. Make it “we” not “she”.

Normally when couples slip into “we”-dom I’m the first to roll my eyes. 

'You are two independent people' I’ll groan. But not when it comes to IVF. To me, that's the exception.

In heterosexual couples, so often the language is about the female partner. “She can’t get pregnant," or, “she needs IVF”. 

However, according to the Cleveland Clinic, “For heterosexual couples, one third of causes of infertility are due to a male problem, one third are due to a female problems, and one third are due to combination or unknown reasons.” 

No matter your individual diagnosis, it’s a team effort. So, if you do make the decision to share your IVF status with others, ask your partner to use the right language – and correct anyone who makes assumptions. 

2. Become my personal chauffeur.

Early morning trips to the clinic for blood tests are a staple of IVF and fertility treatment. 

Your specialists will be closely tracking your hormones to see when it’s time to start treatment and how you are progressing. 

Despite the obvious needles, the clinic part is relatively pain-free, but once you’re going first thing in the morning most days of the week it does become tiresome for a period. Fast.

Personally I was frustrated that I’d miss my morning workout and get to work late while my husband continued life as normal. 

I don’t have a car, so factoring public transport was an added pain. 

Before our final (and ultimately successful) round, I asked if he could drive me each day on his way to work. It was in the complete opposite direction to his work, but it truly made a HUGE difference to my experience and stress level.

Image: Supplied.

3. Be the IVF accountant.

There’s no denying that IVF is a big financial investment. 

I’m very money conscious, so seeing the numbers at the time made me feel even more pressure to our treatment cycle to work.

I can say: it’s the best investment we’ve ever made. I do recommend having your partner or a loved one manage that part of the mental load during your IVF process though – we asked our clinic to send all invoices and emails to my partner, so it felt like one less thing clouding my head.

4. Make all the excuses for me.

Your partner should learn to heart the phrase, “you don’t need to apologise about that, it’s definitely the hormones”. 

Do I even need to explain that?

5. Don’t speculate on symptoms with me.

You’ll already be on the third page of your Google search of “4 day post transfer sore boobs”. What you don't need is another voice next to you speculating (or feeding into my own). 

From my experience, what helps is having someone to keep you in the real world; talking and thinking about other (non-stressful) things. 

6. Come to the transfer appointment with me.

There are two types of couples in my eyes: the ones who do every medical appointment together and the ones who go solo. 

We were in the second camp. So, it almost felt odd asking my husband to come in to keep me company for the embryo transfer on day 5. But I’m so glad I asked. 

It was such a special experience to have shared, especially given we weren’t present (let alone together) during our baby’s conception. 

We held hands during it, and he even took a photo of me with a picture of our embryo – who is now our 18-month-old daughter, Zara.

How it started. Image: Supplied.

Here's how it started, and how it's going!

How it's going. Image: Supplied.

I’m so thankful we had access to IVF to grow our family, and able to give our daughter, Grace, a sister. At the time it was intense but with the support of my specialist, the incredible nurses, my family and partner it was completely manageable. 

My advice to anyone considering IVF or Assisted Fertility treatments is to surround yourself with people you trust, share how you are feeling and ALWAYS ask for help. 

You don’t have to carry the mental load of this milestone experience alone.

Feature Image: Supplied.