I took three glorious weeks off between Christmas and New Year. During that time I followed Radiohead’s advice; no alarms and no surprises please. Sadly the Karma Police came knocking on Monday and everything changed in a heartbeat.
I’m back at work. What the hell am I doing here? Am I the only Paranoid Android out there? Are you experiencing similar signs that we’re not in Kansas anymore?
1. Password Amnesia
This is a rare condition contracted annually by 95% of employees. Despite 11 months of entering a secret code into their computer at 9am every Monday to Friday, the Password Amnesia sufferer shows no signs of immediate recall. Sweat beads and scalp scratching are common side effects, as the patient scrambles to form coherent combinations of past phone numbers, PINs and old addresses.
2. Foot Fetish
Holiday-makers-turned-workers commonly contract a foot fetish whereby their sand-loving, thong-thrusting hoofs must be directly in contact with terra firma 24/7. Squeezing one’s sole into office-appropriate footwear may sound like a simple task but it is, in fact, soul destroying.
3. Sayonara Siesta
Vacationers are nocturnal creatures, rarely rising before 10am. They are most active between the hours of 11pm and 2am. It is at this juncture that they discover the joys of late night television, which may or may not involve the purchase of an ab cruncher and a deep empathy for The Real Housewives of all American states.
These long hours of exertion leave the holiday-maker fatigued and listless by 3pm. This is easily remedied by adopting a horizontal position for a minimum duration of one hour. Failure to assume this position will result in exhaustion. Despite their best attempts, employees will be totally unproductive for the remainder of their shift. Please note: coffee and chocolate should not be used as siesta substitutes.