A comprehensive list of the only acceptable dinner table topics this holiday season.

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Holiday dinners are, at their very core, a psychological minefield. 

They're the time of year when multiple generations, competing worldviews and, at times, wildly incompatible personalities gather in one room, pretending to all be totally chill and cool white passing around a plate of ham and some cold prawns. 

And sure, on paper, it all sounds so incredibly wholesome.

Everyone is together! Great Aunt Cheryl is there (and also your cousin's weird boyfriend Steve)! There's food! There's love! There's (hopefully) lots of champagne! There's pudding with coins in it for reasons no one fully understands!

But, in reality, it can feel a little like an episode of Survivor — there are alliances, someone is always crying and the catering is hit or miss.

Watch: The Mamamia Out Loud hosts share their simplest rules for small talk. Post continues below.

Your sister-in-law with a climate and social justice degree is seated next to that uncle who still believes women shouldn't be allowed to drive. Your newly-divorced aunt is one glass of Prosecco away from trying to sell you her mutli-level marketing skincare products. Your teenage cousin, who hasn't spoken a word to the family since 2021, is lurking in the corner.

And then there's you — fragile and gorgeous but trying not to get cornered by Grandma into explaining what a 'situationship' is and coming up with reasons why you haven't given her a great-grandchild while trying to stuff your face with potato salad. 

So, in the interest of keeping you all SANE and SAFE this holiday season, I've prepared a list of neutral conversation starters that are so deeply uncontroversial they will turn any table into Switzerland. 

You're welcome. 

The "safe list" of acceptable dinner-table topics.

Rank your niche icks.

A crowd-pleaser because everyone has an ick, and honestly, none of them really matter. Tell your family that you find it weird when a man runs for the bus, or listen to your nephew explain why he hates when people have their phones at full brightness indoors. Grandpa might chime in with a surprise, "I hate when someone says 'yum yum'."

No one can fight about these because, fundamentally, they are all stupid, which makes them perfect. 

The household appliance Olympics.

On the count of three, rank your white goods. Who will reign supreme: the dishwasher, the air fryer, or the washing machine?

A surprisingly heated but also consequence-free debate, consider this conversation starter like politics without the trauma. 

The year of chaos recap.

Go around the table and get everyone to name the one moment from 2025 that truly broke their brains in the most idiotic way possible. 

Perhaps it was that Gwyneth Paltrow ski trial? Robert Irwin becoming Australia's unexpected sex symbol? The key here is to remember that this is a safe space to collectively relive the year's most unhinged moments. 

The dessert draft picks. 

It's a scientific fact that it is impossible to fight over dessert. Everyone must choose their top three desserts they'd bring to a deserted island. 

It's that simple. 

Unhinged hypotheticals. 

The best part is that these can be so far removed from reality that no-one could possibly be offended. Ask Uncle Jim which celebrity ghost he would choose to be haunted by for the rest of time. Cousin Samantha can share which animal she believes she would be able to beat in a fight. 

And grandma? You just know she's dying to tell you the name for her hypothetical podcast that launches tomorrow. 

There are no correct answers, and therefore, no hurt feelings. 

Petty crimes you'd commit if society allowed it. 

Obviously, we're not talking about anything that may tempt you to call the police on your brother-in-law. Think more along the lines of, "I want to be able to steal a handful of pine nuts every time I'm at the supermarket because they're too damn expensive."

Victimless, cathartic crimes.

The "do not under any circumstances talk about these topics" list.

Consider these the conversational landmines that are guaranteed to end in someone crying into their trifle and someone else frantically Googling a fact mid-argument in order to prove a point mid-argument. 

My relationship status. 

Unless you would like to watch me disassociate while staring at the ham, let's skip this one. For the sake of your sanity and mine. 

How much I paid this year for literally anything. 

Flights? Rent? That dress I bought online when I decided I was going to launch a whole new style personality but is still hanging in my wardrobe (with tags on)?

This topic is a crime scene and I plead the fifth. 

What my (or anyone at the table's) ex is doing.

Couldn't tell you and I don't want to. And I don't need a reminder from my cousin who "weirdly still follows him on Instagram for some reason, how strange haha" either. 

Anything that starts with "kids these days…"

No generation has ever enjoyed being spoken about like they're an invasive species. Also, the "kids" you're talking about are currently sitting at the table, silently scrolling TikTok — but they can definitely hear you. 

Politics.

Nothing says "holiday spirit" like a three-hour debate about tax brackets. Let's just not. 

Fertility, or when anyone at the table is planning to reproduce. 

Absolutely not. 

Who's hosting next year.

We're not even done with THIS one? Make it stop. 

On that note, may your holiday dinner be peaceful and your chit-chat so aggressively neutral that not a single person storms off from the table. 

And if all else fails?

Point at the store-bought pudding and say, "Wow, hasn't that gotten smaller since last year?" and watch every adult go into a 20-minute nostalgia spiral while you sit in the corner eating your second (or third, no judgement) serving in peace.

Feature image: 20th Century Studios.