In defence of holding a grudge.

It seems every year, we're bombarded with the same tired advice about finding closure. Letting go of the past. To move forward. Let bygones be bygones. Take the high road. Find peace within. And many more clichés about forgiveness.

But what if holding onto certain grievances is actually... good for us?

British writer Sophie Hannah is certainly an advocate. In her book How to Hold a Grudge, instead of purging all of our emotional baggage, Hannah suggests creating a "grudget" (that's a grudge budget) where we decide which grudges are valuable enough to keep around.

While holding onto grudges doesn't necessarily seem healthy, Hannah countered that "a grudge doesn't have to be vengeful, all-consuming and bitter".

In fact, thoughtfully maintained grudges can actually be a form of emotional intelligence; a way to "find power in bad memories" rather than pretending they never happened.

Watch: What type of friend are you? Post continues after video.

Grudges, but make them useful.

Rather than always thinking of grudges as an ugly emotion, it's time to reframe them.

"A grudge is a story about something that happened, that you want to remember because it still feels relevant," she said in her podcast.

Take her personal example: when friends made her sleep in a bed full of literal rubble. After that night, Hannah didn't cut them off completely or seethe with resentment. She simply remembered what happened and adjusted her behaviour accordingly. She never stayed at their house again.

"By remembering that story and holding that grudge, I was able to protect myself from future experiences along the same lines," she explained. That's not pettiness; that's self-preservation.

In other words, "we're essentially transforming our anger and our resentment, so therefore the grudge [turns] into a lesson," Sarah said.

Your 'grudget'.

Just like a financial budget helps you decide where to spend your money, a grudget helps you decide where to invest your emotional energy. Hannah suggested classifying and intensely analysing grudges to make sure they're worth keeping.

Is the colleague who constantly underestimates your abilities worth a permanent spot in your grudget? Absolutely. The person whose politics don't align with yours? Perhaps. The person who imposes on you? File that away for future reference.

Hannah argues that when "someone tells you that you're overreacting and should move on, you can push back."

Some things deserve to be remembered, especially when "it may be all the wiser not to simply forgive and forget."

The 'live relevance charge'.

The best grudges, according to Hannah, maintain what she calls a "live relevance charge". That is, they remain useful even when the initial sting has faded.

"Most of my grudges, unless they're very fresh and recent, don't have any negative feelings attached to them and a lot of them have positive feelings attached to them," Hannah explained.

It's not about nursing wounds forever; it's about keeping the lesson without the pain.

You still don't feel rage about past slights, but remembering them might influence how you approach similar situations in the future. That's your grudge working exactly as it should.

A grudge does not mean revenge.

Hannah is crystal clear on one thing: grudges should never lead to revenge.

"If your grudge harms somebody else, if your grudge harms you, let's say you have a grudge that you're absolutely eaten up with bitterness about, and 20 years pass and you get more bitter every day, then that obviously is not a good approach," she said.

She even states directly that "getting revenge is always bad and wrong." The grudge should protect you, not consume you.

The takeaway: keep the right grudges, ditch the guilt.

Contrary to popular wisdom, you don't have to forgive and forget everything that's happened to you. Sometimes, the wiser choice is to remember and protect yourself accordingly.

A well-maintained grudget isn't about holding onto anger, it's about honouring your experiences and using them to build a better life.

When you create your grudge story, Hannah suggests treating it almost like a creative project: "thinking, 'is this a helpful version of the story or would it be more accurate if I did that?'"

"The way that I think about anger is that there's impotent anger, which is like festering rage, but it's just sitting there," she said.

"You're just stewing over it. You're thinking about it. It's making your day unpleasant. Then there's active anger, which is motivating and it tells us that we need to be doing something or fixing a problem or moving on or whatever it might be."

So next time someone tells you to "just get over it," remember that your grudges might be serving you better than their advice.

After all, as Hannah would say, "grudges can be great", when they're the right ones.

What's in your grudget?

Feature Image: Walt Disney Pictures.