No.
There's a new bikini bottom trend and it makes the infamous 'clit hammock' look like a pair of goddamn board shorts.
A brand called Fashion Nova recently shared a photo of the 'Buckle In Bikini' on Instagram, showcasing a top with a buckle underneath (to hold in your organs? idk idk), and a pair of bottoms with buckles on the sides.
....
Only buckles.
Look.
I don't know when this started, and who decided it was okay, but bikini bottoms are trolling us and the collective flaps of women all over the world are protesting in unison.
What's particularly strange about Fashion Nova's bikini is this: none of the comments are making jokes about it.
All the comments are... serious.
"I’ve looked everywhere still can’t find this on the site, is it still available?" wrote one woman, and madam I take issue with your question.
"Body goals," wrote several others, while a number of comments simply included fire emojis.
One woman tagged a friend, and wrote "you would look amazing in this," and excuse me stranger but that person is not your friend.
Then, the most bizarre: "What type of back is it because I might want to get it for my mum."
... Sorry?
Of course, the bikini is flattering on the model, given that she has the body of a Kardashian-Jenner that belongs to approximately 0.0005 per cent of the population.
Which is fine.
But it's worth acknowledging that for most of us, this style of bikini would explicitly display labia and that's not entirely appropriate when going for a leisurely swim.
Going to Fashion Nova's website, I made another awkward discovery:
It's sold out.
HOW CAN IT BE SOLD OUT IF IT IGNORES THE FUNDAMENTAL REALITY OF THE FEMALE GENITAL AREA.
Feeling like perhaps I've just lost touch of 'the fashion these days,' I asked a few women what they thought of this... contraption.
Ahem:
"It looks like a seatbelt but there's no car."
"A very literal bum bag."
"It looks like a permanent state of sling shot."
"Is anyone else worried her flaps are going to fall out tho?"
"It looks like she got stuck in one of those child swings as a young child and she's just grown into it."
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Pisces season ♓️???????? wearing @fashionnova
A post shared by Meg Kylie (@megkylie) on
"Bungee jumping harness but make it sexy."
"It's like the seatbelts the airhostess has to use when there's turbulence."
"It looks like it should have floaties on the back."
I'm done.
You can see exactly what happened when I tried Beginning Boutique's bikini bottoms here:
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