The new dating advice that's turning women against each other.

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After a particularly brutal few months of dating, the men I was meeting seemed... disappointed. Not in me specifically (well, maybe a little), but in my general approach to dating.

I'd suggest grabbing a drink— they'd seem deflated. I'd offer to pay or split the bill— they'd look confused. I'd tell them that I was walking home — they'd act like I'd personally insulted their mother.

Watch: Dating horoscopes. Post continues below.

I thought the hardest part about dating in 2025 was the usual: finding someone who won't ghost you mid-conversation, lie about their relationship status, or say "I actually think cancel culture's gone too far" over spicy margaritas.

But recently, I've realised I'm up against something else.

Not just bad behaviour or bad luck, but a whole new archetype of woman dominating TikTok and, apparently, the dating pool. She's confident, curated, boundary-heavy, and absolutely not going on a coffee date.

Her name? The High-Value Woman. And she's being served to us as the ultimate antidote to bad dating.

According to TikTok's dating gurus, the High Value Woman (HVW) is basically the anti-me. She's the woman who "knows her worth" and demands to be treated accordingly. Translation: she expects dinner dates, flowers, Uber Blacks and wouldn't be caught dead suggesting splitting the bill.

She's not a new concept, but she's definitely having a moment. And as a single woman whose social media algorithm reads her better than her therapist, the HVW is now everywhere.

Take 21-year-old TikToker Ariana Castell, who breaks women down into two categories. There are the "low-value women" who don't take care of themselves, dress provocatively, let everyone touch them, and don't have boundaries (guilty lol). Then there's the HVW: "The woman who takes care of herself, dresses well, cares about her career, loves herself unconditionally and thinks she deserves the world."

@earthangelariana

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♬ original sound - mari

Castell's take has definitely resonated with other women. The top comments on her video include "THIS. I stopped going out, stopped drinking, stopped being promiscuous. Started reading, going to the gym 4x a week, meal prepping. I can already feel the shift 😇."

And "Girl I was about to walk out the house with my hair tied down but then I saw this video… did my hair put on a cute outfit with some heels just 2 go 2 da store 👑."

The HVW movement started with a self-reflection attitude. The classic "learn to love yourself before you love someone else" that's been passed on by single women throughout generations. The difference is, the messaging got lost somewhere between millennials and gen Z and has now manifested into "learn to change your values and how you see yourself so that men will like you more."

Too harsh? I don't think so.

I hate to admit this, but there's something genuinely appealing about the HVW approach.

I went on a date with a guy about a year ago, and I remember so specifically starting to get myself ready at 3.30pm for a 7pm date. The shower, the shaving, the skincare, the blowdry, the choosing of the outfit, the makeup, the deciding that the outfit wasn't right and changing again, the different lipstick to match the new outfit, the double-checking the bar capacity to make sure we'd definitely get a table.

I got to the date and told him all of this.

He said that he started getting ready at 6 and by "getting ready" he changed his shirt and brushed his teeth.

The HVW makes a fair point about dating being an unequal playing field. Women do spend more time, money, and effort getting ready for dates. We navigate genuine safety concerns. We deal with the emotional labour of managing men's feelings while protecting our own. So why shouldn't we expect some investment in return?

I'll be honest… I started implementing some HVW strategies into my own dating life. I'd suggest dinner instead of drinks and let men plan and pay for first dates.

My dating experience improved. Drastically.

Men did seem more invested, put more effort in, and treated me with more respect. It felt like I'd unlocked some secret dating cheat code.

But… I was uncomfortable.

The problem isn't women wanting to be treated well, it's what the HVW movement actually represents. Strip away the "girlboss" language and fake empowerment speak, and you'll find something much more sinister: a rebranded pathway to traditional gender roles.

The HVW isn't trying to level the playing field; she's trying to win the game by playing into regressive stereotypes. Her end goal isn't equality, it's to be "taken care of." She wants what "SprinkleSprinkle" TikToker SheraSeven calls "the soft life" where she can depend on a man financially.

@thesoftlifesecrets

Sprinkle Sprinkle ✨ #shera #sheraseven #sprinklesprinkle #feminineenergy #innerwork #datingtips #datingadviceforwomen #providermen #polarity #masculineenergy #confidence #pedestalwife #thirdwife energy #marriage #husbandwife #5050 #5050relationship #5050dating #selflove #marriage #hypergamy #hypergamylove #lifecoaching #relationshipcoach #westernwomen #easternwomen #highstandards #menwithmoney #sprinklesprinklelady #levelup

♬ Vegas (Originally Performed by Doja Cat) [Instrumental Version] - Hit The Button Karaoke

This is tradwife ideology, and it's been embraced by the manosphere and red pill community. Men like Andrew Tate champion the HVW because she's not actually challenging patriarchal structures, she's just demanding a better position within them.

The issue is that the HVW that women are aspiring to be isn't the same as the HVW that problematic men actually want. Women are sold on this idea of being a "prize" who deserves the world. But the men attracted to this dynamic just want a woman who's beautiful, disciplined, loyal, and ultimately submissive. They want someone who will elevate their status while requiring their financial dependence.

It's a bait-and-switch that leaves women vulnerable to controlling relationships disguised as chivalrous ones.

What bothers me most about the HVW movement is how it positions other women as the enemy. The constant categorising of women as "high value" versus "low value" based on their dating choices is just internalised misogyny with a beauty filter.

A woman who pays the bill isn't "low value" — she's financially independent. A woman who suggests a casual first date isn't "settling for less" — she's being practical. A woman who doesn't demand flowers and expensive dinners isn't "lacking boundaries" — she just has different priorities.

I thought single women had escaped the tradwife era, that we'd collectively agreed that our worth wasn't tied to how much a man was willing to spend on us. But the HVW was lurking in the shadows the whole time, dressed up in empowerment language and TikTok-friendly soundbites.

I want to be clear: there's nothing wrong with wanting to be treated well, expecting effort from potential partners, or having high standards. The issue is when those standards are built on a foundation of traditional gender roles and female competition.

We can advocate for being valued without devaluing other women. We can expect respect without expecting to be financially dependent. We can want effort without wanting to return to the 1950s.

A real high-value move isn't demanding to be treated like a prize; it's knowing you're not a prize to be won, but a person to be partnered with.

If you want more from Emily Vernem, you can follow her on Instagram @emilyvernem.

Feature image: Canva.