The subtle sign you're in the wrong relationship that most people ignore.

Breakups are brutal. Not just because you lose the person but because you lose the version of yourself you were with them.

The daily texts. The private jokes. The imagined future. The sense of "we" that suddenly becomes "me."

But breakups can also be sacred. They're more than endings, they're initiations. A rite of passage. A painful, powerful invitation to come back home to yourself.

Listen: The full episode is right here on Mamamia's podcast But Are You Happy? Hear the unfiltered chat on why we repeat toxic patterns and how to break them. Post continues below.

Over the past ten years, I've coached and mentored a lot of women through heartbreak. I've also lived it. I know the ache of holding onto potential. The ache of abandoning your own needs in the hope they'll finally see you. I know the shame of noticing the red flags and staying anyway.

What I've learned is this: most of us aren't just grieving the person.

We're grieving who we thought we'd become with them.

Why we stay in the wrong relationships.

When we love someone, we often fall for their potential.

We see who they could be, not who they consistently are. If you're empathetic, loyal, or used to over-functioning in relationships, it's easy to justify bad behaviour in the name of love.

We mistake chaos for chemistry. We downplay our needs to keep the peace. We confuse emotional unavailability with mystery.

Underneath it all, we tell ourselves a story: "If I just love them a little harder… they'll finally choose me the way I've chosen them."

But here's the truth: You cannot build a future with someone who won't meet you in the present.

Breakups are a rite of passage.

Breakups are not just emotional, they are transformational.

They strip away the illusions and force you to see clearly: the patterns you've played out, the boundaries you've blurred, the parts of yourself you've dimmed.

But to truly evolve from a breakup, you have to do more than just move on, you have to move through.

That's where the five stages of grief by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. A Swiss-American psychiatrist comes in:

Denial: You tell yourself it wasn't that bad. Maybe it can still work. You scroll through old photos, replay conversations, convince yourself they might come back.

Anger: You're furious at them for what they did… but also at yourself. For staying. For not speaking up. For losing parts of yourself in the process.

Bargaining: You try to mentally rework the story. "If I'd just said this... If I'd done that... Maybe we'd still be together." You cling to the what-ifs and you trap yourself in guilt.

Depression: The weight of it all sets in. It's heavy. Lonely. Your nervous system crashes after being in survival mode. You wonder if you'll ever feel whole again.

Acceptance: Slowly, you begin to see the truth. Not with rose-coloured glasses, but with clarity. You realise this ending isn't punishment, it's protection.

These stages don't unfold in a neat, linear order. Healing is messy. It spirals. You might feel fine one day and be back in grief the next. That doesn't mean you're doing it wrong, it means you're doing it fully.

Watch: More on Mamamia's podcast But Are You Happy?: Missy Higgins shares how she's healing after her breakup and what separation has taught her. Post continues below.

Rushing into the next relationship won't heal you.

We live in a culture that encourages numbing over noticing.

Swipe right. Hook up. Stay busy. Post your hot-girl-healing era.

But here's the thing, if you don't create space to process the pain, the pattern will repeat.

Your next relationship will just be a continuation of the last one, different body, same wound.

So instead of rushing forward, pause. Breathe.

Ask yourself:

• What did this relationship tell me about my needs?

• What patterns am I now aware of in myself?

• What will I no longer tolerate?

• What do I actually want and who do I need to become to attract that kind of love?

This is what real self-love looks like: not just affirmations and baths, but radical self-responsibility.

Your ability to respond to what has happened, not with blame or shame, but with awareness and choice.

Who you're becoming.

After the tears, the journalling, the deep conversations, and the nights you cry on the floor — you start to feel different.

Stronger. Clearer. More honest with yourself.

You stop ignoring red flags.

You start speaking your truth.

You begin to trust your body when it says, this feels off.

Eventually, when the time is right, someone will come along — not to complete you, but to complement the wholeness you've reclaimed.

They won't feel like a project.

They'll feel like a partner.

Most importantly, they won't require you to shrink.

Learn from it wisely.

You weren't "too much." You were just asking the wrong person to love the real you.

You deserve the kind of love that feels like exhale not exhaustion. But first, give that love to yourself.

Feel it all. Grieve it deeply. Learn from it wisely. Because when you honour a breakup as a rite of passage, you don't just end a chapter.

You evolve into the version of you that will never again abandon herself for love.

For more on breakups, self-love, and emotional growth, here are a few powerful reads:

• 12 women on their best heartbreak advice that's not 'give it time.'

• 'I was struggling to get over my breakup, so I turned to ChatGPT for therapy.'

• The 10 break-up rules that are actually worth following.

Feature Image: Supplied.