'My husband and I do one thing before we speak to each other. I swear it saved our marriage.'

As soon as my hubby gets into bed, his head hits the pillow and he's out like a light.

Meanwhile, I'm lying there stewing — the anger building, the stories in my head getting louder because we've just had another argument where I felt unseen, unheard, and totally misunderstood.

In the first few years of our relationship, this was our norm. Twelve years together now, and I can see just how often my anxiety and my inability to communicate clearly kept us stuck in the same loops.

Watch the hosts of Mamamia Out Loud discuss relationship 'microcompatabilities'. Post continues below.

The ironic thing is, I get paid to communicate people's stories. I have built a whole career on being open and vulnerable; Breakfast Radio, Big Brother (yep!) reality TV, my book etc.

But here's the truth no one sees.

I can be an absolutely awful communicator in my own relationship.

And anxiety? It doesn't help. For me, anxiety shows up as irritability and anger, something we don't talk about enough. People think anxiety is just racing thoughts and hearts, but for many of us, it's snapping, shutting down, feeling misunderstood, and carrying around a shitstorm no one else can see.

When I first talked about my anxiety publicly on our Breakfast Radio show Heidi, Will & Woody in 2016 — long before mental health was a "trend" — it went viral.

That moment changed everything. I got help. I became an advocate and I found my voice.

But at home? I still felt misunderstood. I still expected my husband to read my mind. I still thought; "If you loved me, you'd know what I need."

And then I'd get angry when he didn't.

We tried therapy. We tried talking it out. We tried space... honestly… none of it really stuck until we created one simple thing, a little tool we now call The Headline Game.

And I swear to God… it saved our marriage.

So, what's The Headline Game?

It's stupidly simple.

When you're anxious, overwhelmed, or flooded, you give your partner a headline before you talk.

A literal headline, like you're opening a news article about what's going on for you.

A headline does two things, 

1. It tells them what you need.

2. It tells them what role they're supposed to play.

Because the truth is, most of us don't know what we need until it's too late. And our partners, they're not mind readers (even though we expect them to be)…right?

Some of my headlines look like this, 

"I'm going to tell you something, but I don't need you to fix it."

"I need five minutes alone before we talk."

"I'm overwhelmed. I love you. I just need space."

"I had the shittiest day. I'm going to word-vomit, and then I just need a hug."

That's it.

And it changed everything.

Image: Supplied.

Because my hubby is a fixer. The second I opened my mouth, he'd try to solve the problem. Meanwhile, I'm spiralling, thinking; "Why can't you just listen to me?"

Now he knows exactly what I need from him before I say a word.

And I know what I'm actually asking for instead of letting resentment take over.

The Headline Game exposed something big in me, too…

I realised I wasn't the communicator I thought I was.

So now, inside my marriage and my life, I'm learning to…

• Take a breath before responding

• Say what I actually want and need

• Write things out before I speak (ChatGPT has literally saved me here)

• Use clean, conscious communication instead of emotional essays

• Stop hiding behind vague voice notes and hoping people "get" me

It's uncomfortable, and it's daily work, but for the first time in a long time, I feel genuinely connected to the people around me, especially my husband.

So here's my message for you..

Back in my Breakfast Radio days, I learnt that divorce rates skyrocket after the holidays, and it never left me.

Because, at this time of year…

We get triggered.

We get tired.

We fall back into old patterns.

We assume our partners can read our minds and magically know what we need.

That's why The Headline Game mattered so much to us.

Image: Supplied.

It didn't "fix" our marriage. But it stopped the fights that didn't need to happen. It gave us five minutes of breathing room, and it helped us say what we were actually feeling without blowing up.

It saved us and gave us a way back to each other.

Listen to the most surprising relationship red flag on Mamamia Out Loud. Post continues below.

So, if you feel misunderstood, overwhelmed, or like you and your partner keep missing each other, try a headline.

One sentence. One tiny act of courage that might shift everything.

It changed us. Maybe it will change something for you, too.

For more from Heidi Anderson, you can follow her on Instagram, here.

Feature image: Supplied.