We can’t have it all… So what now?

By SALLY RAWSTHORNE

Ashley is twenty-six years-old and a very successful accountant, she also likes dogs, owns an apartment and is incredibly flexible, but, let’s leave that to one side for now. Ash is also single, she is beginning to resent her career success (for which she’s worked incredibly hard) because she thinks that the focus on her studies and subsequently her career means that she is destined to die alone. Because, ya know, you can’t have it all. Ummmm, what? What? Sorry, WHAT?

Then there’s Bella; twenty-three and in a very new relationship. Bella recently turned down a promotion because she wants to have kids one day! Not any time soon. She and her boyfriend of two months don’t live together and they are certainly not discussing procreation, but, she just doesn’t want to be in a role that requires excessive travel and huge hours. It’s not because she’s averse to hard work, it’s because she thinks that you can’t have it all. Even though right now there’s nothing in her way, her explanation is simple; she wants to have a family more than she wants career success, so she’ll happily let career success go by the wayside. 

My friend Jane is also of this school of thought – as a junior lawyer, she doesn’t want a boyfriend, or even a date. She’s focusing on her career, and she plans to do so for the next two years. After that, she’ll think about love, She’s not even open to the idea of meeting someone in the slightest; Jane openly admits that if she met the man of her dreams this week, she’d turn him down. In summary, the message “YOU CAN’T HAVE IT ALL” has well and truly sunk in with these women.

Among the raucous, feminist, left-leaning group of women I’m proud to call my friends, we don’t discuss having it all. We don’t talk about what it means to us, or what we can do to achieve our individual versions of “it all”, whatever that may be. We just accept that no, we can’t have it all, and act accordingly.

Watching my friends pre-emptively cut off avenues to professional or personal success, has caused me to question – is the “can’t have it all” rhetoric overdone? Does our internalisation of that message mean that we won’t succeed in living the personal and professional life we want?

The idea that you cannot possibly have everything your little heart desires in your life, is sensible and true. There simply aren’t enough hours in the day or days in the week to exceed expectations at work, sustain a supportive and loving relationship, have and develop a positive relationship with cute and well-behaved kids, clean your expensive and well-decorated house, travel, engage in creative side projects sold on Etsy, enjoy and profit from exercise, focus on meaningful friendships and breathe. Accepting this is probably a solid foundation for a happy and fulfilling life. And far be it from me to suggest that women should reject this and wildly pursue everything they could ever want, for five minutes and expect to have the world.

But does saturating women with the advice that it’s necessary to choose between various goals benefit them? If women are conditioned to believe at 23 that they can’t have it all, and that they should probably prioritise what  version of “it” they most want, what hope do their future selves have? Is it problematic that our future captains of industry won’t step up because they can’t have it all? Or is this a purely practical standpoint?

Personally, I think it’s a huge problem. I think it’s just another way of oppressing smart, ambitious women. I think that telling women they can’t have it all is force a  choice between things men are never forced to choose between. I think that far from practical, this advice is oppressive and designed to keep women in less demanding jobs, regardless of merit. And quite frankly, that sucks. Forget practical, shoving the idea that we can’t have it all down our throats our whole lives has done nothing but hamper women in their pursuit of more than one dream.

Sally Rawsthorne is a Sydney-based freelance journalist writing on a wide range of topics. She likes to surf, do yoga and be outside. Follow her musings on @sallyrawsthorne. 

Over to you – what do you think? Does constantly being told there’s no way to achieve “having it all” make you rethink certain aspects of your life? And is this a problem for young women? Or is it just sensible?