The things no one really tells you about having a baby.

“Appreciate your sleep now, because with a newborn, you never sleep.”

“No one ever tells you how little sleep you get.”

“Have you read the study about how little sleep new mums get?”

While I was pregnant, I was constantly bombarded with women telling me the one thing no one told them before they had kids. Not too surprisingly, pretty much everyone talked about the lack of sleep. Surprisingly, they didn’t know this before they gave birth – it’s all anyone would talk about in “preparing me” for the arrival of my daughter.

Almost eight weeks in the parenting gig… there is SO MUCH more that no one tells you about having a baby (and lack of sleep is the least of my worries).

Read more: Pregnant women share the worst baby names suggested by their partner.

So here is my list. If you are pregnant or planning on being pregnant… you may want to look away… it’s gruesome.

1. You will forget you gave birth.

Yes, it is possible to forget THAT memory. But in the middle of the night, you will find yourself woken up by a baby’s cry. Your first thought will be, “OMG, why don’t my neighbours calm their baby already! They are such bad parents for letting that little one cry.” It will then hit you… you’re the bad parent (and annoying neighbour) because that’s your baby.

2. Poonamis.

Definition: an explosion of poo, most likely will leak out of the nappy and cover anything it comes into contact with. Definitely will happen during the car ride home from the hospital.

3. There are worse things than a Poonami.

Like running out of wipes in the middle of a Poonami. True story.

Read more: The five benefits of having an anti-sleeper.

4. The "experts".

Oh... you will meet so many experts. You can spot them easily. They are the ones who have had eight hours of uninterrupted sleep and will advise you to "sleep while the baby is sleeping". They will tell you this while they are at your house, enjoying the cup of tea they asked you to make for them, while the baby is sleeping.

According to Baby Centre, these are the top 29 names for boys and girls next year. (Post continues after the galleries.)

5. No greater joy than a burp.

Not you. The baby. You will celebrate every time your baby burps during a feed, because burps mean less projectile vomits.

6. Pads. So annoying.

The one benefit 99% of pregnant women get is to not have their period for nine months. Or so I thought. After child birth, you get to have nine months worth of periods in six to eight never-ending weeks with the thickest pads you never knew existed.

7. Thanks hormones.

Remember when you were 11 years old and your hormones decided to kick in and make you smelly. So you would have a shower and douse yourself in the most pungent spray on deodorant. Only to be non-smelly for 15 minutes. Yes, you get to relive that experience over again.

Read more: “My birth was a shame. Apparently.”

8. That smile.

When your baby starts to be able to give you a real smile, it can mean one of two things. You are the most hilarious person in the whole world. Or. Projectile vomit coming. 50/50 chance.

9. Your life revolves around three hours.

It's like déjà vu. Every three hours. Don't worry. It soon goes to four-hourly.

10. "You smell so clean."

This is the compliment you will get from your partner because it is rare that you do not smell of a poonami, projectile vomit, body odour (see number 7) or all three.

Read more: The top baby names for 2016: The days of simple names are gone…

11. Your currency is sleep.

It's 3am. Your baby just projectile vomited on you, drenching your pajamas. You can either spend five minutes searching your cupboard in the dark for a change of pajamas. Or you can have five extra minutes of sleep. Before baby, you'd change. After... you take the five minutes and sleep in projectile vomit.

This is how all your decisions are made.

12. The zoo.

Your life will be a little more chaotic than before. You will be told this many times. No one tells you about that fact that your baby is treated like a zoo animal. Everyone will just want to come over to stare at the baby or hold the baby while posing for the perfect selfie.

After a while, you will wonder whether it's worth upsetting people by closing the zoo.

13. It's a lot of fun.

Everyone is more than happy to tell you all the horrors... but the truth is that it is a whole lot of fun too. You'll laugh when you run out of wipes mid-Poonami. You'll smile to yourself as you fall asleep covered in projectile vomit. Best of all... when your baby makes eye contact and recognises you... that's the best bit.

What was one thing no one told you about having a baby?