Where have Gwyneth Paltrow's nipples gone on the cover of GOOP magazine?

***BREAKING NIPPLE NEWS***

Guys, we have a potential nipnapping on our hands (that’s a nipple kidnapping for those of you playing along at home).

The first ever copy of GOOP magazine was recently released and there’s one very important detail missing from the front cover.

We have the Gwyneth, we have the goop, but Gwynnie’s nipples are nowhere to be seen. Her nips have gone MIA.

Have they been nipnapped? Have they gone into nipness protection? Are they now N.I.P operatives? Have her nipples joined a cult and gone off the grid?

goop magazine is here ???? Look for it on newsstands next week or pre-order by tapping the link in our bio. cc: @condenast #gooponpaper

A post shared by goop (@goop) on Sep 8, 2017 at 7:51am PDT

Like a true ‘investigative journalist’ I scoured the pages of the magazine trying to locate the nipples in question.

Unfortunately I was unsuccessful in my mission and the case of the missing nipples remains unsolved, but I did learn a lot.

Like Gwyneth prefers her juice cleanse with a side of beer and cigarettes.

“I remember standing in a hippie health-food store in Greenwich Village and I saw a little paperback book describing a ‘master cleanse,’ and I was like, What’s that?” she writes in the editor’s letter. “I remember the next day [after I finished the cleanse] I was like, Oh, wow, I just did this cleanse, and I feel so much better. I can have a beer and a cigarette now, right?”

The Queen GOOP is also a big fan of ‘earthing’ – a practice where you walk on the dirt barefoot to ‘earth yourself’ with the hope of diminishing chronic pain, fatigue and other ailments.

In the past Gwyneth has also had live bees sting her c-section scar to ‘heal it’.

“The doctor stings you [with a live bee] like it’s an acupuncture needle. I had it done on my cesarean scar… I had some buckling in the scar, and it really evened it out,” the actress writes.

But still, no nipples.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to file a Missing Nipple Report.

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