HOLLY WAINWRIGHT: 'Gwyneth's husband is a bare-faced liar.'

The backs of her knees.

Gwyneth Paltrow is such an exquisite human, even the backs of her knees are delectable. Sexy. Worthy of note.

How do I know, given we've never met?

Well, her husband told me. He also told another 1.8 million people when Gwyneth hosted an Ask Me Anything on her GOOP channels this week, and one of the questions was: What's Brad's Favourite Thing About You?

No, not that Brad. She dodged a bullet there, as it turns out.

Paltrow's husband of seven years is called Brad Falchuk and he's the co-creator of Glee and American Horror Story but who cares, he's Mr Gwyneth Paltrow, and no, that's not diminishing. 

Judging by the list he took only moments to compose, being Mr Paltrow is the best job in the world.

The skin on the back of your knees, he replied.

The arch of your foot, he wrote. That you feel so comfortable naked, he said.

The way your body moves through space.

Look, don't be jealous. My partner loves the way I move through space, too. Particularly the way I move through space from the house to the car to drive the kids away and leave him alone on a Saturday afternoon. 

Or the way I move through space from the kitchen to the front garden with a bag of rubbish in my hand. Or the way I move through space between our pub-trivia table and the bar to buy beer.

But with these very specific compliments, it appears Gwyneth's level of marital delight is as unattainable as the way her skin glows as if threaded with fairy lights.

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Outlouders, it would be fair for you to be asking if this newsletter is always going to be about Gwyneth Paltrow, since she has made an appearance in two-for-two since I started writing it. I'm so glad you asked. No, it's not. But can you blame me for invoking my favourite obsession when she is so very firmly in the news cycle right now?

Paltrow's in the zeitgeist for reasons she chose like… having beautiful knee skin. 

And for appearing in possibly the most excellent ad of the year when she jumped at being part of the viral "Coldplay Couple" story by signing on to promote their employer, Astronomer (you can see that ad, here). 

And she's also in the zeitgeist for reasons she apparently didn't choose, like the release of an un-authorised biography by the respected journalist Amy Odell, who has spoken to more than 200 people about her to compile it.

Sidebar: IMAGINE someone asking 200 people you have met over the course of your life to offer their opinion of you. The HORROR.

Personally, I'm delighted that this so-called Brad adores his wife, and isn't afraid to say so. Isn't that the dream? 

That we all have someone in our lives who thinks we're great? Someone who will sing your praises from the rooftops? Someone who wouldn't slag you off to Amy Odell if she dropped into your inbox?

LISTEN TO: Gwyneth Paltrow's Very Intimate Text Messages, No Notes. Post continues below.

For some, that person is their Mum. One of the best pieces of parenting advice I ever got was to always be visibly delighted to see your kid. And no, that's not always as easy as it sounds - when they wake you moments after you finally collapsed into an exhausted sleep. When their head pops around the door while you're on a tense work call with a stressed boss. When you're indulging in your favourite hobby (doomscrolling, perhaps) and they decide it's exactly the right moment to tell you the minutae of their latest petty friendship scuffle. But I think, in general, it's a good policy. That my kids know there will always be at least one person happy to see them, and it's me.

For Gwyneth, I'm sure her mum Blythe does her best, but that person is definitely Brad.

Back to the list:

Your love of dirty jokes…

The way you get angry in traffic…

"Find yourself someone who thinks your road-rage is cute" is a little-known saying, but probably one worth popping on the vision board.

It's always been culturally cringe for women to consider themselves loveable. The dialogue we have been encouraged to internalise and project is that we are all kind of gross and flawed and ugly, but if we work hard enough to cover all that up - from the scent of our skin and the flesh of our bodies to our righteous anger - we can trick and trap someone into loving us, at least for a while.

It's enviable, radical even, to carry the kind of confidence that suggests even the arches of your feet are worthy of adoration.

I'm only half-joking. In our digital world, women of all eras currently swim through oceans of yuck to get validation from strangers. We beg them to acknowledge our good sides, our pure intentions, our best selves.

But surely it's preferable that the people closest to us provide the validation we're looking for in Likes, Comments and fire emojis?

Your morning routine, Brad taps into his phone for Gwyneth to read in front of her social media team and us.

And that, friends, is where I draw the line. I've dissected Gwyneth's morning routine (of course I have), and it's an hours-long process that involves 10 minutes of gargling with mint-flavoured coconut oil, 20 minutes of couple meditation, 90 minutes of muscle-toning exercise, black coffee and no food.

One of his favourite things? The man is a bare-faced liar.

Featured image: Getty.

This post was originally polished on the Holly Out Loud Substack and has been republished here with permission. Check it out here.