ASK HOLLY: 'My teen spirals when things don't go her way. How do I stop it?'

Thanks to our brand partner, Bob Jane T-Marts

Dear Holly,

Like almost every parent I've ever met, I'm worried about my kid's resilience.

It seems to me that whenever anything goes a little off-script for my 15-year-old — she doesn't get chosen for a particular sports team, the weather ruins a planned outing with her friends or her brother takes the last Tim Tam — it's the end of the known universe.

I know that high emotions are part of being a teenager, but really, I worry that if a lost shoe can start a spiral, she's really going to struggle when life gets, you know, properly hard.

Any advice?

Thanks,

Perplexed Mum.

***

Dear Perplexed Mum (great name, btw),

Look, despite the fact that I host regular therapy sessions with my daughter when she's trapped in the car with me — sorry, I mean coming with me on those much-anticipated trips to Bob Jane T-Marts — I'm not a psychologist. And of course, if you are genuinely worried about your daughter's anxiety levels, you should seek out one of those.

But if you think what we're dealing with is common-variety teenage drama, then you're in the right place because I have plenty of experience with that.

Both my own and my kids'.

Our kids' worlds are small. Some smaller than others, of course, but for many, they're very used to the way things operate at home, with us smoothing the way for them and most of their time dictated by our schedules.

They are also living more than half their lives in the digital world, where they appear to have complete control — over who they talk to and interact with, and when. Able to predict the weather, to know exactly when the video they're watching will end.

They know if they want something — takeaway, new trainers or to know where their best friend is right now — they can, with a tap or two (and, um, maybe our card details).

So perhaps now, more than ever, anything that seems slightly uncontrollable, unpredictable and unexpected feels more foundation-shaking than ever.

I have advice for halting an ordinary, simple-scale spiral: get in the car.

My daughter and I have been driving around together a lot, doing the work we've done this year with Bob Jane T-Marts and it's an unusual circumstance that re-creates a very real moment. A silent sulk can turn into careful words when the music's on, and there's no-one around but you two.

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Removed from the chaos and distractions of home, with no need to look anyone in the eye. And ideally, drive that car to the beach or pool. You know what they say fixes most childhood spirals — adding water. This still works with my 14 and 12-year-olds, who will find themselves distracted enough to shake off their panicky worries when they're wet on a sunny day.

The other lesson I try to slip in as much as possible is that sometimes the most wonderful things happen when you have to go with Plan B.

The job you take because you didn't get the one you thought you wanted, but it turns out to be more challenging and rewarding than the first one ever could have been. I met my closest friend at a Plan B sleepover when both of our strict mums wouldn't let us go to a particular party.

"Why don't you two hang out together instead?" the mothers conspired. And here we are, many years later, no longer second choice to hang out.

We have to find a way to convince our kids that the detour can be just as lovely as racing straight to our destination, and nothing accelerates that process more than some unforeseen plans.

The last piece of advice I can offer you in my car-office is not to minimise.

Not making the team might not seem like such a big deal to you — you're smart enough to know there's another team, or that the likelihood of someone dropping out is high — but to your kids, on that day, it's their whole world.

So we have to find a way to walk the line between validating their feelings without climbing right into their pity party and wallowing around with them.

I suggest a discreet stopwatch and a very good poker face, for nodding purposes.

Preferably in a car, on the way to water.

Good luck halting the spiral.

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