Dear Holly,
My son is 14. In my opinion, he is nowhere near as independent as he should be. He has no initiative when it comes to getting himself ready for where he needs to be, or when. He has no real concept of his schedule — he does some sport, has homework, attends parties or family events and even struggles with his school timetable.
I've taught him to cook a few meals, but he never wants to do it. He'll barely even get his own snacks — he often just doesn't eat rather than finding his own food.
I want to guide him to be more independent, but I'm worried that if I stop "helicoptering", he'll turn into an unhygienic, malnourished disaster who gets expelled! How do I help him develop the life skills he needs without stepping all over his independence?
Thank you,
Wilting Helicopter.
***
Dear Wilting Helicopter,
Excuse me, do you live in my house? I don't have a 14-year-old son, but I have a teen and an almost-teen and one of my constant nagging worries is whether Brent and I still do too much for them.
You might have seen some of this on display in my attempts to impart "life lessons" in the Bob Jane T-Marts videos we've so enjoyed making together over the past 12 months. I'm always trying to impress upon my children the importance of independence, and yet, I get home and find myself slicing up their apples and buttering their toast.
The number of times the immortal "It's okay, I don't want it anymore" line is uttered in my house when I tell the kids to get their own water/snack/ice-cream is embarrassing.
And just like you, my helicopter friend, I wonder if it's because I have done too much for them until now.
I see YouTube videos of a five-year-old cutting up their own carrots and I think — which five-year-olds are so keen to eat carrots they'll pick up a knife? And that can quickly escalate to: How did it all go so wrong? What a terrible mother I am… and so on, until I am guiltily… cutting up a carrot again.
So, first, let's agree to stop beating ourselves up.
It might be true that while you're the one telling your son to pack his runners, he has no need to remember to do it himself, but for the past 14 years it has been your job to guide him to where he needs to be — literally and figuratively — and it's very hard to overhaul that programming.
And second, let's pick our battles.
If I've learned anything from trying to impart life lessons in the car over the past year, it's that some lessons are easier for them to hear than others. I've encouraged the courage to try things and fail, asked them to be open-minded to learning new skills (while I humiliated myself learning how to change a tyre), and encouraged them to have goals that will require effort to achieve.
But have I managed to get them to want to help with the dishes, or even put away their clean clothes in a way that might mean they can easily find them again? Not really.
Your son is doing what teenage boys are programmed to do — as little as possible that he doesn't want to.
So, advice that works? In my experience, it's this: Back away slowly.
The thing that our adolescents don't know yet is how good independence feels. And indeed, the idea of them learning that can be a bit confronting for us.
My daughter wasn't interested in making her own school lunches and snacks until the penny dropped that if she did, she could make what she wanted, and not what I thought she should have. Once I gave her the power to choose, and she chose, she began to settle into being in control. And flex.
Similarly, it feels good to her to have everything she wants for football training ready to go, exactly the way she likes it — her toiletries in a little bag, her hair ties not all scrunched up at the bottom, the non-embarrassing socks. Now she does all that herself, because she wants it the way she wants it. Fine with me.
So perhaps try encouraging your boy to see the autonomy of being active in organising his life as a gift, rather than a laborious chore. I know, it sounds like a long shot, but my son (younger still) has always responded well to the approval that comes from doing things for himself.
Start small, with things that won't get him expelled or toothless from scurvy. Work up to tasks with bigger consequences. And rest your wilting helicopter propellers — one of the gifts of a teen's increased independence is a little more space on our own plates. For learning new skills ourselves. Like… changing a tyre, perhaps?
Bob Jane T-Marts, they'll look after you. Sign up for a free SMS reminder to check your tyre pressure and tread on the first Tuesday of every month, for Tyre Check Tuesday.
Feature Image: Getty.
