Holly Wainwright: For God's sake, don't take your child out to dinner.

For God's sake, don't take your child out to dinner.

Don't take her to a restaurant.

Or drag him to a cafe.

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Don't make a barista froth some hot milk for a luke-warm, embarrassingly-named kiddie-drink.

Don't ask if there's a kids' menu after scouring the appetiser list for nuggets and chips that aren't made from sweet potato.

And for crying out loud, don't be that mum who's searching the bathrooms for a highchair.

Or a dad who's wondering where the hell you're going to change this squirming, smelly mess when the Gents is so tiny.

It's not that hard. Just don't take kids out to eat.

Because, if you do... someone might see them.

Someone might hear them.

Someone might need to move their chair ever so slightly from where they'd carefully placed it so you can squeeze past them with your pram.

Someone might feel like maybe they should bend down and pick up that crayon your child dropped near their feet.

Someone might see you hand your kid an iPhone for a few minutes while you talk to your partner and they feel the need to judge you for it. So unfair of you to put that on them.

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If you have a baby, it might cry. It just might. Babies do. And no-one else deserves to have their ears deal with a worrying change of pitch for exactly the amount of time it takes you to jiggle something in front of them/stick something in their mouths/comfort them with a cuddle. That's way too long.

Your kid might spill something. Which is different from if an adult spills something, because children are definitely doing it on purpose.

Your child might try to make eye-contact with a stranger at the next table.

They might even try to smile at them. Or wave.

No-one wants that.

No, parents. Stay home. Isn't that why you had a baby? To be home with them, all day, every day?

Stay home and invite other parents and babies to your house. Even if it's a mess. Even if you have no garden. Even if COVID.

Cook for those guests. Get them to cook for you. Adding the need to bring something freshly baked to any get-together is welcome when you're getting a toddler out of the door.

Stay home even if the walls are closing in on you and you can't look at the pile of unfolded washing for another second without screaming. Even if every unwashed dish feels like an accusation and every discarded toy feels like failure.

Just stay home and make every meal yourself. Our grandparents did.

God, modern parents are so demanding. They just want it all. Fresh air, freedom, choice, hot drinks and cold drinks.

Parents, just don't take your kids out to eat.

There's an angry social media post about entitled brats poised behind every menu item. There's a list of 'new rules for kids in cafes' on every newsfeed. There's an eye roll about mums at wine time splashed across every message board.

Come on, parents. Don't take your children out to dinner.

Just stay home and make your own damn food. Again.

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