8 things gluten-free people never want to hear again.

My gluten-free life has its perks.

I no longer have to run to the bathroom after every meal, my housemates don’t order me to stand outside post-dinner (yes, the smells I was producing were that bad) and I no longer have to keep an internal map of the city’s public toilets.

Unlike for the one in 100 Australians living with coeliac’s disease, gluten itself is not the culprit of my tummy woes (as it turns out, I have severe fructose intolerance) but, for the most part, I eat gluten-free foods as they are also low in fructans which, unfortunately, I just can’t stomach.

I am still grieving the loss of almond croissants from my life, but I can deal with it, because my health is finally under control.

What I struggle to deal with every day is the questions and niggly comments.

Here are eight things gluten-free people never want to hear again.

1. Do I want a Tim Tam/this cake/a piece of pie/some pancakes/THIS CRONUT?

Yes, OF COURSE I want to eat all of the things. I am not intolerant to flavour, I have taste buds. But what may look like a delicious floury treat for you, for me looks like a couple of days spent in too-close proximity of my toilet.

2. I don’t know how you live without pasta.

I don’t live without pasta. I still eat pasta at least once a week — thank god they can make it gluten-free, is all I’m saying.

3. Are you just doing it because it’s trendy?

There has been an explosion of gluten-free food options in recent years as more and more people give gluten the boot — and frankly, I couldn’t be happier about it.

As long as cafes and restaurants take the gluten-free label seriously (even a small amount of gluten can be seriously harmful for a coeliac), I don’t see a problem with it. It might be ‘trendy’, but as someone who needs to be on a strict diet for health reasons, it’s nice to be able to eat out regularly without worrying.

4. Are you sure it’s not all in your head?

I wish it was all in my head and for a long time I tried to convince myself that it was. That is, until I spent three months straight with the runs and had my GP convinced I must have a parasite living in my intestines.

Would you like to see a stool sample? Perhaps the result of my endoscopy? Didn’t think so.

5. Gluten-free foods taste horrible.

Gluten-free toast is one of my diet staples and to be honest, I am very glad to have something to put my avo on in the morning. Also, plenty of gluten-free foods are totally yum and I can find you the best GF bakery treats in the city, thank you very much.

6. Are you some kind of sadist or one of those Paleo people? You’re not just trying to lose weight, are you?

Ugh. Just no.

7. You know it’s all full of sugar, right?

Gluten-free foods are often criticised for being processed and high in flavour-giving sugar and salt. This might be true for some foods, but keep your diet balanced, eat plenty of veggies and whole foods and you’ll be just fine.

8. Really, are you sure you don’t want a Tim Tam/this cake/a piece of pie/some pancakes/THIS CRONUT?

Yes I am sure. Please, I am not making this up and you are making me sad.

But I get it. I used to say the exact same things. ‘How do you live??!’ I once asked a friend who had just gone gluten-free, a look of utter bewilderment on my face… and for that, I am truly sorry.

What’s your experience of going gluten-free? 

Because we get you, really get you, here are some of the best gluten-free memes: