'After a messy divorce, I'm now re-marrying my husband. Our friends think it's a mistake.'

Welcome to Mamamia's new column, Divorce Diaries, where Dr Gabrielle Morrissey answers questions around love, loss and relationship breakdowns. If you have an issue you'd like advice on, email us at submissions@mamamia.com.au — you can be anonymous of course.

Question:

I have been divorced from my ex-husband for a little over two years and separated more than three. It was a pretty ugly split at the time, with accusations of cheating on both sides, and an inability to communicate honestly or respectfully which we were both guilty of. We were immature and probably shouldn't have been married. Actually, we often shouted at each other that we wished we weren't married to each other. 

That was then. Since then, we took a massive break from one another and didn't speak for over a year. I assumed we would both move on and really never speak again — we don't have kids, and we are from different places originally. But after a year, he reached out to me, saying he missed having me in his life and could we at least be friends. We started hanging out and really enjoying each other's company. We became romantic again after a while and then he proposed to me, asking us to remarry. I said yes! We really can't imagine living without each other. We then did a course in premarital counselling (joking it was remarital counselling!) and the issues we had before aren't present this time around between us. Maybe we are older and wiser? Or we know how strong we are together.

However everyone else around us in our lives have been really unsupportive. There's no one who is supporting our decision to remarry and both friends and family members are warning us against remarrying. But it's what we truly want. How can we convince our loved ones that remarrying is right for us?

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Answer:

First of all, the question you are asking is not the most important question. Of course, you want the support of your loved ones, and the joy and excitement that you feel to be shared by them. But you two are in the relationship and they are outside of it, on the sidelines. What they see is different to what you both experience, at least some of the time. Like you, as your family and friends who care about you, they felt some of the pain, confusion and sadness when you were in conflict, turmoil and break up. The statistics around remarriage might surprise your sceptical loved ones: about 6% of people remarry their former spouses, which granted is not many, but more interestingly, and optimistically, research shows that these "rekindled romances" can be particularly successful. According to a study published in the Journal of Social Psychology, couples who reunite after gaining maturity and life experience report a 72 per cent success rate in their renewed relationships. So there is good, reassuring news, and hope!

The data on second marriages in general is enlightening: while conventional wisdom often warns against remarriage, which you are feeling from your friends and family, studies actually show that approximately 57 per cent of divorced people do remarry. That's a little more than half taking a second shot at formal, committed legal union. 

Of those who remarry after taking time for personal growth and addressing past issues (typically waiting at least three years), the success rate is notably higher than rushed reunions. Research also indicates that couples who seek counselling before remarriage have a 50% higher success rate than those who don't. Sounds to me like you have done the work needed to divorce-proof your second marriage to one another as best you can.

Here's the truth that your friends and family might not be ready to hear: You and your ex-husband are the only ones who truly know the work you've both done, the growth you've achieved, and the changes that make this reunion different from your first marriage. While their scepticism comes from a place of love and concern – and understandable, given that 67% of second marriages end in divorce when couples haven't addressed their previous issues — they weren't there for the quiet moments of reflection, the honest conversations, and the careful consideration that led to this decision.

That said, I want to gently challenge your goal of "proving" to others that this remarriage is right. The urge to convince everyone is natural, but it's a burden you don't need to carry. Instead, I encourage you to:

Focus on nurturing your relationship rather than defending it.

Let the stability and joy of your renewed connection speak for itself over time. Actions will convince people far more than words ever could. You've already discovered that your words aren't working on them, so leave it be and let time and actions speak for themselves.

Acknowledge your loved ones' concerns with grace.

Try saying something like, "We understand your hesitation, and we're grateful for your concerns and your care. We've both grown and worked hard to address the issues that separated us before."

Share selective insights into your journey when appropriate.

For instance, you might tell them about the specific changes you've both made, whether it's improved communication skills, individual therapy, or resolved past conflicts. Be careful not to invite them too deeply into your relationship though because the more information you give them, the more they have to dissect and issue opinions about. Remember, it's your intimate relationship. Your friends and family are just that.

Set gentle boundaries if needed.

It's okay to say, "We know this news is surprising, but we've made this decision thoughtfully and hope you'll support us as we move forward."

An interesting note: research shows that couples who successfully remarry their ex-spouses often report that the initial separation was crucial for their personal growth. About 62% of such couples say they gained perspective during their time apart that made their reunion stronger – which you have also expressed. The key factors in their success included individual therapy (reported by 71% of successful reunited couples), improved communication skills (85%), and having addressed the core issues that led to their initial divorce (92%). Focus on making the changes, and sustaining them, that have reconnected you.

The strength of your remarriage won't be measured by how quickly others come around, but by how well you and your husband maintain your renewed commitment to each other. Give your friends and family time – their support may grow as they witness the maturity and stability of your relationship. After all, studies show that family opposition to remarriages typically decreases by 40% within the first two years if the couple demonstrates consistent positive changes. Give that time and positivity your focus rather than efforts to convince them with assertions that haven't spoken for themselves yet.

Wishing you both joy in your reunion and the wisdom to keep building on the foundation you've worked so hard to repair. With a strong ongoing foundation of healthy communication and trust, you can one day share an unforgettable love story of resilience, restoration and remarriage!

Feature: Getty.