'I'm a Millennial who just discovered the Gen Z texting rules.'

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I am an unashamed Millennial. 

I survived dial-up. I burned mix CDs for crushes who didn't deserve them. I owned a pink Motorola RAZR flip phone that made me feel like the CEO of Hot Girl Communications. I was raised on MSN Messenger status updates, and the raw, feral chaos of a Facebook poke war. My online identity was forged in the fires of the early Instagram Valencia filters. 

And now I am being told — pretty aggressively, I might add — by Gen Z that everything about the way I exist is… lame. 

Watch: Which Millennial name will be crowned the next 'Karen'? Post continues below.

First, it was my side part. Apparently, it makes me look like I've been wandering aimlessly in a Westfield since 2012. Then they came for my ankle socks, which, excuse me, I thought were neutral, invisible, and honestly a public service in the fight against blisters. And then, the death blow: skinny jeans. My last line of defence against denim that drags through nightclub bathrooms like a filthy mop.

"Lame," they said.

Fine. Take my hair. Take my socks. Take my pants. I will, begrudgingly, adjust.

But now they're coming for my texts.

My little messages. My one last shred of control. My main form of connection to friends, colleagues, dates, and that one Uber driver who always replies "thanks Jessica" like we're lifelong pen pals.

And apparently… I'm doing it all wrong.

First, a younger coworker side-eyed the way I signed off a text with a full stop. "Why are you mad?" she asked. I wasn't mad. I was just… finishing a sentence? Then someone else told me that using "lol" at the end of every message doesn't read as funny anymore. It reads as old.

Do they not realise that we invented texting? We bled on predictive T9. We MSN-nudged our crushes until their computer froze. We wrote away messages like slam poetry and logged on and off 72 times to get attention.

We walked so they could skull-emoji run. And now? We're cancelled.

So, in the spirit of full disclosure (and in the name of serious journalistic research), here's a complete, devastating list of everything we're apparently doing wrong.

Or, as I like to call it: all the ways my texts scream "dinosaur with access to an iPhone."

A complete list of Gen Z texting rules.

LOL is over.

Millennials use "lol" as emotional punctuation. "That's funny lol". "See you soon lol". "This date sucks lol". At this point, it doesn't even mean laughing; it's just a cushion so you don't sound psychotic. 

Gen Z thinks this is… tragic. They don't use lol unless they are being ironic. They use "lmao", "crying", "screaming" or just drop a random skull emoji into the chat. 

We've all been fake laughing for decades, and they are here to reclaim sincerity.

Capital letters = aggression.

Millennials like to start texts like normal people: "Hey, how are you?" Gen Z? They prefer "hey how are u". 

If you use proper capitalisation, it looks like you've just submitted a formal complaint to HR. Caps are for yelling. Lowercase is for vibes.

Ellipses are sinister.

Millennials use "..." to mean they are trailing off, thinking, or being casual. Gen Z reads this as passive-aggressive or threatening. 

So when I text "ok…" they don't think "laid-back." They think "this person has deleted every photo we ever took together and our friendship is over."

The full stop is a declaration of war.

This one hurts. A period. A simple dot. At school, we were taught this is the polite — nay, the proper — way to finish a sentence. To Gen Z? It's cold. Abrupt. 

It's "fine". It's "k". It's "we need to talk". 

I used to think my well-punctuated texts made me sound clear, but it turns out they make me sound like a divorce lawyer. Awesome.

The laughing emoji is cancelled.

Also known as Millennials' most reliable friend, this cute-as-a-button emoji is now considered deeply uncool. Gen Z has moved on to the 'loudly crying face' or the 'skull' (because laughing is cringe, but emotional collapse is chic). 

To them, the laughing emoji is the digital equivalent of saying "that's groovy". 

Other emojis are also being put out to pasture. The Smiling Face with Sunglasses? It's giving "dad at a barbeque". The winking face? Retired. The tongue-out wink? Straight to jail. Even the regular smiling face has been associated with "serial killer energy". 

Oh, and a thumbs up? If you thought it meant "sounds good", you're wrong. Gen Z reads that as "rot in hell". Excellent. 

Formal texts are a red flag.

Millennials send post-date texts like, "Hey, I had a great time. Hope you got home safe." 

Gen Z reads this as… stiff. They want chaos. Voice notes. Memes. Reaction images. A TikTok link that says, "this reminded me of us." 

If you write a polite sentence, you sound like their dentist reminding them to floss, and suddenly I understand why that one guy won't call me back. 

We're using the wrong slang. 

Remember when "on fleek" was the height of cool? (I regret those times, too, don't worry.) Gen Z would rather die. 

They're using "iykyk", "no cap", "sus", "fr" and random keysmashes like "asjdhflks". They even add tone indicators like "/s" (sarcasm) or "/gen" (genuine) so no one misreads the vibe. 

Meanwhile, I'm over here still throwing around "YOLO" like it means something. 

We don't use enough visuals.

Millennials are happy with a text. Maybe a cheeky GIF. But Gen Z are out here sending reaction pictures, screen-recorded TikToks, three memes and a voice note. A text thread with a Gen Z is basically a multimedia presentation. 

My contribution? "Lol sounds good."

Feature image: Supplied/Canva.