Game of Thrones recap: A wedding, some nudity and one giant cliffhanger...

Spolier alert: Do not read if you haven’t watched the episode.

Welcome back sers and ladies! Let’s kick off our recap where we kicked off the last one… Arya is now INSIDE the House of Black and White. She seems to be employed as the janitor in the grimmest assisted-suicide clinic in the world. Seriously, cleaning that place would be a chore. So many nooks and crannies to dust, not to mention the annoying chore of disposing of corpses… my housekeeper would raise an eyebrow at that to say the least.

Jaqen seems to be using the classic “get the intern to do the dirty work” tactic. Being a milennial in the workplace, Arya refuses to do the grunt work, and is instead demanding a more meaningful way to spend her time. What’s Jaqen going to get her to do next? Coffee runs?

But enough punnery – we’re in King’s landing! Margaery’s third marriage is going down, and I’m sure it’ll go a lot better than the last one. But let’s face it, as long as Tommen doesn’t die, she’s already improved.

Last week’s recap: There was something pretty fundamental missing in this week’s Game of Thrones episode…

In fact, Tommen goes one better and gives her a brief yet earnest shagging. His reaction is basically the exact reaction every teenager has the second he realises the OTHER reason that thing between his legs exists: OMG THAT WAS AMAZING AND I WANT TO DO THAT AGAIN AND AGAIN FOREVER. Four times! That’s like… six minutes of lovemaking! Sure makes a better bedroom companion than Ser Pounce, hey Tom Tom?

But it wouldn’t be Game of Thrones without a dash of political manipulation along with your soft core nudity. Margaery is making no delay in using her new toyboy against Cersei. Cersei, as we know, is paranoid about this “younger, more beautiful” queen who will strike her down. Yet she looked positively inert during her scene with Margaery. Where’s the sweary, wine-glass-weilding Cersei of old? Why is she taking these “dowager queen” burns off Maragery? We all know the party isn’t over when the wealthy dowager comes in:

Theon has been absent so far this season so let’s find out what he’s up to. Oh, he’s still looking gaunt in Winterfell, this time with the added bonus of skinned, fly ridden human corpses by the wagonload. Those skinless chevups of humans are “flayed men” – the house sigil of House Bolton. GRIM AS F***. When your corporate logo is a dude you’ve skinned alive, you know you mean business. Makes the dragon of Targaryen look like Denver the Last Dinosaur.

Turns out they were the bodies of families who wouldn’t acknowledge Roose Bolton as Warden of the North. So there’s a Northern resistance afoot, as we saw in Lady Mormont’s note last week, the one that Stannis showed Jon last week, remember?

It seems like there is something afoot in the North, and now that Tywin is dead… Roose doesn’t have too many friends. Oh and he killed the last King in the North #redwedding. To try and quell this impending uprising, Roose has a tactic slightly less blatant than skinning every person who doesn’t agree with him: marrying Ramsay to Sansa.

Did the bottom of everyone’s stomach fall out when this bombshell was dropped? Ramsay is literally the only person worse than Joffrey in Westeros. No matter how terrified she is right now, she should definitely be even terrified-er. It’s like if Sam Frost escaped marriage to Blake Garvey and then found out she was now betrothed to REDFOO.

The best hope she has now is Brienne and Pod… Will we be lucky enough to see Brienne eviscerate Ramsay? Or will the EVIL EVIL EVIL writers decide to rip our collective hearts out and have Brienne get the Reek treatment? Why do I bother trying to predict anything… I LOVE THIS SHOW.

Also it looks like there might be more pain in store for Ramsay and the Boltons, because Stannis intends to march on Winterfell as well. He’s also leaving Jon with a dilemma – what to do with thousands of disobedient wildlings. And then Davos has one too – why not go save the North? Come on guys! He’s just dealt with whether to become a Stark or not… now this? At least it gives Westeros’ newest Lord Commander a chance to do what he loves best: BROOD.

So much brooding.

Arya meanwhile is struggling to get along with her college roommate at the House of Black and White, mainly because roomie seems more content to play “the game of faces”, which is NOT Guess Who, but instead, some sort of slapping game. Arya needs to forget who she is… and that means jetisonning her worldly possessions.

Did anyone get genuinely emotional when Arya considered tossing her sword? Does this mean she’ll never REALLY become a Faceless Man? More importantly – does it mean that in addition to characters and direwolves, we now have to worry about the death of much-loved SWORDS as well? GAME OF THRONES .

At least now she has access to the corpse scrubbing room! LEVEL UP!

In one of the most epic scenes of the series so far, Jon proves his mettle as Lord Commander and eliminated a particularly detestable character in Janos Slynt. Truly epic, and also one of my favourite scenes in the book. Ass-kicking at it’s most brutal.

Add that to the supercut of that night’s watch deserter, Rickard Karstark, our Neddy, Rodrik Cassel, and that horse in series 1, episode 5. So many beheadings.

All that violence yet no boobs? RECTIFIED. Back at King’s Landing, the High Septon is enjoying one of the kookier brothel scenes… but hey whatever floats your boat, right, bearded Olyvar? Just when the party is hotting up via a closeup of a pubis (classic GoT) in storms Lancel and his gang of religious fanatic Sparrows, hell bent on one of the least fun nudie runs of all time.

Cersei goes straight to the top – the High Sparrow. Of COURSE the High Sparrow is the bedraggled, shoeless guy doling out the soup – classic juxtaposition! But – TWIST – Cersei is throwing her lot in with him. What’s her scheme here? Feeling powerless now that Margaery is queen?

Speaking of Cersei’s friendhips… Qyburn. Holy shit he is making his own Frankenstein Monster. My question – is this part of Cersei’s plan? Or Is this just Qyburn’s hobby project? Ramsay has given his “word” that he will never hurt Sansa. I trust this guy about as far as I can throw Tasmania so that word doesn’t really count for much. Couple of creepazoids, IMHO.

Across the Narrow Sea and Tyrion and Varys have reached an exciting new location – Volantis! The halfway point between Pentos and Mereen. In case you missed it, Tyrion “had to get out of this wheelhouse”. Easy scene to remember the lines for really. Tyrion and Varys decide to go UNDERCOVER for a bit of Volantene touristing, with Tyrion disguised through the magic of HOOD.

Going to Volantis? Oh you simply must go to the charismatic market district! Complete with mystically perceptive red priestess, severed hands, and brothels! Complete with themed prostitutes. Look! There’s Danaerys in arseless chaps! Or it could just be Frozen porn. I’ve just realised that that link looks INCREDIBLY DODGY but it’s just a link to something here on Mamamia, I PROMISE.

It wouldn’t be GoT without a CLIFFHANGER though. Of all the brothels in all of Essos, Jorah Mormont walks into Tyrion’s… and promptly ropes him up mid-piss! “The Queen” is deliberately vague – it could mean the Queen of Dragons, or it could be the gold dragons that “Queen” Cersei has promised… but I think we can all agree that Jorah only knows one Queen.

MEREEN PARTY TIME!

FINAL THOUGHTS!

DRAMA SEEMS TO BE FOCUSING ON THREE PLACES. That is:
– Winterfell (Brienne, Pod, Sansa, The Finger, the Boltons, potentially Stannis, maybe even Jon);
– King’s Landing (the Cersei v Margaery showdown with the Sparrows and maybe a Frankenstein); and
– Mereen (with Tyrion and Jorah surprising Dany and co mid-Sons of the Harpy battle).

ARYA IS OUR WILDCARD. Hopefully she trains in the way of the Faceless Men in time to affect one of those plots.

OH AND DORNE. Jamie’s off to Dorne. There will be bloodshed there.

SIDEBAR FOR PEOPLE WHO HAVE READ THE BOOKS. Do you agree that the TV show is doing a great job of editing GRRM and fast forwarding this behemoth? Especially the Sansa/Ramsay/Brienne triangle, and the cutting of Tyrions boat ride (yay, no Penny!). It’s all just so much cleaner, and a lot less pointless wandering. Not to mention the cutting of the Quentyn red herring… although I am missing the Iron Islanders. What can I say? I just love wizard pirate vikings.

EPIC C BOMB. This week’s award for best use of the fruitiest word of all goes to Arya of House Stark. Because a verbal bitch slap is often the best way to respond to an actual bitch slap. It seems all those elocution lessons from The Hound paid off!

Feel free to weigh in with your opinions below! Avoid spoilers! And I’ll see you next week for another recap of the greatest TV show known to man, GAME OF THRONES! YAAARRRRR (that was me lunging with a sword. It was really masculine. I swear.)

Dan Debuf is Hit 104.1 2DayFM’s breakfast co-host. Catch the show 6-9am weekdays (and 4-6pm national drive on Today’s hit network.)