Monz recaps Great Australian Bake Off Episode 7: We are trapped on a dessert island.

Ah. That plucky music. Those shots of random animals. The shed. It’s BAKE OFF TIME.

This week, the theme is Desserts. Which is the polite way of saying ” F**K, last week’s bread-themed episode was so boring we need to get some sugar and chocolate happening STAT.”

So let’s make it a date.

SIGNATURE BAKE!

It’s pudding. Ohh yes. Often forgotten in a sea of mud cakes, cheesecakes, strudels and truffles, pud is ALL GOOD. So what are the judges looking for? “Sometimes the simplest is the best” says Maggie, who, let’s not forget, is a woman who in episode one asked the bakers to make a Constitution cake with quandongs, Verjuice and davidson plums.

Sian-definitely-final-two is making a persimmon pud. And she has no lipstick on this week which worries me.  Every time she wears lipstick she wins. C’mon Sian, put your bake face on.

James, star baker of last week, is doing a date and chestnut pud, and Angela the truckie/racehorse trainer (yes I’ve been google stalking) is plating up an orange pistachio and ginger pudding with a ‘Creme Anglaise,’ which is a posh way of saying custard. Don’t get fancy on us now, Ange. Last week she said Tomato Sauce was bogan, and this week she’s talking about Creme Anglaise?

With all the delicious puddings on offer, it’s seems a shame that no one has decided to lace theirs with LSD and call it The Magic Pudding.

The closest we come to a Magic Pudding is Jasmin. She is radiating happiness.

LOOK AT HER:

And I’m fairly sure it’s because she is making a spotted dick.

A whadda?

“Have you had a spotted dick before?” Matt Moran asks Mel Buttle, handing her the comedic setup of the century. And you can see Mel’s mind whirring.

On the one hand, this could be the dick joke that propels her into comedic history. On the other hand, her Nanna could be watching.

She just shakes her head. DAMMIT.

“I can’t wait to taste it” says Matt.

And I am not making any jokes about anyone eating dick. At all. This is a family show.

BUT THEN. DEAR GOD.  Jasmin says it, “My dick is looking good.”

I am not saying anything.

While everyone’s trying not to joke about dicks, James is having a terrible bake. His pud is no good. Underbaked. “This is all bad,” he says to no one, living out his own nightmare.

And that’s what they call the championship hangover, James.

It’s tense guys. The bake is over and James needs a hug from Angela and there’s Jasmin eating (dick) in the background and I’ve decided the editors of this show are having a laugh. She is the Brad Pitt in Ocean’s Eleven of this show. Every episode there is a shot of her eating something, somewhere.

Maggie tastes her dick and says it is a “mouthful of pleasure”. I am not saying anything.

Oh you may as well adopt Jasmin as your baking love child now, both of you.

Sian’s persimmon puddings are “stunning,” Suzy nails it with her sticky date creation and even Nathan’s chocolate puds gets the nod.  James’ date and chestnut puddings were undercooked, but the judges, ever nice, say the flavours were excellent.

“That was one of the worst mornings of my life,” says James – not overstating things at all.

TECHNICAL BAKE!

You know how Maggie likes to keep things simple? Yeah. She’s asked the bakers to make a pavlova.

A triple-layered, dried apricot pavlova with apricot butter, dried apricot curd, something something verjuice, something something pheasant farm something something.

Most of the curds went wheyyyyy, sliding out of the pav, and James couldn’t even get his assembled in time.

James comes last, followed by slidey-curd Nathan. Suzy, Angela “verging on perfect” and then Jasmin gets first place for, “A really beautiful-in-every-way pavlova.” #teacherspet

SHOW STOPPER!

The bakers have been asked to make their showstopper bake a tiered dessert centrepiece.  “The judges are looking for new ideas,” we’re told.

Nathan is making some sort of carnival themed centrepiece which is a new idea. It’s also strange because carnies are weird and I wouldn’t eat anything they give me.  Teacher’s pet Jasmin is making something that she’s called Fifty Shades of Lemon.  Matt and Maggie look at her like they want to adopt her.

And James, the walking drama novel says,  “At this point, all I’ve got left is hope”.

Things are going along swimmingly, Sian has her lipstick on, everything is fine as when SUDDENLY Suzy realises she accidentally soaked her trifle sponge with vinegar instead of cointreau.

Her face. Dear god her face.

And she throws the entire thing in the bin.

Oh my god.

No, Suzy. No. No.

Then she starts frantically trying to make another one. “I can do it!” she says in between tears.  “I didn’t realise there were two bottles there,” she says, still crying. And I am crying with her. She yells, “Can I have another mixmaster?!”

And the bake off tent, like some evangelical gathering, turns towards Suzy.

Instantly she is comforted by every single baker, including Maggie Beer, who could have just sat out the back plotting her next diabolical technical bake but instead squares Suzy by the shoulders and says,  “You can do it. You CAN!”

It’s one of the most lovely moments I’ve seen on TV this year. Actually, that’s understating it – it’s properly amazing.

And then, like a love convention, like Woodstock for Bakers, Nathan borrows Angela’s proving drawer. Jasmin tells James to use a star nozzle in his pie, everyone wants to make each other better. This is a LOVE FEST AND I WANT TO BE THERE.

Five hours later everyone plates up their masterpieces and dear God, Suzy manages to not only get a whole other trifle up, but she ALSO avoids crying face panda eyes and you would have NEVER known what happened.

“It could probably have a bit more sponge” says Matt. And everyone looks at the bin.

Sian makes a GORGEOUS three tiered, 15 layered wedding cake. “Pretend you’re the groom,” says Maggie, imagining their life together as man and wife, where they can finally adopt Jasmin and be her legal and baking guardians.

“Bit bland,” says Matt over the three tiered roasted coconut cake. Sian is clearly the wicked step sister with excellent lipstick and baking skills that no one seems to notice.

James’ triple tart tower looks fantastic and I can’t wait to hear what dramatic saying he will reveal next. Will he be filled with hope? Crushed inside? Will this be the best experience of his life or the worst thing that ever happened to him?  And Nathan’s Carnival of Sweets was more sad state fair than Disneyland.

Jasmin’s Fifty Shades of Lemon looks very sweet but I can’t wait to see it’s darker side. Will she blindfold the judges? Handcuff them to an oven, nude, and pass a lemon under their noses? Take them to the lemon room of pain and make them sign a contract? Who will be the dom? And who will be the sub?

No. They just taste it and love sparks come out of their eyes and that’s it.

She is awarded Star Baker (again) and we say goodbye to Nathan. Who, frankly, was nice but a bit boring. His oven torch is out. He leaves the bake off mansion. And now, there’s just five left.

“I’m just going to celebrate,” says James as the dramatic music soars above them all.

But it’s Sian who says it best, “Bloody Jasmin. Keeps on getting up there.” Word.

Who do you think should have gone home?

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