'I was the victim of future faking. It's very real and nearly destroyed me.'

If you want to support independent women's media, become a Mamamia subscriber . Get an all-access pass to everything we make, including exclusive podcasts, articles, videos and our exercise app, MOVE.

"He referred to himself as my dog's 'dad.' He'd look at photos of us as babies and say, 'I hope our daughter looks just like you,'" *Ruth told Mamamia.

"It wasn't just romance; it was a sense of total alignment. I thought I'd finally found the person who wasn't holding back."

For *Ruth, meeting *Simon at 37 felt like the universe finally exhaling. Divorced and open about her desire to start a family, she thought she had met her match.

Simon didn't just agree, he detailed their life together with the precision of an architect.

"He talked about his high salary, and I felt this immense relief, like, wow, this guy is so responsible and wants to use his hard-earned money for our family,"

"He told me the spare room would be the baby's room. I started sleeping on the side of the bed closest to where the cot would go."

But within months of leasing out her own property and moving into Simon's house, the "architect" vanished, leaving Ruth standing in the ruins of a life that hadn't even begun.

Ruth was a victim of future faking.

Watch: Our experts reveal the signs you're in a relationship with a narcissist on But Are You Happy. Post continues below.

The hook and the anchor.

"Future Faking is a strategy that narcissists use to manipulate you into thinking they are invested in a future with you, and it begins very early in the love bombing phase," explained Nova Gibson, Director and Founder of Brighter Outlook, a Narcissistic Abuse Counselling Service.

"The narcissist will paint a picture of a glorious future they believe is possible in a life with you, which appeals to their target's dreams of meeting 'the one' and settling down."

While love bombing and future faking are both manipulative tactics used to gain control, they operate on different "timelines" of your psychology.

Think of love bombing as the hook (the emotional high of the present) and future faking as the anchor (the promise of a pay-off later).

For Ruth, the anchor was heavy. "The man I met was warm, communicative, generous, and affectionate,"

"We talked openly about how we both thought finding a romantic life partner might not happen for us. It was so nice to be with someone who didn't hold back."

The "switch".

The moment Ruth moved in, the "actor" changed. The man who showered her with jewellery began complaining about the cost of Uber Eats. He told her she had to pay for her own contraception and called her "an expensive thing."

"I went from being 'his world' to feeling like I wasn't even welcome in his house," Ruth recalled.

"He went from initiating sex three times a day to once every few weeks. By the end, he would jump out of bed every morning to make me a coffee just to avoid any intimacy. The last time I asked, he just said, 'F*ck off.'"

Gibson notes that this shift is a calculated part of the cycle. "In Ruth's case, it seems the future was introduced before the relationship itself had even stabilised.

"The talk of babies came before emotional safety, trust, and consistent behaviour were established. Her desire for a family was identified early and then immediately mirrored back to her. Discussing baby names created psychological commitment long before real commitment existed."

Once the power dynamic shifted, specifically when Ruth leased her house, the incentive for Simon to "perform" disappeared.

"He no longer needed to persuade," said Gibson.

"She was totally enmeshed with him. He didn't have to try anymore, and he could now start to make her feel crazy by continually shifting the goal posts around when his promises would be fulfilled."

Weaponised hope.

The cruelty of future faking isn't just in the broken promise; it's in the enjoyment the manipulator gets from the disappointment.

"The narcissist will get the victim's hopes up by promising them something very important to them, and then deliberately fail to follow through," Gibson explained.

"Watching the victim's excitement grow as their special day gets closer means greater narcissistic supply when their dream is ripped away from them. The victim will learn not to look forward to anything... the narcissist is conditioning their victim to not ask for anything, and to be grateful for very little."

Ruth felt this withdrawal deeply. Whenever she referenced his previous promises, Simon became avoidant and irritated.

"Once we were living together and more committed, his tone shifted noticeably," Ruth shared.

"Conversations about the future were shut down or dismissed with comments like 'kids being too expensive' or questioning why we were even talking about it, and previously shared intentions for our future were minimised or denied altogether." 

"I was left feeling like I had imagined the closeness, walking on eggshells and questioning my own reality."

"It felt like a TV show where a character is suddenly played by a different actor — familiar, but unmistakably not the same."

According to Gibson, this wasn't a case of "miscommunication."

"Ruth's emotional shock came from discovering the future existed only on her side. He encouraged life-altering choices without any intention of matching them."

"Future faking is most visible when one partner sacrifices stability and the other gains control. This wasn't poor communication. It was a strategic misrepresentation where Ruth's trust was used as a tool against her."

The path to recovery.

When Ruth finally moved out, she moved into her mum's house with her life in storage. Despite the upheaval, she felt "lighter, freer and happier."

"I usually grieve relationships for a long time," she said, "but in this case, after living on eggshells, there was little to miss."

Now, Ruth is in a new relationship, moving at a different pace.

"Taking things slowly feels genuinely good. We've had conversations about future alignment, while also holding the understanding that truly knowing someone takes time, seeing them through different seasons and how they handle conflict."

For those who fear they are currently being future-faked, Gibson offered a roadmap for the "real" version of love:

"In a healthy relationship, future plans are not rushed, trust is established over time, boundaries are respected, and are backed up by consistent actions where you feel emotionally safe in the present."

"These realistic, grounded conversations occur naturally where, as a partnership, you discuss the future as something you build together."

And for those already picking up the pieces?

"Recovery starts with naming what happened without self-blame, and grieving the life they believed was always 'just around the corner'," said Gibson.

"Your grief is valid because you lost a future, as well as a relationship you thought was real. Most importantly, it involves reclaiming your dreams as your own, understanding that those dreams were never unrealistic, only placed in the hands of the wrong person."

*Names were changed to protect privacy.

You can reach out to Nova Gibson at Brighter Outlook Narcissistic Abuse Counselling Service or find her book Fake Love here. Her podcast Fake Love and Flying Monkeys is on all podcast directories, including Spotify and Apple.

Feature Image: Canva.